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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Uncles/Aunts (04/17/08)
Uck Mok



“Momma, Dada, Momma, Dada,” wrenched him from the depths of sleep. Flipping the covers off, he staggered from his bed.

She was hysterical by the time he reached her. Picking her up, he struggled to arrange her against his shoulder, as she clutched her two dolls and teddy bear. He grimaced as one doll giggled, the mechanism triggered by the pressure.

“Stupid doll,” he cursed, yanking it from between them, and sending it sailing across the room, where it landed with a muffled giggle.

He dropped into the oversized rocker, pulling the comforter onto them both. Moonlight filtered through off-white sheers, providing a soft night light as he rocked in rhythm with the ticking clock, her sobbing slowly quieting.

I don’t think I can do this. It’s too hard.

He leaned back on the rocker, closing his eyes. The words of his sister’s letter came again, unbidden, into his weary mind.

There is so much I want to say, dear brother. We love you and both thank you for taking our baby girl. We know it will not be easy to raise Marie, but we know you love her, Mark.

Do you remember all those discussions we had about you being Marie’s guardian? It seemed incomprehensible to even talk about it. When you turned away from Christ, it made our decision incredibly difficult. Both of us are afraid for you, and her.

Your promise to raise Marie to know about Jesus is wonderful. But, Mark, you can’t pretend to be something you aren’t, or convey something you don’t believe. I know you are lonely and have made decisions because of that.

No one can force you to live for Christ, but even for Marie’s sake, please, return to Him. He knows all your hurts and loneliness. He knows how difficult it is going to be to raise her. He will guide you.

Jack and I are with the Lord now, Mark, and we want to see you both again someday. Please teach her well, that God loves her. Make sure she knows we loved her.

Love always, Jennifer and Jack

The tears started as a trickle and turned into a stream as they followed the track down his cheeks, his single dimple submerged in his anguish. He missed them as much as Marie did, and forced the accident and funeral from his mind.

His rocking slowed as Marie’s sobs subsided and she relaxed, asleep again.

How many more nights will she cry for them? he wondered as he placed her gently back into bed. Sleep refused him the rest of the night, the sky turning to a light grey when he finally fell into a fitful sleep.

He awoke with a start. Marie was standing beside the bed, staring at his face, her arms hugging her teddy bear. “Uck Mok,” she said reaching up to him. He smiled as he pulled her into bed, and her dimple finished him as she smiled back, and snuggled in.

Walking at eight months, she was so busy it seemed there was no time to talk. Mark was six feet, and she looked like a tiny doll walking beside him, holding his little finger. When she started talking, she called him, “Uck,” and now he was, “Uck Mok.” He loved it. It became a family joke whenever he phoned and she related some incoherent story to "Uck". He listened intently, and laughed, or said something that made her smile and nod, her single dimple identical to his when they both laughed.

“What are we going to do, Baby Doll?” he asked sadly, looking at her sweet face.

“Tos,” came with her questioning look.

“You want toast, do you?” and she smiled happily as he sat up and tossed her into the air. The giggles, that only a two year old can have, escaped her. Catching her, he carried her football style into the kitchen, and placed her in her chair.

He watched Marie as she ate the peanut butter laden toast, and drank her milk. Jennifer’s letter, their many conversations, and arguments, ran through his mind.

Jennifer is wrong. I can teach Marie about Jesus without living for him. I can just take her to Sunday school and church.

Picking up the newspaper, a headline and an editorial caption caught his eye. Family killed...You never know when it is your time…

“Momma, Dada?” Marie asked, her lip trembling, and as he scooped her up, the tears streamed down both their faces.
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This article has been read 968 times
Member Comments
Member
Date
Julie Paulsen
04/24/08
Your title was the first one to capture my attention, but the story drew me in to the end.

I felt the emotions of everyone, Momma, Daddy, Uck Mok and Marie...very good.
Carol Sprock
04/25/08
Yes, the title caught my eye first. I loved your use of such strong and concrete verbs. They painted such a clear, living picture. I was surprised by and then thoroughly enjoyed the dimple reflection detail.
Dee Yoder
04/25/08
Great writing in this story. I like that you didn't give us a "pat answer" ending and left his final decision up to the reader. The gibberish of the toddler is right on the mark, too.
Wanda Draus
04/26/08
This is writing that touches the very soul. I was drawn in right away. I felt the bothers fear, his sadness. I felt his love for this little sweetheart. I felt the sisters urgency and love for her brother and how much she loved her daughter to plan ahead. This to me is what writing is all about. To make us feel, to make us stop, to make us think and you did just that. Great writing.
Debbie Wistrom
04/28/08
Much talent here. Wow, what a powerful story. Your descriptions put me there with this aching pair. Can't wait to see how they grow.....
Pat Guy
04/29/08
One of my absolute favorites this week! Wow!
Willena Flewelling
04/29/08
You have the ability to draw your reader right in, and not only see what you see, but feel what you are trying to convey. I can also see possibilities for a much longer story here...

Marlene Austin
04/30/08
Powerful emotions in this story. Well controlled. Very nice job. :)
Jan Ackerson
04/30/08
Great title, it really makes the reader want to know more. And the story is very compelling, with two wonderfully written characters.

I had some problems in the first few paragraphs with the pronouns--couldn't figure out who was crying for a while. Using proper names to start off with would have helped with the confusion.

A few other questions: if her parents died in an accident, when did they have time to write that letter? And how old was the little girl? If she was less than 8 months (as it seems), she wouldn't remember them, would she?

All that aside, the MC's inner conflicts were very real and handled well, with just the right touch at the end.
Sara Harricharan
04/30/08
Loved your title! And especially the fact that one of your characters really was called "Uck Mok" Cute! I was a tad confused though, 8 months is a little...young to remember so much, isn't it? could just be me though, I liked this and I wanted to know if he'd ever decide for himself. Great job. ^_^
Dee Yoder
05/01/08
Congratulations on your winning entry!
Sara Harricharan
05/01/08
Congrats on your placing! (up to leve 2 now!) ^_^ Excellent job!
Nana Bunch
05/01/08
Congrats on your win :) Excellent piece. The story line kept me intrigued to the end, and I like it that you left it open - more realistic. Good use of descriptive words and shifting back and forth from grief and confusion to the small joys of the moment. I love a good story that makes you think, and this one was all that. Thanx! Great Job!
Tessy Fuller
05/01/08
A very nice heartfelt story...but I was also confused at how they could have wrote a letter, when it was an accident.
Congrats on placing 2nd!
Joshua Janoski
05/01/08
Wow. I'm so glad this placed 2nd, otherwise I might have missed this amazing entry from you. You nearly brought me to tears with this one. What a touching story with a bitter truth mixed in. We never know how much time we have, so let us live for God and teach the precious little ones to serve Christ.

I am glad to see you moving up to intermediate. You deserved your 2nd place win! :)
Myrna Noyes
05/01/08
Wonderful, well-written story that deserved its win!! You have a good combination of joy and sorrow in the story! I thought at first that the girl was 8 months old, but then noticed that she was two, which makes the dialogue and her remembrance of her parents believable. I also understand that the parents wrote the letter at the time they designated Jack as their daughter's guardian in case of just such an event as their accident. I, too, liked the open-ended conclusion! Well-done! :)
Sheri Gordon
05/01/08
Congratulations on your 2nd place.

I, too, was a little confused by the timeline. I assume the parents wrote the letter "just in case" something were to ever happen to them.

You did a nice job of getting the MC's conflicted emotions across.