Big Girl Panties
Do you ever have those why me kind of days?
Why is it that I want a baby so badly but God has not made my husband want one just as badly? I mean, I held a baby today and my heart literally ached as he laid his sweet little head on my shoulder. I have been patient. Or at least I have tried to be patient...for more than a year. And my husband doesn't think a year is a long time to wait for something. I want to say to him, “What if I made you wait a whole year to even attempt to do something that you KNOW you were created to do?
Why is it that some people get to live their whole lives near the people they love the most? I mean, God doesn't always call people to move across the country to a place that doesn't even resemble home. Was it really necessary that I be one of those that he called away? My sister is getting married. And I'm missing everything. And she deserves to have her sister at all her showers. And at her bridal shoot to do her make-up. And just plain there to go with her to find a dress for the rehearsal dinner. Or take care of the flowers because she so desperately doesn't want to have to deal with it. And my Mama should have me there to help her prepare for a house full of guests. And I should be able to get to my best friend's house and take care of her little boy, or take care of her, or both of them for a weekend because being a first time mom is hard. And someday, when my husband finally gives in or [preferably] gets excited about having a baby - they should all be able to be there...without having to spend their life savings just to get to me.
Why is it that, 3 years out of college, I still have to work outside the home doing something that is by no means a miserable job but at the same time doesn't excite me? I mean, I'm trying really hard to find a way to contribute to the income AND stay at home so that I can keep a clean house and cook and just be available to my husband. Still, so far nothing.
Why is it that in less than a year we are back to square one? Not a clue where we'll go or what we'll do? No home. No furniture. No plan. I thrive on plans...one of my coolest traits.
All of that being said...as a follower of Christ, I have been called to higher living. To greater sacrifice.
But you are a CHOSEN RACE, a royal PRIESTHOOD, A HOLY NATION, A PEOPLE FOR GOD'S OWN POSSESSION...why?...that you may proclaim the excellencies of Him who has called you out of darkness in His marvelous light; for you once were NOT A PEOPLE, but now you are THE PEOPLE OF GOD; you had NOT RECEIVED MERCY, but now you have RECEIVED MERCY.
For this find favor, if for the sake of conscience toward God a man bears up under sorrows when suffering unjustly. For what credit is there if, when you sin and are harshly treated, you endure it with patience? But when you do what is right and suffer for it you patiently endure it, this finds favor with God.
1 Peter 2. Read it.
Bottom line. I am definitely a recipient of God's infinite mercy. I am chosen and holy. Why? The why is where it gets a little bit harder, because it's not about me. Why? So that I can proclaim the excellencies of my Jesus. My God. And you know what? When I am suffering because of my obedience to my Father [no matter how small that suffering may seem to others who have, no doubt, endured much more difficult trials than I] AND PATIENTLY enduring that [ick!], I find favor with God.
And do you know what else? Today, when my Jesus saw me lying on my bed, crying because sometimes it all just hurts that much, He was/is sitting at the right hand of God praying for me. [Romans 8:34, Hebrews 7:25] I believe that He loves me that much. And I also believe that He fully expects me to live a called out kind of life, even [and maybe even especially] when it hurts to do so.
So it’s time to wrap up my whining and put on my big girl panties. Because no big girl panties equals no favor with God. And I seriously want to find all kinds of favor with the Beginning and the End.
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Well written and well said. You made you feelings known very clearly. Some men just take longer than others to want to be a father. Some are afraid of different things about children and parenting. Try asking the Lord to change his mind. He won't over rule his will, but he will do what HE can if you ask in faith and don't get discouraged. God bless you, and I believe you will be a "mom" one day. The Lord will give you the desires of your heart if you will delight yourself in him. Psalms 37:4.