Other

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I feel quite trapped.
Every action seems to lead me to eight results none of which are good or positive.
Medication does not help.
Courts and attorneys and childish people want nothing but money until there is nothing left.
Almost destitute now and trapped in sinful marriage.
Trying to ask for help and pray to God for deliverance.
Thus far, none seems to be available.
Too gullible, too foolish.
Nothing I say or do amounts to much.
Can't cope and never could.
All I can do is try to be patient.
All I can do is try to make the best decision possible to remove myself from one bad situation after another.
Is hope after all this time an illusion?
People say no one is beyond redemption.
Who are they and if they only knew what I keep going through.
It never ends.
I think of lyrics now.
"Carry on my wayward son. There'll be peace when you are done. Lay your weary head to rest. Don't you cry no more."
I have bad thoughts these days of how I would lay my head to rest.
I think of going to a field in the winter and just laying down.
There are no prospects for me.
No jobs seem forthcoming.
No money.
Now, no possessions.
No little boy that I fought so hard over for custody.
Whoever heard of 50-50 Sole Permanent Custody anyway???
It's like the attorneys knew that I was to not be in the boy's life for long.
It's like God knew that I was to be a temporary fixture.
Or was it all my mind playing tricks on me?
I simply see no coincidence these days.
I am almost completely broken.
I don't wish to die or live alone.
Either option is hell to me.
Made to feel inadequate and unnecessary at work, then at home, then finally WHAM!
Being forgotten is not fun at all.
Being forgotten is a prison in and of itself.
Where is my relief or will I ever get some?
Too many people with differing views and suggestions and not knowing who to believe any longer.
Trying to take one step at a time and put my best foot forward.
Seems that I may not have a best foot to put forward at all.
Hoping against hope for better days as that is also what people tell me..."It gets better."
How do they know when they haven't been there?
One person tells me that you don't have to hit rock bottom in order to be broken.
That is not true. A person does need to hit bottom in order to know what the bottom is like.
Else, don't burden me with such advice.
Life goes on and we are no longer needed.
I sometimes wonder about that.
I have to be needed by somebody other than myself or I get worse.
I should have been there totally for the boy, but became scared of the situation that I was in.
I knew I was ultimately in a tenuous place at best.
I became argumentative and petulant as that was the way that I was made to feel "like a child again".
Sure enough! A grown man back with the parents and facing issues that he is trying to keep at bay.
The end to this brief story does not seem good.
No, not good at all.

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