'SEX' sells...even in this online ministry!
by Michael Tummillo
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I knew before I hit "SEND" that, simply because the word "sex" appeared in the
headline of a recent message, it would catch the eye of many.
I was right.
Though the numbers reading that particular article are climbing and the responses
have all been positive (I DID have two unsubscribe but they didn't say why), the
best article I've received was worth broadcasting for all the world to see. The sister
who wrote it has given me her permission. Read it and be blessed:
Well, you sure know how to get my attention...!
My favorite topic to bring up to the Church!
Great article, and I'm in full agreement with you about the soul-ties... I've seen
countless marriages suffering, due to having bits and pieces of themselves
caught up with others -- therefore unable to connect with their spouse.
Other problematic things I see:
- Engaged Christian couples who think they're "close enough" to the
wedding to give in... often with the female being the seducer. She'll be a
tigress before the wedding, and then, oddly enough, she becomes frigid
after they're married... and the new husband can't figure out what happened!
It seems this is one of the enemy's favorite ploys -- even if the woman is
aggressive in pursuit of premarital sex with her boyfriend/fiance, she
wants, and needs, her beloved to stand strong... to resist her, to save her,
even from herself. Then, when he gives in, she loses respect for him, and
he's no longer her strong warrior/champion. After the wedding, he starts
to look weak to her, and it's hard to desire him then.
- If a couple gave in to premarital sex, even if they then get married, they
still have to break the soul-tie that they formed before the wedding... that
soul tie is formed on the enemy's "turf", and it seems to give him the legal
right to wreck havoc after the wedding. Plus, then either of them (but
most often the woman), will come to see sexual desire equated with sin...
and start to believe the lie that "good Christian women don't like sex", and
"it's only for procreation" & "God puts up with it to get more babies, but
He wishes there were another, less animalistic, way." Of course, this all
hearkens back to Augustine (who had his own licentious past), who
equated sexual desire with lust, and therefore sin, and declared that if a
married couple were enjoying sex "too much" they were sinning...!
- Women who commit the sin of sexual refusal, but who justify it, due to
their husband's pornography, or fatigue, or lack of desire (hormones
associated with childbirth/nursing), or because they believe the lie that
God considers marital sex to be "doing the nasty" and has to turn His head.
These women often berate their husbands -- accusing them of being perverts,
or sexual deviants, all because they desire frequent sex with their wives.
- Men who turn to pornography, either because it pops up and they get
hooked, or due to the aforementioned sexually-refusing wife. Problem is,
the men who get addicted to porn then have a hard time being intimate with
their very real wife, while comparing her to the airbrushed, cosmetically
altered, professionally-paid, often under-aged actresses that he becomes
accustomed to. And, if he then turns to masturbation (which is really a
foregone conclusion), he ends up shortchanging his wife. Or, he develops
a twisted view of sex, and tries to get his wife to act out the images he's seen.
- Christians in general who do NOT understand about God's gift of sex... that
God really is pro-sex (I mean it was His idea!), really wants us to enjoy sex,
and that it's SUCH a wonderful and powerful gift that it has to have the
highest of boundaries around it: i.e., marriage. They do not understand,
because they are not taught, because pastors/leaders/congregants do not
talk about it, that God considers sex to be holy, sacred, and outrageously fun...!
All we have to do is to honestly look at our anatomy, notice where He put the
highest concentrations of feel-good receptors, and realize that He really
intended for us to have a wonderful time together -- emotionally, spiritually
and physically. And, just as in Communion, He is THERE, with us, in that
most holy of moments when male and female again become one flesh, beautifully
exemplifying God Himself, in a way we cannot do alone.
I honestly and truly believe that if we believers, who ought to be making the
world jealous over our fabulous sex lives in marriage, stopped making sex the
huge taboo subject, and began talking honestly, openly, realistically, about
what God has done (we are fearfully and awesomely made!), and how He
intends for sex to be a magnificent blessing to us, we wouldn't have half the
troubles we have with sex-gone-bad...!
If we truly tasted of sex as it's intended to be, none of us would even desire
sex as the enemy pathetically counterfeits!
Why are we teaching our young people "purity-purity-purity" without telling
them WHY God wants them to be sexually pure 'til marriage?!? It's not because
He's a prudish kill-joy! It's because of how lavishly wonderful, exciting, mind-
blowing and FUN He wants sex to be when two people wait for each other,
and then begin the life-long journey of learning how to "dance" together, to
the exclusion of the rest of the world!
I cannot tell you how many young women I've heard lament the "loss of their
purity" on their wedding eve..! As IF having sex with their husband the next
day is going to make them impure!
I cannot tell you how many post-menopausal couples I've heard talk about how
sex is a "done deal" for them, since they're no longer able to procreate...! As if
that's God's primary function for sex! Read Song of Solomon -- a book that God
ensured was right there in the Bible for all to read -- a book devoted solely to
the lavish beauty of sex -- and not a single mention of babies, pregnancy,
reproduction whatsoever! (Yes, yes, of course it's also an allegory for God/Israel
and Jesus/Bride -- but EVERY marriage is such an allegory, and sex is an earthly
example of how God wants us to utterly and completely surrender ourselves to
HIM, and enjoy the climax of relationship with Him).
And, I cannot tell you how many Christian leaders, including in the house church,
have wounded marriages, largely in the area of sex. Hearts are broken, couples
have walls between them -- and yet the "show must go on" and so they press on,
into ministry, while their marital foundation is crumbling... WHAT are we exporting?
Sex is so beautiful, and so powerful, that the enemy has launched an all-out war
against it from the beginning of time. He knows he can destroy us, and our
marriages (thus the family, thus the fabric of society) by lying to us ... by painting
God to be a tyrant who hates sex, by telling us that He's anti-pleasure, by telling us
that only "forbidden" sex is exciting (& that marital sex is boring and dry), by
pushing us into sex while we're single, and then keeping us from the power of sex
within marriage... he's twisted it and used it as a weapon against us.
We believers need to rise up and re-claim the gift of sex, as God intended it to be,
and to teach His perspective to all who follow Him. We need to be enjoying beautiful,
frequent, bonding sex with our spouses - throughout marriage.
I strongly endorse Paul and Lori Byerly's ministry, The Marriage Bed ... for over 10
years, they've been promoting the above, reaching out to those who are hurting, and
providing biblically-based, scientifically-sound information about God's gift of sex.
If you haven't checked it out for yourself, do so. Read the articles on the main page,
and then delve into the discussion forum. The fellowship there is awesome
(incidentally, it's where I met Paul and Lori, and where we got to know each other
for two years, before we all met face to face, and they then moved here).
As I'm sure you noticed, I'm rather passionate about this issue...
There's a reason...
For the first 17 years of my marriage, I was that frigid, sexually-refusing (sinning)
wife... due to being bulimic, and having been promiscuous prior to marriage. I
put my husband through hell on earth with my repeated rejection for all those years
(how we managed to have the first 7 children is rather miraculous...!). He healed
me of bulimia (through Theophostic Prayer Ministry in 2000). Then, we prayed
through the breaking of those soul-ties, we repented, & I prayed and prayed for
God to give me new eyes and a new heart for my husband. God showed me the lies
I believed about sex, and He replaced them with His truth... (all of which took 7 years).
Three years ago (May of '04), God did an amazing thing, filling me with desire for
my husband -- it BLEW me away! I mean, I'd never heard of a "healed libido" before!
But, by gum, I had one! And I knew He'd done it. That's when I found The Marriage
Bed... and my posts there led to us being kicked out of our former church where Mark
was ordained (a rather long and sordid saga...for which we are grateful!), which led to
us moving to Oregon, which led to us discovering simple church, which led to the
owners of The Marriage Bed becoming our best friends and moving here! Oh yeah,
and we had our 8th "surprise-welcome-to-your-mid-40s baby, Benji a year ago...!
God is SO good!
So, yeah, I've become somewhat a blathering champion about God's view of sex in
marriage. I've shocked strangers, embarrassed friends, and will likely have to get my
children some therapy (nah, they know what our marriage used to be like, and they
think it's rather cool... they can't wait to get engaged one day, and join The Marriage
Bed for themselves!).
I've gone on enough... methinks you got my gist.
Blessings on you, Michael! Preach it, brother!
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Yeah, it works every time. You know,sex is the least talked about and wrote about topic. Christians would rather pull their wool over their eyes than be real about this. i honestly don't know why. :-) anyway, you were nice here. Putting your words in a shirt and tie. ok.
Yeah, it works every time. You know,sex is the least talked about and wrote about topic. Christians would rather pull wool over their eyes than be real about this. i honestly don't know why. :-) anyway, you were nice here. Putting your words in a shirt and tie. ok.