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Topic: ALONE (10/20/22)
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TITLE: DARK LONELINESS DID NOT WIN | Previous Challenge Entry
By Evelyn Alexander
10/26/22 -
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Sadly, I was about to learn I was not the strong Christian I thought I was… that God did not do things the way I thought He would… and that there are times in life where only He can walk with us to help us through some of the most challenging times in life.
I was suffering from a total breakdown, mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually, with severe depression that lasted for months and beyond. My life and faith were shattered; I felt forsaken by both God and friends. Except for my very concerned hubby, I had no one else to turn to; I had never felt so broken and alone.
There is much I could share about that deepest darkest time in my life. But instead of dwelling on the darkness and despair, I want to share with you a couple of amazing things God did for me that set me on the road to recovery. I had given up on God, but thankfully He never gave up on me. I know that might sound like a cliché, but it’s true.
My most memorable thing happened early on, in what felt like it was going to be an eternal pit of despair. I was hunched down on my knees by the side of my bed, sobbing inconsolably—which I was doing most of the time those days—as my heart ached with hopeless despair. My brain seemed all muddled with trying to understand why this was happening.
I had my answer through a vision. Almost as if I was watching a video clip, suddenly I was seeing what was left of a tree that had been cut down flush with the ground. Not even a short stump or twig was left. I somehow knew that tree was me. The scene then changed. Now I saw beautiful, healthy green leaves on stems several inches tall, sprouting up from around the edges of the leveled stump.
I then “knew that I knew” God was telling me He had to completely remove everything in my life so he could regrow me to be a spiritually healthy person. It was an amazing experience to be touched by God like that. Plus, it gave me some comfort as my struggle continued, for I finally knew it was all happening for a reason. It had purpose.
But the insight didn’t stop the struggle and pain I was in. Nor did it stop my deep anger toward God. I came to realize I was in a crisis of faith, trying to decide if I was going to continue following Christ or not. One part of me wanted to discard this whole Christian thing, and leave it all behind so I could do my own thing. Yet another part of me knew that would be a very foolish thing to do! It was then I had my second confrontation with God.
I decided to continue following Him, but wasn’t happy about it for I felt I had no other choice! Because of my still-held anger, through gritted teeth I found myself declaring, “I will serve You, but only because you’re bigger than I am!” Does that shock you? In a way it did me. On the surface it sounds foolishly brash. But in actuality I felt God had been waiting for me to be honest about my feelings all along, for he knew my heart and understood my suffering spirit, and took mercy on me. I could almost hear Him reassuring me with this familiar verse. “The fear of God is the beginning of wisdom.” Yes, I feared Him. But in a healthy way. That was key. I was then on my road to recovery… but not like I once was. I was becoming better!
It truly was the darkest, most lonely, frightening time in my life. But with God shining His light into the darkness for me, with His merciful help it also became a time of my greatest victory.
Several years later I did discover the reason He had to prune me back to seemingly nothing… but that’s another story. Just know we can indeed always trust Him.
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This is a true story. It is one I have never shared publicly before, but now hope it can be an encouragement to others.
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Here is an example:
My most memorable thing happened early on, in what felt like it was going to be an eternal pit of despair. I was hunched down on my knees by the side of my bed, sobbing inconsolably—which I was doing most of the time those days—as my heart ached with hopeless despair. My brain seemed all muddled with trying to understand why this was happening.
I had my answer through a vision. Almost as if I was watching a video clip, suddenly I was seeing what was left of a tree that had been cut down flush with the ground. Not even a short stump or twig was left. I somehow knew that tree was me. The scene then changed. Now I saw beautiful, healthy green leaves on stems several inches tall, sprouting up from around the edges of the leveled stump.
One afternoon, as I was huddled next to my bed, sobbing inconsolably, feeling abandoned and brain-addled, I suddenly had a vision that played like a video clip through my mind’s eye. A lifeless tree stump that was flush with the ground was, in an instant, changed. Along the edges of the stump sprouted stems that were several inches tall. Beautiful, healthy green leaves grew from the stems. I instinctively knew that tree represented me.
Thank you for your testimony, it was powerful, insightful, and inspirational, as it always is when someone speaks of their journey into the light, from despair.
God bless you abundantly~
It certainly inspired me.