Previous Challenge Entry (Level 3 - Advanced)
Topic: TRAVEL (07/08/21)
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TITLE: Turn Around and See | Previous Challenge Entry
By Laurie Bahlke
07/13/21 -
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I looked out to the west, the blue water laying vastly open before me. Although it did not feel especially windy, waves would bump into me, nudging me backwards, sometimes catching me off balance. Again, and again this happened until the words “turn around and see” commanded my attention. Tears were spilling from my eyes as I questioned what I was supposed to do now that she was gone; now that I would no longer see her or hear her voice. What was the purpose, I asked, of making a living and a life, if in the end, we are never truly ready for the good-bye and the loss? Why had eight months passed, and her death still did not seem real to me?
I loved my mother and there are many stories of our journey together to tell. I thought I could accept her death perhaps more bravely because she had been at death’s door many times before. I had not shared a special conversation with her before her death, as those conversations and moments were gifted to others. Instead, I was advocating for her to have visitors, to have someone present to make decisions with her. I was setting up web meetings for grandchildren to say hello and then goodbye. I was helping her to order pizza “with everything” from the hospital dietician and bargaining for a few more carb allowances so she could have dessert. I wish that I could have had a conversation about the approaching end, but her energy reserves and need for nursing care seemed to always interrupt like a door that quickly closes to an unexpected wind.
“Turn around and see.” I moved my body, this time facing east with the sun overhead now in my eyes. There were children playing with sand buckets in the water, teen boys tossing a football, a couple holding hands and sitting on the beach, a mother coaxing her young daughter to smile as she let sand fall from her hand in big, sifting heaps. There was my husband who gently tended to my wounded heart looking out at me, knowing that I was grieving and giving me some space to let the tears fall. I could hear chatter, laughter, music, a baby crying, a seagull’s shrill call. Suddenly, I felt like I knew the answer. Making a life looked and felt like this moment; caught in grief yet rescued by life with all its moving parts and challenges.
A good friend once told me that any emotion can lead to sin, even grief. At first, I did not understand how this could be but now I do. Grief, while an important emotion that brings us closer to healing after loss can also linger and erupt, leading to despair and eventually turning away from God in anger and disobedience. It is in the turning away from God where we can fall. God desires us to draw close, to walk the journey and to remain faithful even through great sorrow.
“Today, if you hear his voice, do not harden your hearts” (Hebrews 8:2 NLT). When grief pulls you away and isolates you, listen to his voice and turn around. When longing and sadness overwhelm, listen to his voice and turn around. When you feel as if you cannot breathe and that perhaps you are losing faith, hear his voice and turn around.
That day on the beach I understood the purpose of living on through great sorrow which is “to keep on loving others as long as life lasts in order to make sure that what you hope for will come true” (Hebrews 6:11 NLT). I desire to see my mom again someday just as I desire to make the most of each day with those I love and cherish. It is hard to travel this earthly home without her, but it is the reminder from God’s word that I am to “keep on”, that moves me forward and allows me to change direction.
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