I refuse to believe life is this depressing, even though its eating me alive. I'm sure even the last star has a small bit of joy left in him as the morning sun comes to own the sky once more. Even being the last shining star, I'm sure he shines his best and puts a smile on his face. I feel so stuck in this pit right now and it's affecting everything around me. I try to be me, but I feel so lost in that old outfit. Most mornings bring about a new trend, and I sit and think for awhile about the rewards of putting on this or that, but inside I wonder if this really matters? I have lost control of everything, and everything now has the keys to my chains. I hope that with the coming summer I can find myself again. I hope I can find the man that even I would smile at.
It just feels so weird knowing that no matter what I do or what I say, I'll never have that one saying that I long for... that I seek with all my heart. The sentence burns deep within my soul; every letter haunts my dreams and awakens me from my peaceful day dreaming. And it would end if I could just hear that simple sentence, but it cannot and will not come from just anyone. It must come from the person I've longed to hear it from.
That sentence will never sound in my ears. I'll never hear each one of those letters slowly fade from the lips into my soul.
The one thing I want most in this world, I can never have. I would trade it all away. Every inch of my heart I would sell, every bit of dirt and mud upon my feet I would collect and give up, if I could just have this one thing. If I could just see this one person one last time. And then I can know for the first and final time if I was ever good enough to be called yours.
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Kyle, my heart goes out and I feel you are at that place of transformation where God is reaching out to you from where you are in your faith and one day you'll be on the mountain top proclaiming His Love and His Grace. I have been there before and never thought I could learn anything from this experience but it was the very place to brought it all together in understanding the path God has chosen for me. As I read your article I'm listening to the sound track of 'Fighting Temptation' this is the song that came on just as I was thinking of what I could possibly say to make you know God loves you just the way you are and can and will use you as He will meet you exactly where you are:
"He Still Loves Me' By Beyonce'and Walter Milliams, SR. (of the O'Jays). It says 'I'm not good enough but He still loves me...I know I'm not worthy but He still loves me...' If you haven't heard it before it be great to get hold of a copy or try and listen to it online. If I find a link for it I'll come back and post it here.
Please feel free to send me a private messenger and we can exhange email address. God reaches out to us in many different ways and sometimes He uses friends to help us or total strangers just to see us through a rough patch. I love you and I'm always concerned when I read the articles you post.
Let the grieving take its full course but don't allow it to consume you - that's not God's will for you. He wants you to live a full life. Don't allow the enemy to cause you to trade something so beautiful to live in darkness.
Stay focused on the things of Christ and He will direct your path. God bless you and keep you wrapped in His arms and may you find peace and comfort in him. No man on earth can give that to you. Look to God for all your answers.
Love in Christ.
"I have lost control of everything" Friend, it is that humble statement that, as it turns out, is the most powerful statement we can ever make. Because when we admit to ourselves and our God that we are powerless and hand that control over to Him, it is only then that He can begin to truly transform us from the inside out. It is only then that He begins to reveal to us the wonders of His blessings and grace in our lives. I believe it with all my heart... that you will one day look back at this time, a day not so far in the future when God has showered you with better things than your own heart could have conceived today, and you will be astounded at the difference in your own heart's desires. It's hard to receive it or believe it right now. I know that because I tell it to you from experience. I suppose that is why I am always so drawn to read your work.