1 Kings 18:21, "Then Elijah stood in front of them and said, 'How much longer will you waver, hobbling between two opinions? If the Lord is God, follow him! But if Baal is God, then follow him!' But the people were completely silent."
In today's Bible reading, God spoke deeply to my heart. I read in 1 Kings, and as I read, this verse caught my attention. What really caught my eye was the question Elijah asked the people: "How much longer will you waver, hobbling between two opinions?"
This question was one that I believe God was asking me.
For over two weeks, I've been mad at God. There has been a massive spiritual battle going on in my heart between what my flesh wants and what I feel God has been calling me to do. I've been begging and pleading for God to do things my way. I've been completely absorbed by what I want, and I've refused to give in to what God is laying on my heart. I've made a mess out of my life. I haven't been good to anyone because I've been too self-absorbed in my own problems. Sadly, the problems I've been facing are a result of me not doing things God's way to begin with.
What has been going on?
I've been wavering and hobbling between two opinions.
As I've been standing at this cross-road of what I'm going to do, I've found my spirit in constant turmoil. Inside, I've been tormented by fear, anxiety, depression, and hopelessness. I've been finding myself in a place where I question everything. I wonder why I'm even here. I wonder what dreams I have left to hold onto. I wonder what I'm supposed to do next.
This place I've found myself in is a place I cannot stay in any longer.
My choices: choose God or choose the flesh.
"Well, how can I choose God?" I've been asking. "I feel like God wants me to give up every bit of happiness. I feel like God is wanting to ruin me having fun in life because surely He can see how miserable I am. Why won't He just allow me to have this one thing?"
The statements I made above are the exact reasoning and questions I've had for over two weeks. I've been angry about where my life is at.
Today, God changed something in my heart, though.
Today was the day I realized that I could no longer be fighting against God. I could no longer be fighting for my flesh. Today, I had to let go and let God.
Once I finally released my flesh and submitted to God, I found the peace that I've been needing for a very long time. I finally felt the turmoil subside and the anxiety go away. I no longer felt as if I was wavering between two opinions. At that moment when I finally sided with God again, I found that no matter what happened in my circumstances, it didn't really matter anymore. All that mattered was that I was on God's side again and we were fighting together instead of on opposite sides.
I found it interesting at the end of the verse when the people remained silent. When I was asked different questions and my flesh was confronted, I kept silent because I knew the answer. I knew I was in the wrong, but I didn't want to admit it. I didn't want to confess to being wrong. I wanted God to be on my side and make my way right. That wasn't what happened, though. What happened was I had to let go of me and hold onto God.
Now, I am still in midst of uncertain circumstances that I truly wish were different, but I no longer am left helpless. I no longer am left in turmoil. Now, I am left with hope. Did my circumstances change? Absolutely not! Do I know what tomorrow is going to bring? I can't even see the next step in front of me. How do I have hope, then? My hope is no longer based on what I can see or based on what the circumstances of my day look like. Now, my hope is founded in Christ. He is the source of all hope. We don't have see possibilities to have hope. All we need to see is the Giver of Hope: Jesus himself.
Today, maybe you too are finding yourself in a situation where you feel entirely hopeless. Perhaps you are wondering what you really have to hold onto. Maybe you are in a place just like I was where you feel as if you're stuck and you don't know where to turn to.
Coming from someone who has been there and was living there up until a few hours ago, I encourage you to choose God's side and stop being His opponent. Something I've noticed is that God always wins whether you're on His side or not. Something I've recently learned is that I'd much rather be on God's side than be on the opposite side because He does win in the end.
Whatever you're facing today, it's not too big for God. You may be facing broken dreams. You may be facing past regrets. You may be facing fear for your future. Maybe you're like me and all of the above things are things you're facing. I'm here to bring you hope today that you no longer have to face them alone.
A verse that I find much comfort in in this moment is 2 Chronicles 7:14 which says, "Then if my people who are called by my name will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, I will hear from heaven and will forgive their sins and restore their land."
You're still here. God isn't done with you yet. I don't know what tomorrow is going to look like for you, but what I do know is that God holds your every tomorrow, and He came that you may have life and have it in abundance to the full until it overflows.
I have one question left: Which side are you going to choose?
Dear Heavenly Father,
It's certainly no secret to You that I've been fighting You lately. I've been throwing a fit and choosing to do things my way instead of surrendering to You. I've made a mess out of my life. I've hurt people. I've lived in constant turmoil and anxiety. I've had no peace, and I can't live there anymore. I am sincerely sorry, God, for not obeying You from the beginning. I'm sorry for doing things my way and fighting against You because I was mad that You weren't doing things my way. I pray for strength and endurance. I don't pray that You deliver me from this difficulty. I pray that You shape me and mold me into the woman of God You want me to be, and I pray You use this as part of the way that takes place. I can't keep running from You, God. I can't keep kicking and screaming and pleading with You to let me get what I want. It's time for me to surrender. It's time for me to choose a side, and the side I choose is You. I never want to be on the opposing team again. Forevermore, I want to be on Your side. Help me be strong and courageous and bold as a lion to make the choices in this life that will glorify You... not the choices that feel good now.