Yes, I Give You Leave | Previous Challenge Entry

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TITLE: Yes, I Give You Leave | Previous Challenge Entry
By Linda Lawrence
11/22/23
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At age fifty I gave leave to God to mar my face.

I was feeling overwhelmed with love for Him the day He startled me with a whispered question, “May I mar your face?”

What did He mean? A stroke? Bell’s palsy? Was He giving me a choice? Why was He asking?

As I pondered an answer, I remembered that twenty-five years earlier, in my twenties, I was struggling to like God— let alone love Him. I knew I was failing miserably as a mother, a wife, a Christian, a human being. And, I was married to a missionary! God, as I perceived Him, seemed to ask the impossible.

But God sent Anne to me.

Anne was a missionary to India, on furlough. My husband met her and invited her home for lunch. Watching the two of them approaching the house, my first thought was that’s the homeliest woman I’ve ever seen. But when the two of us were alone, I couldn’t take my eyes off her eyes. They seemed full of love for me? I realized she didn’t know how I was failing as a Christian. So I poured out my confession of anger, guilt, misery, my hopelessness. But to my amazement her countenance—her eyes—only softened with compassion. She was beautiful.

Anne ended up staying with us for two weeks. Her presence brought peace. My misery was lifted while she was there. I feared the heavy depression would return when she left. But I was struck with the possibility that Anne had been sent to show me God. Like God sent Jesus? Since I was afraid of the Bible, I knew little about Jesus. Was it possible Jesus had a countenance like Anne’s! Was it possible He had love and compassion for me in my many failures? Not judgment and condemnation?

When Anne left, I opened my Bible to the Gospels and read from them aloud, trying to hear Jesus’ words from a face with Anne's eyes and countenance. Or was it Jesus’ eyes I saw? All I know for sure is that I was enabled to begin loving—and liking—Jesus and His Father because of seeing They loved me.

Through the years, as I remembered Jesus’ eyes superimposing Anne’s eyes, I asked God if He could one day do that for me. Could I have the privilege of reflecting Jesus’ love and compassion to others as Anne did for me? Was that why, at fifty, God was asking if He may mar my face?

“Oh yes!” I finally cried aloud, in awe that I might actually be trusted with such a privilege. “Of course, if it means Jesus’ eyes will be what people see when they look at me.”

But nothing happened. That is, nothing happened to my face except the occasional zit or rosacea outbreak. I recently turned eighty and often wondered about that long ago question from the Lord. What was that all about?

This week I had an appointment for Moh surgery after a biopsy on my nose revealed basal cell carcinoma. As the tissue was removed and thirty stitches put my nose back together, the memory of the Lord’s question thirty years ago filled me with peace. I would be marred.

How did I think having a marred face would glorify my Lord? I supposed it to be the contrast of Jesus’ perfect love with my now more obvious imperfections. When His beautiful love and compassion glowed through the eyes of homely Anne I had been drawn to Jesus. I had been blessed. I longed for the privilege of blessing some other miserable soul as Anne blessed me.

But the doctor is delighted I’m healing so well and will have little scarring!

Why am I disappointed? Feeling deflated? Through the years I’ve thought of the Lord’s question being prophetic of something unwelcome that would happen. But now when I thought I was welcoming a privilege to bear a scar for Jesus, it turns out to be nothing.

Well, God’s thoughts are higher than my thoughts and he doesn’t need my puny offerings. Maybe that long ago question was simply a question. A question to ponder when scary things happen. A simple question—how much do I trust God?

So for today, I’m just thankful for the peace He gives me to trust Him for whatever happens.

Yes my Lord, I give you leave to do—or not do—whatever will bring glory to You.

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