Humor

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A Trip to Wal-Mart


What a beautiful Saturday morning it is. Blue sky and only a few white puffy clouds. No sign of rain just like the weatherman said. Today is going to be a good day and tonight even better. The kids are going to Grandma’s for the night. That means only one thing. You and her and no possibility of the kids walking in. Ya, it’s gonna be a great day.

You jump in your car and away you go. Plan of attack all set in your head. You run through the details on your way down to the local Wal-Mart. Pull in the lot and look for lace to park. Doesn’t matter how far away. You have the energy of a 12 year old. You park, jump out and grab a cart. Not going to take a chance there may not be one inside and that would mean you would have to double back. No good. That would just waste time.

Across the lot you go. Forget that this one’s got two wheels with flat spots and pulls to the right a bit. You are on a mission. Through the front door. A quick wave at the people greeter, a swerve to the right to just miss the lady standing right in the middle trying to find something in her purse and your clear. No need to think about this. You know right were you are going. Down past the registers. You look ahead and see a blockage. Quick left down past the Rubbermaid stuff. Oh no, dead end aisle. No problem, this is ‘your” store. Right at the end then back out to main aisle, hang a left and right back on track. You’re good to go.

You see the hanging sign. Your destination is approaching fast. Whoa, a kid pops out of the toy aisle. That was close. Almost got him. You look back as you buzz by just to double check. Ya, he’s okay. Back on track. You made it. Your there. Now time to get busy. You zip a right down the aisle then slide to a stop. Okay, were is it? There it is. Armor All. You grab the one for the tires first. Then for the dash and seats. Okay, four steps down and next on list. A bottle of that gentle car wash stuff that works so great and gets all the bugs off. And last but not least, Turtle Wax. Not that spray on stuff this time, your going to do it the old fashioned way. This is a special day and you want the night to be even better.

You turn and go. Swing by and grab a new bottle of Steak Free Windex, Papers towels and your on your way to the front. You look as you pass electronics but no time today to stop. On a mission. Hard left and your down the main aisle towards the front. A quick double check on the count. One, two three, four, five, six. Plans coming together. Ten items or fewer lanes in sight.

That one looks good, you say to yourself, only one person in line. That’s the one. You get in line behind her. Please don’t call for a price check you think. You’re right on schedule now. Cashier says to the lady, “That will be $21.64 please.” You watch as the lady pulls out her wallet form a purse that looks more like a suitcase. She hands the cashier a Twenty. Then a One. You can see more ones there. “Just give her one lady.” She then does just what you didn’t wan tot happen. She utters those words we all dread to hear. “I think I have the change.” Your heart skips a beat. She has another one that you can see. Just give it to her and lets get outta here. Nope, that ain’t gonna happen. She sets her wallet on the scanner and proceeds to dig in her Samsonite suitcase she calls a purse.

You look around to see your options. Nothing looks better. Plus, you stand the chance that this could happen if you change lanes. Your stuck. She digs and slowly. Your thinking, “Come on lady, there is no exact change award you get for giving exact change.” Finally she gets it right. You look at your watch, your still okay. Swipe your card like the lady in front of you should have done and you’re outta there.

You pull up in front of the house and park in the street. Want the driveway for her car. You pull the hose out, fill the bucket till it’s foaming just over the top. You wash her car like your washing a baby. Ever so gently as not to miss a spot. A good rinse and then dried with the Shammy. You take a step back and admire your work. YES! Well done. But on to the next item on the list. You grab the Windex and go to work on the windows. Making sure there are no streaks anywhere. Next, the inside. You pull out the shop vac and get every little nook and cranny. Armor All the dash and seats and the inside is done.

Tire shine is next. Those tires are going to look like new. And last, the final item on your list. Wax her car. You get started. Start at the front and work your way to the back. Making sure you don’t missing a spot. You feel like the Karate Kid. Just as you finish Grandma pulls up. You smile and think plans going great. That was the last thing that could have gone awry. She goes in and you clean up your scattered tools. A few minutes later she exits the house with children in tow.

As she pulls away you think to yourself. “I have out done myself this time.” Looking at the shinny work of art before you. There’s now way, you think, tonight can’t be anything but magical.

Now, Gentlemen, if this is your idea of romance ask her what she thinks.

Ladies, if this is your man’s idea of romance show him this and tell him it’s not.

And to all those who don’t have to show this to someone or ask someone, good for you. You are lucky people and you will have that magical night even if he washes your car.

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