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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 2 – Intermediate)
Topic: Light at the End of the Tunnel (01/23/14)
too,"Lead Kindly Light.
Finally zither anxiously awaited day had arrived. Flo watched the sunlight, filtering through the starched white hospital curtains , creeping onto her bed. She had been prepped for the surgery and in a little while the nurse would come to wheel her into the O.R. The fear of the unknown was casting a dark shadow on her faith in God.
She thought about her handsome , loving husband, Ryan and her delightful little girl,Sammy. She prayed for the hundredth time, "Please dear God, don't take me from my family now. Grant me some more years to enjoy them, " she pleaded.
She thought about all the suffering and pain she had endured these past days. The darkness of despair and hopelessness of her disease reminded her of the time she had been in a tunnel with her father. "Don't be afraid, baby, there is always a light at the end of the tunnel,"he had said as he, clasped her little hand in his. And then she had no fear.
Today she felt alone and scared. What kind of a light would meet her at the end of this tunnel of pain? Would the surgery be a success and would she come back into the warm brightness of a her happy family? Or would she wake up into the glory of Jesus that brightens the heavenly kingdom of God ? Whatever it was,right now she needed that firm grip of her Heavenly Father, and His guiding light to lead her to travel through this tunnel.
There was a knock on the door and Ryan walked in. As he kissed her she could sense his worry and anxiety.
"God will not forsake us. He will answer our prayers and bring you safely through this surgery."
"Thank you, Ryan. I believe so, too," she smiled.
Just then the nurse came in.
"It is time, my dear," she said and proceeded to wheel her out.
The last thing Flo remembered as she sank into unconsciousness was the soft and silvery notes of that beloved hymn, "Lead kindly light amidst the encircling gloom, Lead thou me on."! Q
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Member Comments
Member
Date
Lillian Rhoades 
02/02/14
Many of us can identify with your main character in your story. You did an excellent job of describing her fear and anxiety.

I would encourage you to be more attentive to missing or misplaced commas and "ing" verb endings. Perhaps your second sentence might be: "Flo watched the sunlight that filtered through the starched, white hospital curtain and crept onto the bed."

In the sentence that begins with: "She prayed for the hundredth time..." it's not necessary to repeat who is speaking. "She pleaded" is unnecessary. You could write: She pleaded for the hundredth time...

"he said," rather than "he had said."

If you read your piece out loud, you can pick up any awkward or poorly worded sentences. For ex. "Or would she wake up into the glory of Jesus that brightens the heavenly kingdom of God."

Consider as a possibility: "Or would she awake to see the glory of Jesus that brightens God's heavenly kingdom."

Thank you for reminding us that no matter how dark the way may seem, God's light is ever present for the journey.
Toni Babcock 
02/02/14
I would start this piece with "Flo watched the sunlight..." - that would be a more dramatic opening. Also, be careful of punctuation. For example, the sentence "Don't be afraid, baby, there is always a light at the end of the tunnel,"he had said as he, clasped her little hand in his. And then she had no fear.'
It might read better as: Clasping her little hand in his, he said, "Don't be afraid baby. There is always a light at the end of the tunnel." And then she had no fear.
Just a little play on the words.
Toni Babcock 
02/02/14
I would start this piece with "Flo watched the sunlight..." - that would be a more dramatic opening. Also, be careful of punctuation. For example, the sentence "Don't be afraid, baby, there is always a light at the end of the tunnel,"he had said as he, clasped her little hand in his. And then she had no fear.'
It might read better as: Clasping her little hand in his, he said, "Don't be afraid baby. There is always a light at the end of the tunnel." And then she had no fear.
Just a little play on the words.
C D Swanson 
02/04/14
As a reader and a woman of faith, all I ever see is the
"story" and the meaning it projects. This story was believable, because everyone wonders these things before "undergoing" surgery, no matter how minor or how serious. And, so it held authenticity in its content, and I loved the message, that "God is our light and He is always in control."

Thank you.

God bless~