Christian Living

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For a long time now I have given up the idea that I will somehow be able to be a Christian. I can't "do Christianity". I can't tell you how many times I've thrown up my hands in defeat while reading I'm more than a conqueror; and I think that's OK.

After all, if we could be like Christ we would have done it a long time ago right? Don't quote me on this being spiritual truth by any means, but I keep running into the wall of non ability. I don't think I could practice enough, or set up some elaborate psychological/behavioral system of change that could make me more like Christ. I can't read a certain amount of Scripture or Christian literature and be remotely transformed. I can't set up a system where I'm going to do every spiritual discipline during the week. I've tried it, and I never make it past day two or so.

Oh and then I sarcastically love reading about those in scripture that had one encounter with Jesus and their entire life was changed. If Jesus came to my work and asked me to drop everything and follow, I'd look at him a little funny. I'd be an idiot, but I would look at him with an "are you kidding?"

So what's wrong? I seem to want to follow Christ, but obviously I'm missing a chunk of something vital. Anyone with me on this?

I started reading new devotional book yesterday, and wouldn't you know it... the first SECTION of the book happens to be on surrendering your life to Christ. I didn't know this until I got it home. Anyway, you know what the heroes of the faith say to start with? The heart.

Oh my goodness I did not want to hear that. Yes, I want the salvation, the eternal life with Christ, the streets of gold, seeing loved ones, the Holy Spirit, yes!!! Sign me up! But then there's the death to self I have recently mentioned, persecution, battling the flesh, saying no to yourself and yes to God, etc. My heart doesn't want to go there. I know instinctively that I am held accountable. When I talk to God, I don't really want to know what He thinks all the time. I'm all for the blessings, not so for the learning and the trials and such.

So how does a person like myself get past the division of the heart? Shucks, don't look at me. Obviously, I don't have it all figured out yet. Maybe some of you in blogland do.

I've been hearing a lot in the last 24 hrs about idols.

(Hint for readers: if you hear a theme in your life, or what people say, or what you're reading, or all of the above, etc., God may be trying to tell you something.)

Maybe my heart is divided because it hasn't chosen a master yet. I feel like the "rich young ruler" who was asked to give up his wealth. He walked away from Jesus sad and disappointed. I think I know what that might have felt like.

Is your heart divided?

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