Previous Challenge Entry (Level 4 – Masters)
Topic: TRIAL (05/10/18)
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TITLE: A Childhood Lost | Previous Challenge Entry
By Dianne Janak
05/16/18 -
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That last question was easy. I was never a child.
Hitting bottom had knocked the breath out of me. I had no peace in any of my close relationships. By default, I was a rescuer and fixer, but my efforts just made matters worse.
This highly recommended Christian counselor hit the core of all I wanted to forget. But that’s where the gold is. I knew it, but it did not make it easy.
I prayed first, and then started writing. The shame I’d always felt for my ‘inner child’ who was ineffective as a parent, turned to compassion. For the first time I saw the truth. I didn’t fail. I survived.
My first memory was at age 4, the night my little sister took her first steps. Mom and Dad were fighting as usual, but this was escalating. They were shoving us back and forth, screaming “you take them. I don’t want them.”
I remember knowing I was the reason, as my Mom often told me if I had not been born she would be free of Daddy. Even though I didn’t know the word “responsible”, I knew the weight of the burden.
When Mom left open the kitchen cabinets, I would close them behind her to keep Dad from losing his temper when he got home. He had a thing against open cabinet doors.
At age ten, I would get up at six every morning to start my dad’s car. He was too impatient on cold days to wait for it to warm up, and would then take it out on Mom, who then took out her anger on me.
So I had to rescue them from themselves. I used to dream about having a cape and flying, but I probably would have taken off, and not looked back, rather than use my Super woman skills.
The only peace I knew in that home was my room, and I spent as much time in it as possible. I longed for quiet. For harmony. For someone to talk to or help me with my problems. There was no one. They had turned to me, but I had failed them.
By the time I was twelve I started studying psychology to try to fix what was wrong in my home. Dad noticed and started coming to me for advice. I remember telling him he was “crossing the line.” I’m giving myself a high five for that remark, even if i doubt he heard me.
That was enough. The pain of those years came tumbling back, and saw myself in those unfair situations longing for a parent’s love. The tears started after writing all this down, and my prayers were asking God for healing. Not just the memories, but my tendency now as a mother of three to control everyone’s feelings to try to keep the family happy.
God, where do I start to change this? What do I do with my life going in a direction that is not pleasing to You? I'm just doing what I know. Rescue and fix, but I’m failing.”
Be Still and Know that I am God.
“Be still? I’m never still. I have no time to be still.”
Then you have no time for Me.
"I’m desperate God. Please help me. I will make time. I need your help."
Forgive yourself. Forgive them. They were lost. You are Mine.
"Ok, Father, I will do all of this, but will that help me heal from this 'control' thing?"
When you know that I am GOD, really know Me? You can relax. You are responsible only for your own feelings. Let your loved ones work through theirs. Love them and trust Me. Give all the burdens I never intended you to have back to Me, and find My rest. But pray without ceasing. I love you and will never leave you or forsake you. I am your Forever Father, and you are my child. Enjoy the rest!
True story
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