The Official Writing Challenge
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Great object lesson for a Children's Church. Nice job. :)
10/20/08
Yes! No wonder the Word says "a little child shall lead them" and "unless you become like a little child... and about the kingdom of heaven being made up of the childlike..." What a creative presentation!
I like this. It's true. Christmas and Easter are really about the same thing...God's love for us. Very Nice!
10/21/08
Since you asked for red ink, I'll oblige. First, I think you did very well with your sentimental story...you do have the creativity for it. And your dialogue is very good.

I momentarily didn't catch the time switch from the phone conversation to him being at her house. Maybe some "***" to indicate time has passed.

I agree with you on the ending. It needs something, but I don't know what. It seemed a bit odd that the MC would cry when she saw the cross...given her attitude to that point. And I had a hard time picturing this giant red cross leaning against the garage. I wasn't seeing how/where/when that happened.

But I really like the message, and the creativity. Maybe if you had more words to work with, the ending could fall together a bit differently. Great job with the topic. Keep up the writing, you are very good.
I really like this story, it has a very good message.

Sheri makes some good points. I don't think it was out of place to have the MC cry ... I just think it was a bit abrupt.

You were at 748 words and you crammed a lot into them. Perhaps if you saved some of the words (edited some more from the body of the story) to expand on the ending you might have made the smooth transition you were looking for.

I really enjoyed reading this. Great work.
Very interesting. I like the way you connected the fact that if Jesus hadn't died and rose again, there would be no reason to celebrate His birth.
Thank you.
Congrats on 3rd place.
10/23/08
Congratulations on your 3rd place, Lollie. You are a very good writer...and the fact that you ask for red ink indicates that you're really wanting to learn and grow. I look forward to reading more of your work.
10/24/08
Very clever weaving of the two major Christian festivals, and of Biblical truths (The cross) and human traditions (Christmas trees). When I first read of the Easter eggs and bunnies I mentally hung them as decorations on the Christmas tree, but you went somewhere much cleverer than that. Congratulations on your placement.
10/26/08
Congrats on the win, this is a great idea and well written.