Testimonies

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I used to not believe in anything.. The only belief I ever had was that people hurt you.. that nobody in this world really cares about you and if they act like they do it's because they want something from you. I believed in nothing good in life, and that life was nothing but pain and misery and torment.
I dreaded waking up in the morning and when I did I wanted to just pull the covers up over my head, seclude myself into the darkness of my blankets and go back to sleep. Life to me just sucked and wasnt worth the torment of being alive. The only thing I could think of was all the people that had hurt me and the things I did to hurt others. The traumatizing events that led to me not having any sort of real childhood and the horrible things that I did that costed people's future's.. the fact that I was the cause for the pain that they had to endure daily. I just couldn't forgive myself.
To be completely honest, I never knew much about God. Didn't have much of a childhood backround of Him.. Went to church a couple times.. knew OF Him but had no idea to the extent of who God really is. I found out about God through a friend. I had nobody.. none of my family wanted me.. and none of my friends wanted me.. except one.. I had just gotten out of jail, and the friend offered me a place to stay. She was a Christian.. I treated her like crap because she was so nice, and to me the nice ones were the ones I took advantage of. I had no one else to help me.. so I basically used them to survive.. not just her.. the "nice" ones like her. Today.. I realize she helped give me the best thing anyone ever could.. and that is my first knowledge of Jesus.
She took me to this church, which to be honest I thought was a complete joke.. people talking languages that honestly just made me think they were completely nuts. Talking of this "God" thing that made them happy enough to sing so powerfully to? To dance around and legit "worship" this "God" that they couldn't see or hear or even feel? To me that was just insanity!
So I sit there.. waiting for it to get over so we could go back to her place and the Pastor puts on this song.I remember it was 11 minutes long..I wasnt even listening to it didnt really care or want to, but then I got bored and I listened to it,but only for a minute..I honestly don't remember a word of it, don't even remember the title or the artist singing it.. but I do remember I started crying. I started crying so much that I couldnt stop. I remember trying to hide it because I hate crying.. especially in front of a roomful of people I dont even know, but the Pastor saw me..came over to me and asked me.. "why are you crying" and I didn't know why.. because I hadn't even been listening to the song but for only a minute and I had no idea who God was so I didn't know what He was able to do for me. So I told the Pastor I didnt know.. and I remember him telling the people in the church that I was feeling God.
Well.. if thats what God is.. is someone that's just going to make me cry.. then I don't want it!!! So I didn't go back and I sabatoged my friendship with this girl I was staying with and ended up leaving and didnt talk to her for a while after that. Just went on living my life.. well.. trying to survive in this life. My daily goal was just to try to survive.
My life consisted of drugs,parties,sex, using anyone I could to get anything I could..(drugs,money,food,shower.. a place to lay my head for the night) my life consisted of PURE SELFISHNESS.. and the funny thing is.. I didnt care.. I played the victim.. made people feel bad for me and my situation so I could use them till they had nothing left.
My thoughts were since I was hurt so badly and didnt have a childhood that the world owed me..because i felt it was the whole worlds fault for not saving me! How could they not known? Why didn't they save me??? I cried out so many times in so many different ways that these things were happening to me when I was a kid.. and NO ONE caught on!! and I was so angry! Looking back now I sometimes get mad still because I really don't understand how people didn't realize the abuse was happening.and if they did why they didnt step in? But I have to remind myself that it's over NOW and I do have a choice NOW on how I deal with it. So I do my best to not be angry at the world.. and God.
As an adult survivor of sexual abuse my whole world can get turned upside down instantly if I don't watch myself and my actions. I lean on God more than I ever have before because in Him I find my strength. I have found so much in Him the list could go on and on.. But the most important thing I have found through His Love is HIS LOVE. It's a love that I have been searching for my whole life in people that just weren't able to give it to me the way I feel I need it. I've always been a person who craves alot of attention from the people that say they love me and care, and if they don't meet my expectations I set for them.. one time I automatically think they don't love me anymore. Which is something I am trying to be more aware of, but either way I found this love through Jesus!! No matter how often I seek Him.. He is ALWAYS there with open arms!! I have heard He never gets tired of hearing from me. Which is cool because I LOVE talking to Him ALL DAY LONG :)
As I grew up I had many people who tried to help me get through the abuse issues. I pushed them away though because with them helping me meant I had to deal with it. 9 years of being abused in every way possible by my FATHER is just not something I wanted to deal with. With dealing with it came the memories. and the flashbacks and the dreams,and everything else that comes with it! It was just something I did NOT want to deal with and ran away from every time someone got close with me.
To make a long story short I have been admitted to many hospitals for psychiatric care, countless rehabs and halfway houses, and I couldn't even begin to tell you how many counselors I have been to since this all came out. It's been 13 years and every time someone starts getting to deep with me I run away and sabotage my life and everyone who is in it. Including my children. I have just recently started the process, once again to put my past where it belongs.. IN THE PAST! Don't get me wrong.. I'm scared, but this time I know it's different because I have been letting Jesus help me now.
I never believed in God.. so when people told me He would help me through this, I was like come on.. get real.. the only person that can help me is me and no one else, but now that I know He really is there and as alive as He ever was, I am comforted by it. Everything He has done for me already helps me to know He is not going to just leave me in the middle of this. which is what I was afraid of.
I don't know how many times I have questioned if God is real..EVEN AS A CHRISTIAN!! I wish I could tell you I saw Him walking around town earlier to prove His existence. But I can't..I can say that I was NOT the type to be going to church as much as possible.. let alone being involved in it and then trying to bring people to know His Truth. I never saw myself turning into a Christian.. I am able to say that I have tried for years to change and havent been able to. I have been to countless doctors that have diagnosed me with mental disorders and said I would be on medicine the rest of my life.I have suffered many consequenses for the things I have done and I have destroyed alot of people's hearts and futures. By the Grace of God I was saved! I am no longer on medicine and I am finally happy and i'm no longer hurting people. I want to help people because my heart breaks for them.. the one's who are broken and don't really know what God is capapble of doing!! I know this is a really hard concept to grasp for some and I don't mean that as an insult, but in my journey of trying to help people to know Jesus, I have ran into alot of I just don't get how one man can create all the universe and alot of other things, alot of people want scientific proof.. but I cannot give them that..but I try to assure them and prove to them by my living testimony that HE IS REAL.. and He want's to help them just as much as He has helped me!! I have found so much through Jesus Christ.. HAPPINESS JOY COMFORT STRENGTH WISDOM SANITY AND MOST OF ALL FOR ME PEACE OF MIND.. and all I had to do was seek His face, let down my wall and trust a little bit,ask Him to give me Peace and happiness and He did!! Not instantly.. at the times I wished it would've been.. but I am glad now because He helped teach me through each experience how to be a stronger person.

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