Previous Challenge Entry (Level 2 – Intermediate)
Topic: Great (07/06/06)
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TITLE: Servant at the Cliff | Previous Challenge Entry
By Erwin Robledo
07/13/06 -
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The caravan was waiting outside the city, and the priest, fresh from his morning devotion, walked to the front with a sense of holiness. He signaled the group to move and they moved, toward the borders of the kingdom in order to bless the people within it.
On the fifth day of the journey he reached the westernmost portion of the kingdom which was bordered by a cliff, and on its edge he noticed a young man standing attentively, and his bearing seemed like that of a prince.
The priest took some of the cakes and the wine that they had and went up the cliff. The person greeted him with a polite bow and smiled, and they partook of the food.
“Prince,” the priest said, “your presence honors us greatly. Have you come to bring peace to your kingdom and ours?”
“I am flattered that you call me prince, yet I am no more than a humble servant of the Most High God, who reigns over heaven and earth,” the servant replied. “Yet do not worry; our kingdom has no conflict with yours.”
“I see,” the priest said, unable to believe what was told him in his heart. The servant wore a simple tunic which was pure white, and was adorned with gold and precious stones all over his body. “And the jewelry?”
“They are mine, kind priest. My ornaments reveal my rank, and it is the lowest of all. You should see the jewelry of those who dine with the king; they are the stars that shine in the night.”
“What a powerful king you have then,” the priest contemplated. The lowest servants in the kingdom of the dragon god do not even have sandals. “You must serve a great king.”
“The God whom I serve created the heaven and the earth, and that which is beyond the eyes of man. He commands the riches to come, and they come.”
The priest became more fascinated with this God. “Why then have you come here?”
“I was told to wait for a sage who will serve in His court for a time, that he might be taught the proper justice and righteousness to rule a part of His kingdom.”
“How fortunate that sage is. And when shall he arrive?”
“When he is old, for now the sage must learn to search for Him. Until then I shall wait, me and my brothers,” and he pointed behind him so the priest could see two columns of servants forming a straight line, all clothed the same as he. “Until then, I am not to leave this post.”
“I have never heard of any task like it. You serve a hard ruler, yet you are compensated well. I bless you for your loyal servitude, and may your God bless you as well.” He bade the servant goodbye and returned to the caravan.
The kingdom of the dragon god is wide and vast, and when he completed his task, the priest was already an old man, weak and very forgetful, yet he never forgot the servant of the Most High God. Intrigued until now, and no longer with purpose, he made his way back to the cliff. There he found the servant and his brethren, who greeted him with a polite bow and smiled.
“I am an old man now,” he confessed, looking at the servant who had not aged at all. “I see that the Most High God even controls the seasons and have given you your youth. I have served my god faithfully, yet I have nothing to show for it. Friend, I ask if I may see the God whom you serve before I die that I may at least bless Him, for all these years I have made Him my reason for living.”
“Of course.” The servant took his hand and led him between the column of servants, whose bodies were covered in jewels that sparkled like the stars.
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Two things did bother me. BTW, these are both nitpicky.
One, a few of your sentences (especially in the beginning) seemed a bit too long. (I tend to be of the opinion that long sentences in the beginning can turn a reader off. But, that's just me.)
Second, the idea of the servants being adorned with jewels bugged me just a bit. To me it alters the meaning behind the servants' motivation.
But, I honestly loved your dialogue, title, and your story overall. Impressive work.
Your descriptions are excellent, especially of the stone dragon and its temple. That paragraph was a well-worded 'draw' to the rest of the story.
I admit to being a little confused about the extent of the priest's journey on my first reading. I guess I didn't realize that the priest was blessing the boundaries of the kingdom and that it would be almost a lifetime duty.
I liked the small comparisons of the kingdom of the Most High God to the kingdom of the dragon. The one that was most telling was this: "My ornaments reveal my rank, and it is the lowest of all. You should see the jewelry of those who dine with the king; they are the stars that shine in the night. . . The lowest servants in the kingdom of the dragon god do not even have sandals."
I might have rearranged the phrases in "unable to believe what was told him in his heart" to read "Unable to believe in his heart what was told him."
In your third to last paragraph you use present tense with the verb 'is' and the phrase 'until now'. Because this is an allegory, you can get away with using past tense and phrases that indicate that which is past all the way through (substitute 'was' and drop 'until now').
This was an excellent story, and gives a wonderful message. I look forward to more of your writing!