Previous Challenge Entry (Level 4 – Masters)
Topic: BORED - Begins 1-11-18 / Ends 1-18-18 (01/11/18)
TITLE: Joey and the Buffalo
By Leola Ogle
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Angie glared at him, hands on her hips. One of those hands had just smacked him into tomorrow – or at least that’s what it felt like.
Why was she so mad?
What he said was a compliment. He loved a big derriere. Always had. Shucks, all the women in his family were endowed with huge behinds. He found it sexy. No, no, no – he didn’t find it sexy on family members. Ew. Mama, Granny, Aunt Martha, Cousins Delilah and Jezebel. Double ew.
Ah, but Angie. He was first attracted to her big behind. Granny called it buffalo buttocks. When Angie sashayed past him in her tight waitress uniform, he had hot flashes, and not the menopausal kind. He was in love with that tush of hers before he was in love with her.
When he first saw Angie in that café, he had given up on dating – bored with the whole single scene. Plastic, artificial-looking faces. Skinny, tanned bodies. Hollow laughter and shallow conversations. Where were the real women with some plumpness in the right places?
Cousin Delilah told him it wasn’t dating he was bored with – he was tired of getting turned down because he was boring. Her sister, Jezebel, agreed. “You’re dumb and boring,” Jezebel told him.
What did Delilah and Jezebel know? The foul-mouth skinny spinsters. There’s a reason they’re named Delilah and Jezebel.
At least their comments gave him the backbone he needed to ask Angie out. One date with her and the rest was history. Now they were sitting in Pastor Mike’s office for premarital counseling.
That’s right, they were getting married. He had planned the most romantic proposal in the history of mankind. Took Angie to a county fair and right there in the 4-H livestock exhibition building, he dropped on one knee, started singing Drifting Along Like a Tumbling Tumbleweed – ‘cause that was him, drifting along without a wife. He finished the song, pleased that a crowd had gathered, then he popped the question, flashing the ring he’d bought from Bart’s Beads, Baubles, and Bling. A real diamond and gold. Payments for twelve easy monthly payments.
He could see that ring glistening on Angie’s finger right now.
Joey grinned at Pastor Mike, as tickled to be getting married as a moth in a wool garment factory. Pastor Mike asked what they each liked the best about the other. Angie said, “Dating Joey is never boring. He’s…well, what can I say? His dating skills are unconventional.”
There she went – using them big words. Her big words were as charming as her big bottom.
When Pastor Mike asked what he liked best about Angie, he answered truthfully, “Her buffalo buttocks.” Wham! That’s when she smacked him and was on her feet, staring him down.
It shocked Pastor Mike so much, he reared back in his chair, and boom – the chair crashed backward, spilling the kindly reverend onto the floor, legs pointing heavenward.
Angie didn’t notice the poor reverend. She tapped her foot and like she was practicing for a marching band. “You like my buffalo what, Joey?”
“Uh, hey, you two,” Pastor Mike implored as he struggled to get to his feet.
Joey wanted to help him, but he would have to walk around Angie. His cheek still stung after that slap, and he wasn’t chancing a second one.
“Help Pastor Mike up, Angie.”
Angie threw her hands in the air. “Me? Oh, so I should help the pastor up because what? Because I have a buffalo butt, uh, buttocks, so that makes me strong like a buffalo. No, don’t shake your head, Joey. It’s too late. Those words were outta your mouth.”
“Sweetie. Honey-pie. I love your bu..bu..bu.” Joey gulped and couldn’t finish.
“Well, Joey. I’ll just take my buffalo buttocks home. Goodbye.”
Pastor Mike had his chair righted and was on his feet. “Wait here, son. I’ll talk to her," he said, following Angie out the door.
Joey wasn’t much of a praying man, but he prayed. He paced and begged God to bring his darlin' Angie back.
And God did just that. Pastor Mike came back in with a sheepish Angie. She threw her arms around Joey and kissed him.
Joey never knew what Pastor Mike said to Angie, but he never mentioned her bottom again.
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