The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
02/02/14
Many of us can identify with your main character in your story. You did an excellent job of describing her fear and anxiety.

I would encourage you to be more attentive to missing or misplaced commas and "ing" verb endings. Perhaps your second sentence might be: "Flo watched the sunlight that filtered through the starched, white hospital curtain and crept onto the bed."

In the sentence that begins with: "She prayed for the hundredth time..." it's not necessary to repeat who is speaking. "She pleaded" is unnecessary. You could write: She pleaded for the hundredth time...

"he said," rather than "he had said."

If you read your piece out loud, you can pick up any awkward or poorly worded sentences. For ex. "Or would she wake up into the glory of Jesus that brightens the heavenly kingdom of God."

Consider as a possibility: "Or would she awake to see the glory of Jesus that brightens God's heavenly kingdom."

Thank you for reminding us that no matter how dark the way may seem, God's light is ever present for the journey.
02/02/14
I would start this piece with "Flo watched the sunlight..." - that would be a more dramatic opening. Also, be careful of punctuation. For example, the sentence "Don't be afraid, baby, there is always a light at the end of the tunnel,"he had said as he, clasped her little hand in his. And then she had no fear.'
It might read better as: Clasping her little hand in his, he said, "Don't be afraid baby. There is always a light at the end of the tunnel." And then she had no fear.
Just a little play on the words.
02/02/14
I would start this piece with "Flo watched the sunlight..." - that would be a more dramatic opening. Also, be careful of punctuation. For example, the sentence "Don't be afraid, baby, there is always a light at the end of the tunnel,"he had said as he, clasped her little hand in his. And then she had no fear.'
It might read better as: Clasping her little hand in his, he said, "Don't be afraid baby. There is always a light at the end of the tunnel." And then she had no fear.
Just a little play on the words.
02/04/14
As a reader and a woman of faith, all I ever see is the
"story" and the meaning it projects. This story was believable, because everyone wonders these things before "undergoing" surgery, no matter how minor or how serious. And, so it held authenticity in its content, and I loved the message, that "God is our light and He is always in control."

Thank you.

God bless~