Gospel

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Do you
want
to be
healed?
[John 5:6]
*****************
"This isn't a very
nice story,
Lord*."

[PATIENT VOICE.]
"Which story,
My precious."

(Impatient voice.)
"THIS one!
The ONE ABOUT THE
GUY ON THE FIVE
PORCHES!"

[TENDER VOICE.]
"Read It
to Me,
beloved."

(Look up at the ceiling.)
"It's in ENGLISH,
though."

[BURST OUT LAUGHING.]

"You only speak
HEBREW."
(Glance up.)
"And, the OTHER
Lord only speaks
GREEK."

[CHUCKLING.]

"I'm so confused;
HOW MANY LORDS
ARE UP THERE,
ANYWAY?"

"Only
One,
My child."

(Clueless squint.)
"Yeah, but the
CHRISTIANS SAY
there's TWO THRONES,
up THERE. I'm so
CONFUSED!"

[GLANCE TO HIS
RIGHT.]
[SMILING.]
"Read Me
the story,
child."

(Impatient voice.)
"Can't You just
watch the MOVIE**?
It would be a lot FASTER."
(Look up.)
"It's pretty good...
although everybody
in it has a British
ACCENT. When are
they are gonna make
a movie about JESUS,
with real JEWS in it?"

[PATIENT SIGH.]
[CHUCKLING FROM
THE THRONE,
TO THE RIGHT.]

(Whiny, nasal voice***.)
"Don't You REMEMBER
the STORY?"
(Squint up at the ceiling.)
"It's the ONE about
that poor GUY....that
was sick for 38 YEARS?"

[PATIENT NOD.]
"Yes,
My beloved."

"It just isn't a nice
STORY. Everybody
is YELLING at him!
I kind'a felt SORRY,
for him!"

[PATIENT VOICE.]
"Who is yelling
at him,
child?"

"Well......first,
JESUS.
And......then,
the PHARISEES.
And then
JESUS,
again!
I felt kind'a SORRY
for the poor GUY!"

[SHAKING HEAD.]
[SIGHING.]
[GRUFFLY BECKON
AN ANGEL INTO THE
ROOM. THE ANGEL
IS PLUMP, AND
HAS A WHINY VOICE, TOO.
ON THE PLUMP
ANGEL'S SHOULDER
IS A NOISY, SQUAWKING
RED-WINGED BLACK BIRD.
THE ANGEL TRIPS OVER HIS
OWN BARE FEET, AND
ASKS THE LORD WHAT
HE SHOULD DO WITH
ALL THE BLACK BIRDS
THAT HAVE JUST
ARRIVED FROM ARKANSAS.
THE LORD SIGHS
AND TELLS
THE ANGEL....WHO IS
TRYING TO GET UP
FROM HIS KNEELING
POSITION IN FRONT
OF THE TWO THRONES
AND ONLY TRIPS AGAIN
OVER HIS TWO BARE FEET...
TO TAKE ALL THE
BIRDS OVER TO
THE PASTURE
BY THE NORTH 40.]

(Whiny voice, coming
from His earthly child.)
"I don't understand
why JESUS told the
guy to stop SINNING?
I mean, the poor guy
was PARALYZED for
38 YEARS, and just
sittin' on that PORCH!
What could he have
possibly been DOING?"

[NODDING TO
THE PLUMP, WHINY
ANGEL WHO IS TRYING
TO WALK BACKWARD
OUT OF THE THRONE ROOM:
CARRYING THE REALLY
NOISY, SQUAWKING
BIG BLACK BIRD. THE
ANGEL KNOCKS OVER
A GOLDEN LAMPSTAND
THAT IS BESIDE THE
THRONE ROOM DOOR.]
[SIGH.]
"Read It
again,
Mein kin'der."

(Pop open a can of
Walmart grape soda.)
"LORD?
Did JOHN THE BAPTIST
really have
a BRITISH ACCENT?"

[PATIENT SIGH.]
"Oy vey z'mir."
********************
"See,
you are
well.
Sin
no more,
that nothing
worse
befall you.
[John 5:14]

__________________
*The Hebrew God:
on top'a Mount Sinai.
**'The Gospel of
John' (2003).
***A real Jewish
accent.

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