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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 2 – Intermediate)
Topic: Sad (07/26/07)
There was a time I’d have to say
I just didn’t care to see the next day
I’d spend hours thinking of you.
Wonderin’ how we could be through.
I’d talk to your picture and ask it why.
Can’t you forgive me. Can’t we just try.

Dream filled nights of days passed and I yearned
Recollections of intimacy in my brain were burned
Moments of sleep I could feel my breath against your hair
Until I awaked to find the sheets tossed about and you not there
Everyday I find my feet find the floor
And each time I glance beside me hoping to see the face I adore

Goodbye beautiful. I want you to know
I understand why you had to go.
Some things can never be forgiven
No justifying, objectifying or half reason
I can only promise to carry the weight
Of losing true love after finding a soul mate.
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This article has been read 879 times
Member Comments
Member
Date
Janice Cartwright
08/02/07
Your poem has a lilting quality that grows with each reading.
Trevas Walker
08/02/07
Captures the topic well. The poem flows well, and the feelings in the poem are clearly stated.

There are a couple places in the poem where you could have used puncutation to gain emphasis.

Also the word "awaked" I would have replaced with "awoke"... but then language varies from one place to another and that may just be a difference for that reason.

Overal all great job. I did enjoy the poem.
Jan Ackerson
08/04/07
Wow, you've really exposed your soul here! Very moving.

Work on making your meter more consistent, to give your poem a smoother flow.

If this is true, and she's really your soul mate--go get her back!
Jeanette Oestermyer
08/05/07
A real interesting tale. Try to be more consistant with your line lengths, as well as the meter by counting syllables.
The story is truly a good read. God Bless,