Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Telephone (07/17/08)
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TITLE: The Call (ii) | Previous Challenge Entry
By Sarah Fehr
07/22/08 -
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I sat on the couch trying to relax, but feeling more like a coiled spring ready to go off at any moment. The phone sat on the table next to me, a silent menace. Oh, it looked innocent enough glinting in the lamp light, but it had become my enemy. A bearer of bad tidings. Of course I didn’t know that for sure. That’s why I was so nervous. I tucked my jean-clad legs up under me, snuggled into a fluffy throw pillow and blanket despite my heavy sweater. I picked up my Bible that had been lying on the table beside the phone. I opened it randomly and stared at the letters, trying to focus. No, I hadn’t processed a word I read. I went back to the first sentence to try again. A minute later, I realized I was halfway down the page and still not taking in a single word. It was not unusual for me to be distracted by phone calls and to-do lists while reading the Word, but this was different. There was a much weightier matter on my mind than chatting or running errands. This matter was weightier. Yes, much weightier.
Frustrated that I was not able to concentrate on the One who could bring me peace, I threw off the blanket, slid into my slippers, and walked over to the window. I pulled the thin, silky drape to one side and looked out at the swirling snowflakes, very visible in the glow of the street light. It looked like a perfect world, one of those shake-up globes where all was right in the world. A light layer of snow was starting to collect on the side of the street, like a thin white icing. Normally I would have taken a moment to appreciate the glory of creation. However, this time I let the drape fall back into place, and moved stiffly back to my couch and the circle of lamp light that gave off the only illumination in the room.
Just then, a harsh, piercing ring reverberated in the dim room. I jumped, hands shaking as I reached out to clutch the phone tightly. I could feel the blood draining from my face, my stomach cramping, my heart beating madly, my breathing quickening.
“Hello?”
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You leave the reader wondering, which can be good, but not here. The reader needs a peek into the life of the one waiting for the call. Why will this phone call be so troubling? What makes this call different from other calls? The reader needs a bit more background. The clifthanger ending is great, but make the reader beg you for more.
Great job.
Your descriptions are great. Next time, take advantage of the 750 word count and give us a longer story...please?
Also, it helps the reader if you put an extra space between paragraphs.
Good writing. Keep it up.