Libert�, �galit�, Fraternit� | Previous Challenge Entry

how it works

TITLE: Libert�, �galit�, Fraternit� | Previous Challenge Entry
By Gary Ritter
02/23/15
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She was a beauty. I circled her as she sat on the concrete in the parking lot of my apartment complex, her engine ticking from my short drive home. Then I stood still, held my breath, and marveled. Oh, if only more people were like me – acting on the courage of their convictions. The polar icecaps would stop melting, the sea levels would no longer rise, and the apocalypse by which Mother Nature planned to punish us could be thwarted.

I drew a chamois towel from the bag I’d brought with me and tenderly wiped her hood. I couldn’t stop congratulating myself on this awesome purchase. There she was, advertised on Craigslist, a steal at twice the cost. How her prior owner could part with her, I can’t imagine. Naturally, I kept my counsel to myself when I spoke to him and negotiated the price. Fool! I practically stole it from under his nose.

To think he let this baby go: pale yellow (I thought of daffodils in springtime), 3-door hatchback (more practical than anything else on the market), FWD (I’ll plow through snowdrifts in winter), a full 55 horsepower (how I’ll zip here and there while saving the planet), and only 197,347 miles on her (years to go until anything goes wrong). And…she was a Yugo. I wish I had two more arms so I could pat myself on the back all day long while doing all my other tasks.

When I roused myself from my dream of eliminating global warming singlehandedly while having more fun driving than anybody owning even a Jaguar XK Convertible could, I remembered my girlfriend. Kayla stayed home in our apartment while I’d gone to buy my car, but now I wanted to share the thrill with her.

She exclaimed appropriately and opened the passenger door to hop in. Well, almost. The door creaked and screamed in protest. She got it open about six inches, but that was it. “No problem,” I said, “that’s an easy fix. Get in my side.”

I never realized how awkward Kayla was. Her leg got hung up on the gearshift. As she pushed through that little difficulty her hand struck the steering wheel. The Yugo emblem, which was proudly displayed in its center, fell off. She grabbed for it near the accelerator pedal and toppled backward, striking her head on the slope of the hatchback. Breathing heavily and swearing mightily as she was prone to do when somewhat annoyed, she finally situated herself in her seat, rubbing the sore spot on her forehead.

When I asked, “Are you okay?” she simply glared at me. I shrugged and got behind the wheel. I cradled the emblem and said, “You could have been more careful,” I was rather glad she didn’t hold a carry permit. We’re big anti-gun people anyway, because who knows when a person will go off the deep end and shoot somebody? Like my girlfriend.

Kayla reached for the seat belt. It wouldn’t release until I’d fiddled with it five minutes. “I take care of it,” I promised.

I revved her up and headed for the expressway, windows down. Who needs A/C? Ah, the wind in my face! Kayla had both hands to her head trying to prevent loose strands of hair from whipping around. I laughed in glee. “Feel the power,” I shouted. Pressing the gas pedal we shot up to 45mph in only ten seconds as we merged into traffic.

Seeing the massive semis and the BMWs whirring past us I smirked. How much gas were they all using? When the end comes and Gaia has her revenge, how they’ll wish they’d been as smart as yours truly. The forces of the universe will reward me. Those poor slobs who abuse the environment? They’ll surely pay.

A semi came up on my tail, hovering over us, and blasted his airhorn. I was keeping a steady 45. What was his problem? He pulled out to pass and almost clipped me. As he went around, his wake caught us and lifted our front end. I veered toward the shoulder bouncing along the rumble strip. As I did an Escalade decided to pass on my right. He swerved and missed us, but I couldn’t keep us from the ditch.

As we sat in the car upside down hanging from our seatbelts, waiting for emergency help, I reflected how this wouldn’t have happened if everyone drove a Yugo. Equality for all! Someday all will bow to that god.

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