The Official Writing Challenge
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I think perhaps you have worked hard to reproduce this vision in words, and you have manage it well. I became a little bogged in description midway, but I could feel the despair and the breath of fresh air truly was refreshing. You end with a wonderful image - good one!
I could feel the desperation. I think I even blinked when I read "the metal door slammed shut." Nice Job.
Your descriptions portrayed the effects of sin and they were very vivid. I appreciated the Hope in Christ you presented in the end. Good job.
I like the descriptions and how you varied your sentence structure. You also broke it up nicely:)
This was confusing at first - but that's okay because it shows the character's confusion. And it all came together nicely as I went along. Great analogy!
Well done. The title caught my eye and the story was worth it. I liked how you centered the words of God--that made it very clear Who was speaking.