Grief

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Something Long Ago I Remembered….
(Thanksgiving morning…2009)

Why is it that when people are really good to you…
…think they are sacrificing for you…
It then gives them the right to tell you…
What they think of you….

What I remembered is this…
In the aftermath…
…which lasted a very long time
And was tedious for those who
Tolerated me anyway in daily life,
And was draining for those who
Liked me every day, but didn’t really know me…
And was terrifying
And maddening
for those who
loved me and were afraid of losing me too…

And what happened was this…
There was one woman…
Who was a “kind of” friend…
Who seemed to want to do her part
to
Alleviate
My pain
At the situation
(And
Her pain…)
At the situation…
And she did many lovely things..
She…
Came and stayed all night
So I could sleep
Since my child’s baby
Was so little
And didn’t sleep well at night…
She helped me with the nursery
Getting it ready for Julia Belle’s arrival…
…From the horrible hospital…
And she brought baby gifts for Julia Belle
And she tried to be a very good “kind of” friend…
Who I had not been close too…but knew…”kind of”
And one day…
Not 12
Weeks
After my child left my arms to fly to heaven…
This same “kind-of” friend…
Well…
I stopped by her place one day
To thank her
And in that short time,
I began to cry again
And share
That I was not doing well
And that
I didn’t know if I would ever be ok...
I probably despaired at wanting to live…
Because…
While the baby was beautiful
And wonderful…
She was not my baby…
But my baby’s baby…
And I still could not
(and sometimes still can not)
wrap my brain around this
puzzle…
And she walked me to my car…
And she
Became
Very angry…
And she stood towering over me…
(she was very tall and imposing…and
I was not…imposing at this time of my life..)
And she looked down at me over her wire-rim glasses…
Her voice was harsh
loud
and staccato…
And said to me…
That I needed to be on witch doctor potions so that I didn’t
“feel so badly” anymore….She said it was wrong of me to
let grief steal me away…
(Her voice was like a rushing, dark, ocean wave
that would soon drag me under and dash my heart against
sharp rocks…til the ocean spit me back on land…)

Well…
What she really said was…
“You need to be on anti-depressants!”
(I wish there was another word for anti-depressants,
because, it is not a very poetic word, is it?)

She continued…
“I have been on them a long time
and I can’t live without them!”

I stopped. Keys in hand.
I didn’t enter my car.
I felt that ocean wave start to move out from behind my eyes
And voice and it grew and grew in me
This ocean wave was bigger at that moment
Than my grief.

I thought…
if…
My beautiful girl’s life
Was only worth 12 weeks of sorrow…
Then there was something wrong with that equation.

Remember
I am still standing in front of her
By my car…
Keys in hand..
And I am standing there
Thinking
All kinds of things…

Most were harsh…
And did not include
Thankfulness for the things she had done
For me.

I looked at her angry face with my sorrowful face.
I saw anger in her eyes that I had not been moved to
“total healing”
by her grace
to me in those last few months.

I saw how her “witch doctor potions”…
Prozaczolofteffexor
Did not make her a
peaceful
patient
person…
And I knew then…
I would not be buying
Any of her “potions”
For my pain.

Do you think I told her so?
I will let you guess…

Five and half years have passed since that day in her driveway.

I only just remembered…
Today…
Thanksgiving 2009.

If I could see her now…
I know what she would say…
She would say
That I look good.
Look like myself again.

And I would say to her…
Thank you for bearing with me
During that time.
I would tell her
That I remember her kindnesses to me in those early days…
And I would not mention
What I remembered that day
In the drive-way
Of her home
When she lost
Her mind
Over my grief.

Today is Thanksgiving.

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