Hard Conversations | Previous Challenge Entry

how it works

TITLE: Hard Conversations | Previous Challenge Entry
By Corinne Smelker
05/05/22
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“Howard, you need to take the keys from John. He’s in no fit state to drive.”

Howard, my horse-riding instructor, and his wife Frances had hosted a ‘It’s a Saturday, let’s party” alcohol laden fest at the stables where I spent so much of my time. Although they enjoyed alcohol, they were mere amateurs in comparison to my parents. This was our first invite to one of their parties and I think they were shocked and perhaps slightly in awe of the sheer volume of liquor my parents, my father especially, could pack away.

After several hours of imbibing, my brother, Peter, and I were growing more and more anxious, so Frances told Howard that my father was not, under any circumstances, allowed to drive us home. We almost cried in relief.

One of the other party couples, Frank and Mary, decided that Frank would drive us home in our Combi, and Mary would follow in their car. My father sat up front, slurring complaints and protesting that he was sober. My mother was next to the sliding door, and I sat beside her. The fumes of alcohol were so strong I’m pretty sure I got a contact high.

The ride home was quiet apart from my father mumbling to himself. My mother had laid her head against the sliding door, and I thought she had fallen asleep. Suddenly, she sat up, reached for the door whilst exclaiming, “I want some air.” Before I knew what was happening, the door slid back and she stood up, bracing herself in the doorway. Peter and I both lunged for her, trying with all our strength to pull her back. I was a petite 10-year-old, and although he was a year younger, he was slightly taller and bigger than me, so between us we were able to get her inside. She unceremoniously landed on the Combi floor and passed out. I closed the door and sat against it, panting. Frank had slowed down, craning his neck to see what was happening, but once I told him we were ok, he sped up again.

A few minutes later we arrived at our huge farmhouse, and with the help of Frank and Mary, we escorted my parents into their bedroom. As they left, I heard them utter words of concern and disgust.

Peter and I knew no different. From the time I was seven I had been getting my parents up in the morning, getting their coffee and tea ready and ensuring we left the house on time. Every night they drank themselves into oblivion. It was all I had ever known.

Two years after this incident, when I was 12, I became a Christian. It was my first introduction to the word of God, and I heard the 10 Commandments for the first time. “Honor your father and your mother so that your days may be long…”

“You’re kidding right?” I asked the pastor and his wife. “Do you know what my parents are like? And what does honor even mean?”

Many discussions were had, and many cups of tea were consumed in my pastor’s house over the next days, weeks, months and even years as I grappled with the reality of living with parents who themselves needed parenting, and juggling that with being a Christian, obeying the Word and honoring them.

The conversations weren’t always pretty, they were raw, honest, and hard. I wrestled with the whole ‘how could a loving God saddle me with these parents?’ How could I honor people who were so obviously not worthy of it? Wouldn’t honoring them just reinforce their awful behaviors?

I would be lying if I said it got easier. It didn’t. My brother and I parented our parents until we both left home. My father basically drank himself into the grave. And although my mother stopped drinking a few years before his death the damage to her body is irreversible.

Honoring them was never easy. Every day I lived with them was hard. Every encounter I had with them after I left home was tough. However, I learnt that showing grace was key – not for them, but for me. When I showed grace, I could demonstrate honor.

Now, as a parent myself, I am thankful for the grace that goes hand-in-hand with honor. Without honor there is no grace or mercy. And don’t we all need as much grace and mercy as possible?

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