Previous Challenge Entry (Level 3 - Advanced)
Topic: SWEET HOUR OF PRAYER (don’t write about the song) (04/30/15)
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TITLE: It Must Be Mo | Previous Challenge Entry
By Jason Hubal
05/05/15 -
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“No we didn’t," she hollered back. "Remember the kids bathed last night and I have a day off.”
“We’ll need to call the super.” He decided to at least shave—a nick added to his frustration. Soon he discovered that there weren’t any eggs to cook his daily soft boiled egg. He got into an argument with his wife, causing the kids to cry. During the ruckus his toast turned black.
Kyle had enough and stormed outside and climbed into his car. He started the ignition and smelled something foul. He turned off the engine, jumped out, and noticed dog poo on his shoe. For the next fifteen minutes he cleaned it off his shoe and the car’s floor mat.
“What else could go wrong?” he wondered finally on the way to work. At a stoplight, he went to open his packed lunch because he was starved, but it was nowhere. He slapped the steering wheel. “I forgot my lunch!”
Things didn’t improve when he walked into his work, the donut shop. Feeling famished, he needed something to eat. A donut would ruin his diet. He gave in and choked down a disgusting unglazed donut. “I’ll have to run an extra mile,” he thought as his irate boss yelled at him for being late. The customers all seemed to have conspired against him. One lady kept changing her mind; a guy didn’t want cream in his coffee; and a granny paid with dimes, taking one out of her pocketbook at a time. Impatiently, he snapped at these annoying customers.
When his shift ended, he sighed, took off his gloves, and threw them in the trash. What a hectic day! During Kyle’s break, he had no desire to eat another donut so he went to the car with a grumbling stomach. He turned the key in the ignition but nothing happened. “No!” He tried again with the same results.
“No! Seriously?” He groaned looking at the clouds. “Come on God, please a little break.”
Kyle saw he had left his headlights on and kicked himself for being stupid. It must be the battery so he flipped the hood and then grabbed the jumper cables. He headed toward the donut shop, hoping someone could jump him. “Please, God, let there be someone to help me.”
Midway to the doorway, he heard six fabulous words from behind: “Can I give you a jumpstart?”
Kyle turned on his heels and faced a large man. “Yes, you’re a Godsend—thank You Lord. Yes, sir, my battery died.”
“Here, hand me your cables and I’ll have you running in no time.” After the man hooked the cables to both vehicles, he asked Kyle to turn the key—it started right up. He celebrated and danced in his seat.
Later at home, Kyle made amends with his wife and brought the kids’ their favorite Hawaiian pizza. Following dinner, and when the kids were settled in bed, he sat in the closet for communion with his Heavenly Father. “Sweet hour of prayer,” Kyle declared.
“Dear Heavenly Father, Thank You. Thanks for sending that man to jumpstart my car. Sorry for being mad and impatient with my wife, kids, and customers. Please forgive my unpleasant attitude. I should’ve been more considerate. Thanks for showing me this. Show me how to be more loving like you.”
Kyle prayed for many other things and at times sitting in silence as he listened to God. “In the Name of Jesus. Amen.” Indeed it was a sweet hour prayer, as he stepped out feeling spiritually refreshed.
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There are a couple of techniques you may like. These have proven to add power to passages.
1. Here you wrote: Opening the door, he yelled at his wife, “You guys used all the hot water!” The way you used the --ing form of the verb for the less important action, and then used a strong --ed form of the verb for the main action is terrific. This is a great way to add power where you want it, so the reader follows you on an emotional level. Nice job.
2. “What else could go wrong?” he wondered finally on the way to work.
In this sentence, using the phrase "finally on the way to work" neatly showed us the passage of time and moved the story forward. This is very helpful to keep the reader oriented as your narrator moves through his day. Well done. It would also work putting the time-related phrase first in the sentence, first in the paragraph to make the transition in time immediately apparent. Well done.