Previous Challenge Entry (Level 4 – Masters)
Topic: FORGET (10/17/19)
- TITLE: Eyewitness To Grief Everlasting
By Judith Gayle Smith
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I love this gal, sitting and rocking beside me. Rocking. Mom rocked when she was unhappy. My beloved sister rocks when her mind torments her. My heart wants to cradle her and rock her to peace and comfort.
She rocks because she feels overwhelmed with guilt. She hasn't reason to be tortured by false guilt, imagined and suppressing her. How do I help her? She is a child of God. she has repented of past sins and loves Jesus and others more than herself.
and still she grieves.
Seventy years ago I would watch her burst into tears when she entered a church. I did not understand. She says it's because she loves Jesus so much. I love
Him too - but I wonder if I show Him? She cannot sing hymns - she weeps through them. She is wonderful and a great wonder to me. Why cannot I express myself like she does?
We share reasons to grieve, but not to embrace guilt. I have heard many times the expression "guilty pleasures". odd phrase. We are convicted by the Holy Spirit when we are tempted to disobey God. I am bounced on my head by His Spirit when I forget to praise Him. I cannot let myself be swallowed up in guilt, but be grateful to Him that His Word comforts and "rightens" us.
Most of my sweet sister's life was consumed with guilt for our daddy's sudden, tragic and horrific death. She shared his great love for shells, rocks and fossils. He died digging for fossils on a fresh dig on a double railroad track. she thought he was searching for relics for her. Daddy, as his father before - was a gemologist and fossil collector. Daddy also liked his Four Roses Whiskey - and drank it while digging. She blamed herself, and for sixty years embraced that terrible pain.
Daddy was a wino. I know, this is not honoring him. I loved him, but was terrified of him when he drank. I cannot forget. God Himself forgets our sins. We keep reminding him, unfortunately. But how Daddy died wasn't her fault. How to comfort her? How to comfort myself for not realizing the pain she harbors in that sweet breast?
She and I were in the same grade in school. Mom said it was because she had all the possible childhood illnesses in the first grade. People thought we were twins. She taught me to read, then lost interest herself. Today, the only book she will read is the Holy Bible. Is losing interest a way of forgetting?
She finally shared with me her horrible secret. She couldn't study or even think as she was consumed with fear for our mother. Daddy, when "in his cups" was a wife and child beater. She was afraid to leave us alone with him. Daddy had a good position where he worked, but the coming home for lunchtimes haunted her.
When she finally shared all her angst with me, I started grieving over all that I was not cognizant of - or deliberately forgetful? I developed an uncaring heart, eager to escape to school and forgetfulness. I worry that I did not worry about mom when we were away from home. This is how guilt works - we cannot forget nor forgive ourselves when we miss the mark.
We are only a year apart - my sis being the firstborn. She missed almost a full month in her development, being born the first day into the ninth month. Possibly that factored into her beautiful caring, loving spirit. All she desires is to "happify" everyone. If someone is carelessly thoughtless, misunderstanding her reaching out, she is heartbroken. She can't forget the time and occasion for her mind to lash her with guilt.
I have been guilty of causing quite a bit of her suffering. I used to hold jealousy to my heart, rather than caring about her. She was a sweet, obedient and loving child who desired peace in the family above all things. I told her she was a "goody two-shoes." She swallowed guilt from me, when I was terribly wrong, misjudging her.
Now I sit and rock. I tell her she is not that proverbial "butterfly in the rainforest" that creates havoc everywhere. I misunderstand her. I am impatient with her.
I love her.
We must forgive and forget our past. We have our present and future with Jesus, our Savior, Strength and Deliverer...
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