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Broken Engagement – Vital Lessons from the Story of Joseph
The birth of Jesus took place like this. His mother, Mary, was engaged to be married to Joseph. Before they came to the marriage bed, Joseph discovered she was pregnant. (It was by the Holy Spirit, but he didn't know that. Joseph, chagrined but noble, determined to take care of things quietly so Mary would not be disgraced Matthew 1:18-19 (MSG Version)
It has been said that a broken engagement is better than a broken marriage. How true! Even though broken engagement may have a number of serious emotional effects on both the man and the woman (but more often than not, the woman), it’s still much better when compared with the option of a broken marriage which comes with a lot of complexities and irreparable damages, and which should not even be a considered option considering the divine injunction and intended permanence nature of marriage relationship as instituted by God (‘till death do us part’). When the nuptial ties have not been knotted, it is still possible to back out of an engagement that was meant to lead to marriage if either of the parties has a strong or compelling reason for discontinuation of the relationship. Rather than going into marriage with unresolved issues which are capable of turning the relationship to life imprisonment or hell of sort, it is wise to take the exit route at engagement stage.
From the above scripture, we are presented with the account of the engagement of a young man – Joseph to a beautiful damsel – Mary. Joseph had been in courtship with Mary for sometime and they were both looking forward with excitement to their wedding day when they would make public declaration of their decision to live together as husband and wife. Everything was going on fine in the relationship, and there were no issues at all until Joseph discovered that the lady he wanted to marry was carrying a pregnancy she could not explain. Joseph knew God’s position and consequences of premarital sex, and he has endeavored to keep himself with high sense of discipline throughout the relationship, so he was determined to call off the relationship, there was no way he would keep up with or carry on with the marriage plans under that curious circumstance.
We all know that the Almighty God was at work, and His Spirit was the one working through Mary, an undefiled virgin, to bring forth His Begotten Son –the Saviour of the world. This was later clearly revealed by God to Joseph in a dream, and he (Joseph) needed no other witness to establish that God has chosen to honour him by considering his about to be established family a vehicle to bring the Saviour to the world. Having discovered the purpose of God, Joseph became convinced beyond reasonable doubt and therefore shelved his plan to call off his relationship with Mary. Joseph indeed proceeded with the marriage to Mary and never broke the engagement, however, the story presents us with vital lessons and wisdom around breaking an engagement if and when it becomes necessary.
Many reasons may be responsible for breaking an engagement. For a man and a woman who are in courtship and looking forward to getting married someday, the first and most important thing that must be established is that of personal conviction and decision. As a man or woman in courtship, if you’ve not made up your mind or personally convinced that the man or woman you’re about to settle down with is the right person to spend the rest of your life with, the exit route is still open during courtship. Anyone who downplays the importance of personal decision and conviction as foundation for a successful and lasting marriage relationship does so at his or her own peril. It’s dangerous to allow anyone put you under undue pressure to marry someone you’re not sure you want to spend the rest of your life with. Some people have made the terrible mistake of getting married to their partner just to satisfy or please someone –may be their parents, siblings or even pastors and spiritual mentors. When it comes to the matter of marriage, you must own your decision and be personally convinced of the choice you have made. Looking at the story of Joseph, you would agree with me that it was not anybody -his parents, pastor, sibling, close friends or family that talked him into accepting to marry Mary with the condition of ‘unexplained pregnancy’, he was personally convinced after hearing from God. I’m sure you know that it takes only God to convince anyone in that kind of situation, and having secured personal conviction, it was not difficult for Joseph to own the decision to marry Mary and live happily with his choice. Of course considering the circumstance, there would be a lot of side talks, gossip and rumors in town about their relationship, but Joseph was never bugged with any of these because he owned his decision based on clear conviction.
Another lesson the story presents to us is that when premarital sex is not involved, it is much easier to take the exit route during courtship if and when genuine and compelling reasons make it necessary. Premarital sex is a grievous sin as far God is concerned, and it comes with a lot of terrible consequences. Hebrew 13:4 says ‘Marriage is honourable in all, and the bed undefiled: but whoremongers and adulterers God will judge’. Under certain circumstances before marriage is consummated, the man or the lady may have some reasons which he or she considers strong and compelling enough to call off the relationship; if such situation arises, it’s usually very difficult, especially on the part of the woman to let go if she had offered her body. For instance, if it’s the man that comes up with some reasons to call off the relationship, the lady cannot help the feelings of ‘being used and dumped’, Why? Because she has been involved in premarital sex. If the two parties part ways eventually, the lady may continue to feel discounted because she has given away something that can never be recovered. Notwithstanding, sex is never supposed to be a bait to keep a man or woman imprisoned in a relationship that is potentially leading to a sorrowful and crises-ridden marriage. If you have fallen into the traps of premarital sex, the proper thing is to settle it with God in genuine repentance; you’re not under compulsion to stay on if you have strong and genuine reasons to discontinue, even though you’ve been engaged in sexual intimation.
In addition, looking at the way Joseph wanted to handle his disengagement with Mary, it’s important we pay attention to the high sense of maturity and understanding he displayed. Although he had a very strong and valid reason for wanting to end his engagement with Mary, yet he gave consideration to a number of other things, part of which had to do with emotions of the woman - Mary. Many men have caused serious emotional damages to so many ladies because of the way they handled and called off their relationship with them. While nobody has the right to force you to go on with marriage if you feel there’s a genuine and compelling ground to call off the engagement, it’s equally important that you realize that emotion is involved, and therefore handle the situation in the most mature way. It’s unfortunate that not all that suffered broken engagement have sweet story to tell thereafter, some actually suffer serious emotional imbalance and damages such as depression. The pain and emotional stress associated with broken engagement can actually be minimized or avoided altogether if the situation is handled with utmost care, consideration and maturity.
If you find yourself in a broken engagement, it’s not the end of your life. Truth is that you cannot force yourself on someone who had already made up his or her mind to move on without you. If you have been disappointed by someone who promised you marriage, my conclusion is that the fellow is not good enough to have you as his or her partner, there’s no need to break your head. Someone once said that if a door is not closed, another one will not open, how true! There are great people and men of God today who suffered disappointment from the persons they were supposed to marry initially. Looking at the turn of events now, it would appear the people that disappointed them were not good enough to have them.
Finally, marriage is a sacred institution which is meant to be enjoyed and not endured. Before the nuptial tie is knotted, it’s important you establish beyond reasonable and unreasonable doubt that you’re getting hooked with the right person -note my word ‘the right person’ NOT the ‘best person’. The man or the woman you’re getting married to need not be the best person in terms of so many things, but your decision to love him or her with the shortcomings and flaws is a strong factor that will determine your happiness and success in the marriage relationship. The scripture says ‘two cannot walk together except they agree’. Never force yourself on anyone, you’re a treasure waiting for someone (the right person) to discover! If the guy wants to go let him go; if the lady wants to leave you, let her go, broken engagement is better than broken marriage!
Shalom!
Ezekiel Olukolajo
+234 8033706152
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