Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Mother (as in maternal parent) (04/24/08)
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TITLE: Broken Yoke | Previous Challenge Entry
By Nana Bunch
04/27/08 -
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I felt no resentment or bitterness, but rather, indifference. I had forgiven her years ago, but I would not forget the actions and behaviors of the past. “…wise as serpents and harmless as doves”(i), tempered my thoughts and settled my soul into peace, as always.
The judgment of others had poked at the choice my two sisters, my brother, and I had made when the decision to walk away from her was fresh. “How can you be so cruel to your Mother?” “What has she done that you would treat her so badly?” “What kind of Christian are you anyway?” “Don’t you love her?” “You need to reconcile with her!” Our record of “crimes” seemed to stretch into infinity.
Those early days rendered plenty of guilty verdicts against myself, while struggling with scriptural mandates to withdraw from ungodly behavior(ii), and yet maintain a balanced relationship with God. It would be utterly futile to deny the love of God and the mind of Christ within me with this kind of blatant rebellion. Gently, my Father reminded me I had spent long painful hours seeking His face and His Word. He had forgiven me and led me purposefully. How good He is. My decision was rock solid.
An old saying suggests people will retain good memories of the past, as bad ones fade away. I accept I am abnormal is this regard – at least when it comes to Mother. I can only reflect on her with distaste. I am amazed at a very young age that I discerned we had not bonded into a loving mother/daughter relationship, and probably never would. The timeless fantasy that I was secretly adopted, stretched forwards from the age of ten until I saw a photo of Mother when she was 16 – a mirror image of me. Like a prized piece of crystal, the fantasy shattered, but I vowed in my heart I would never be like Mother, even if I resembled her.
Mother is a very religious person. Admired, well respected, and exceptionally generous in her church, she is always the first to bring a tray of goodies or a meal to the sick and needy. Outwardly, she is the epitome of a righteous woman(iii), while inwardly, she loves to be the center of attention, basking in accolades of glory and fame(iv).
My siblings and I knew too well, how self-obsessed she was. We existed in a surreal plain of deception, manipulation, and lies. Mother excelled in jealousy. It was clear she viewed us as competition to her husband, especially her only son. It was a mystery why she taunted my brother so cruelly until the day he died, with such debasement as, “It would have been better if you had never been born”, and leaving him stripped of hope. We believe he ended his own life, in part, because of her hatred towards him.
Slowly, into adulthood, the jealousy maimed each of us emotionally, furtively weaving tangles of doubts and embellished stories about each other and Dad. Craftily, she wove detailed accounts of perceived faults for each of us, hoping as we were told these “truths”, we would shun each other, and instead, lavish her with deserved love and attention. She forced us to lie to Dad, and instilled fear of him. It became all so clear, so ugly, and so undeniable after Dad’s death(v).
We wrote letters. We called her. We talked to her new husband. We approached Mother personally(vi). But our actions only allowed her the opportunity to deny the truth, drawing others into a new muddle of lies against us. Her performance was impeccable, convincing her husband with self-absolving tears, of our so-called cruelty, our unified insanity, and our hideous vendetta against her.
The years since we closed the door to Mother have been serene(vii). God’s grace and mercy are awesome. All three of us have loving, supportive families. He broke the yoke that held us captive. With love and compassion, He has set us free(viii).
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Scripture references (KJB)
(i) Matthew 10:16 Behold, I send you forth as sheep in the middle of wolves: be you therefore wise as serpents, and harmless as doves.
(ii) 1 Timothy 6:3 If any man teach otherwise, and consent not to wholesome words, even the words of our Lord Jesus Christ, and to the doctrine which is according to godliness; 4 He is proud, knowing nothing, but doting about questions and strifes of words, whereof comes envy, strife, railings, evil surmisings, 5 Perverse disputings of men of corrupt minds, and destitute of the truth, supposing that gain is godliness: from such withdraw yourself.
(iii) Proverbs 31:10 Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies. 11 The heart of her husband does safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil. 12 She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life. 20 She stretches out her hand to the poor; yes, she reaches forth her hands to the needy.
(iv) Matthew 6:1 Take heed that you do not your alms before men, to be seen of them: otherwise you have no reward of your Father which is in heaven. 2 Therefore when you do your alms, do not sound a trumpet before you, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and in the streets, that they may have glory of men. Truly I say to you, They have their reward. 3 But when you do alms, let not your left hand know what your right hand does: 4 That your alms may be in secret: and your Father which sees in secret himself shall reward you openly.
(v) Proverbs 14:1 Every wise woman builds her house: but the foolish plucks it down with her hands.
(vi) Matthew 5:23 Therefore if you bring your gift to the altar, and there remember that your brother has ought against you; 24 Leave there your gift before the altar, and go your way; first be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift.
(vii) Matthew 18:15 Moreover if your brother shall trespass against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone: if he shall hear you, you have gained your brother. 16 But if he will not hear you, then take with you one or two more, that in the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established. 17 And if he shall neglect to hear them, tell it to the church: but if he neglect to hear the church, let him be to you as an heathen man and a publican.
(viii) John 16:33 These things I have spoken to you, that in me you might have peace. In the world you shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world.
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This makes me think of Isaiah 49:15
"Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne? Though she may forget, I will not forget you!"
I hope you received even more healing as you wrote these words.
I must have taken courage to hit the submit button. So glad you did.
Blessings.
I like how you showed the progression of what needs to be done in such a situation and why. That is especially difficult when the person has outward trappings of religion, but is not truly a new creation. They love to throw Matt. 7:1 at us, readily identifying our flaws, while never acknowledging their own, much less apologize for anything. I have learned what I call unilateral forgiveness, which keeps bitterness from growing in my heart, but is not sufficient to sustain a healthy relationship.
Thank you for sharing so transparently.