Previous Challenge Entry (Level 4 – Masters)
Topic: GRACE (08/24/23)
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TITLE: Help Wanted: Equal Trauma Required CONTINUED | Previous Challenge Entry
By Linda Lawrence
08/29/23 -
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I leave messages for Paula in three places to remind her of tomorrow’s eagerly awaited appointment. Ah, Paula’s calling from the drop-in center.
“I don't want to see anybody. I don’t like myself and I don’t want to be around old or disabled people. I want instant answers to my questions. I’m sixty-four and I’ve waited too many years. I don’t understand why I can’t have a husband and babies like other people and why I was made like garbage and I don’t want to see anybody and— ” Her manic rant is familiar and heartbreaking.
“—Whoa Paula! You’ve been asking me for years to find someone you could talk to that would understand how you feel. I don’t think there’s anyone who is better qualified than Camilla to help you figure things out.”
“I know she’s had trauma too. I haven’t had her trauma and she hasn’t had mine and two and two make four and everybody’s different and I’m tired of being different and I don’t want to talk to you or anybody . . . ”
“Whoa Paula.” Deep breath. “Paula, Camilla’s 86th birthday is today. She has lived long enough to give you wise counsel and— “
“Well listening to her won’t help me . . . and life isn’t fair . . . and I don’t want to see anybody and . . . I’m going to hang up now . . . “
“Wait!” I shout. “Paula, this is a chance you won’t get again. You always ask me why you don’t get a second chance. This is like your fifth chance. Please don’t throw it away! This is God’s gift. I’m pleading with you to not cancel tomorrow. It took so much to make this happen.”
“We can talk on the phone if she wants.”
“No Paula, talking on the phone won’t work.”
”Why not?”
“You know how hard it is to connect with anyone on the phone. I had to leave messages in two places and then a note on your door today, trying to make arrangements for tomorrow. And besides, you need to see each other face to face to really understand each other’s heart.”
“Well I don’t want to be with anyone! . . . But you can tell pastor and his wife, I’ll see them.”
“Pastor has given you all he knows to give. He’s young and doesn’t know what else he can do for you. He is so thankful that God brought you and Camilla together. We’re so hopeful you will be heard and understood and helped.”
“I’m going to hang up.”
“Paula PLEASE! You’re making me cry. I can’t believe you are throwing away what you begged for! Please don’t!”
“I don’t understand why I can’t have a husband and babies like other people and why I was made like garbage and I’m not going to be with old people and— “
“Paula! Stop! . . . I’m ashamed about this but—I am so angry right now . . . “ And I hang up the phone! Frustration, helplessness, and shame at losing my temper brings me to my knees. I want to love Paula like Jesus loves and I failed. I have nothing else to give her.
I drive to Camilla’s to deliver a little birthday cheer, but really hope she can cheer me up after my abysmal loss of temper and grace with Paula. I tell her of Paula’s decision and Camilla says that since Paula has such strong prejudice against “old people” she wouldn’t be able to help her. Camilla is full of grace with me, saying all the right things to try to make me feel better. I do receive the Lord’s encouragement to give grace to myself. But I’m so sad that Paula is passing up a gift that God orchestrated for her.
Paula has pushed me away multiple times. I’ve taken each break as a time for rest until the Lord would remind me that His love pursues. I’d then seek her out again, hug her, pray over her, and invite her to do something she says she likes doing—bake, go for a drive, sing, watch cat videos, read Jesus Storybook Bible. Anything to keep her from starting the litany of the unfairness of her life.
Jesus, what would You do next? The one thing I know for sure is that grace will be required.
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