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Topic: ZENITH (04/21/16)
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TITLE: BRIGHT STAR | Previous Challenge Entry
By Gloria Pierre Dean
04/27/16 -
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On the first part of our journey, the hot early evening air had quivered as if in anticipation of something momentous about to happen. Little dust eddies had spun and danced in excitement across the parched desert floor. Even the fronds of giant palms had involuntarily nodded and bowed their heads in worship.
We had been guided to Jerusalem by a bright star that had been moving mysteriously westward across the sky.
Here we asked for an audience with King Herod and enquired of him
"Where is he that is born King of the Jews? For we have seen his star in the east and are come to worship him" {Matthew 2:2-5}.
Herod was aghast. He gathered together the priests and teachers of the law who told him that the King had been prophesied to be born in Bethlehem.
We set out by foot at sunrise and followed the star to the town of Bethlehem traveling the last few miles in the dark on the backs of our camels. Here the glorious star now stopped directly above a small house in the town. Knowing we had reached our destination and laden with precious gifts we approached the front entrance.
But did we really understand that immediately below this crowning star lay the culmination of all history to this point? Or did we realize that just here we would find in incarnate innocence, the Creator of the universe?
We knocked timidly on the front door and waited to be let in.
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Well done...short but powerfully written.
Blessings~
I would just delete the phrase: On the first part of our journey and start with "The evening air".
Enquired should be inquired.
What does Herod was aghast look like? Try showing rather than telling here.
I would rewrite the one line something like this: After reaching our destination, we delicately unloaded our precious gifts of gold, myrrh, ...
Eliminate But in the last paragraph and tighten up the next sentence after it for more clarity.
This was well done and the suggestions are just that.
Note: I only say this because I kept getting coached on this myself. We do not put the story title in with the story's content. It took me a bit to get used to doing so. Here's hoping you have better, quicker results than I.