Previous Challenge Entry (Level 3 - Advanced)
Topic: Write for the HUMOR Genre (10/09/14)
- TITLE: The Edomite Wives of Solomon
By Francie Snell
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Listlessly, Zabud treaded across the throne room to stand before King Solomon. He bowed, and then kneeled, as he looked down and muttered, “May my King live forever.”
He paused longer than usual before he stood.
Solomon, sitting on his throne, gazed down at him with concern. “Good Morning Zabud. Are you not feeling well today?
Zabud sighed. “My Lord, I am most anxious to present to you a matter more inane than your ears should ever hear.”
Solomon furrowed his eyes in puzzlement. “Of what matter are you speaking?”
“It is a matter concerning your wives…again.”
Solomon’s eyes widened. “My wives… My beautiful pedals that quiver in the breeze… My lovely….”
Zabud interrupted flatly. “Yes, your lovely Edomite wives, to be exact.”
Solomon looked beyond Zabud, off into the distance, as he pictured some of them in his mind. A smile formed on his face.
Zabud cleared his throat. “They are the ones who requested the flowering vines be delivered from their homeland and planted in your garden.”
Solomon nodded his head. “Aaaw yes, I remember their strange request. Have they not received them?”
“They have received them my Lord; at least 2 months ago, the vines arrived and were planted in your garden. Everything was performed according to your instruction. Even the soil they requested was brought from Edom. Both, dirt and vines, were planted in a timely manner.”
“This is good. All should be well then.”
Shaking his head, Zabud replied, “No, my Lord. In fact, they lament over the outcome of their request.”
“Why is this? Will these women ever be content? What is their problem now?”
“As I have heard, the vines, which normally bloom in this season, are not. Consequently, this has made many of the women quite upset.”
Solomon offered, “Well, perhaps they will bloom next year.”
“Yes my Lord, and that is what the gardener Adoniram has told them. However, they are an impetuous breed, and have taken upon themselves the endeavor to remedy the situation.”
“What do you mean?”
“These wives of yours have reasoned together that it must be for lack of nourishment for the vines not to bloom.”
“Yes, I can see where that could possibly be.”
“Yes, my Lord. So, they have resolved to fertilize the vines on their own.”
“Fertilize the vines?”
Zabud took a deep breath. “They ventured into the camel pens.”
Solomon raised his brows. “And?”
Zabud rapidly blinked his eyes. “Fertilizer.”
Slowly, a look of horror came upon Solomon’s face, and then, words came bellowing from deep within his chest. “My wives have been in the camel pens collecting DUNG?“
Zabud slowly nodded his head as he looked down. “Yes. It is a disgrace my Lord, and a dishonor to you and your great kingdom.”
Solomon raged. “A list! I want a list made of these women. Then, have the entrances to their chambers clearly marked with a sign; a sign that will show I am not to go into them." He scowled. “How could they do this?”
“Yes my Lord. I will make it so, and start preparing a list of these women right away.”
Zabud stood silent for a moment.
“My Lord, may I be so bold to address another issue related to this matter?”
Narrowing his eyes, Solomon asked, “And what other distressing news could you have for me?”
“Yes my Lord. When your wives went into the pens, apparently, it was quite upsetting to the animals; they growled loudly at the women, and spat at them, as camels do, and then ran to the far corners of their pens. Since then, they have not moved nor eaten. The livestock attendants are quite worried.”
“Yes my Lord.”
“How are my horses?”
“The horses have not been bothered. We have posted guards to diligently watch over them, protecting them from your wives.”
Solomon contemplated the plight of his livestock, his Edomite wives, with the problems they had caused, and further realized the error of not following God’s warnings against taking foreign wives. “What other disasters can these women possibly inflict?”
Zabud shrugged. “Only God knows, my Lord.”
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