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TITLE: look at me!!!!!! | Previous Challenge Entry
By
03/02/05
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look at me!on the outside im skinny,spotty,blue eyes,brown hair and i'm small .

but if you looked inside me you wil see what i'm really like you'd see a bones and a nice girl.

look at me!!on the outside i'm horrible my body is really small and my face is full of spots .

but if you could look inside me you'd see what i'm feeling you'd see how upset i am.

My family look at me and see a child with happiness and greatness what would they see if they just inside they'd find a frightened childthey would see how upset i am.

friends look at me and see someone who is joyful and happy they see nothing whhat would they think if they knew that inside i'm unhappy.

Teachers look at me and see a hardworking .They see nothing and never will see nothing .They don't even know inside i'm upset .
they can't even see that inside i am angry.

SO, when you look at me ,look further than usual,see more than normal .
look beyond the outside to the inside that i've hidden look beyond the outside look closer SEE ME !!!!!!

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Member Comments

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Date

Delores McCarter

03/07/05

Your title is very catchy and it did grab my attention. However, unfortunately, it wasn't the only thing that got my attention. There were several grammatical and typographical errors that detracted from your piece. Perhaps you submitted a draft by mistake...? Suggestion: have a friend look at a draft of your work for you. It does help. I do believe that your work has a lot of promise so please keep it up. I look forward to reading more work from you in the near future.

03/08/05

Yes, you did have errors, BUT this is still a great piece! You described very well what so many people go through. Work on those errors, but please know that you do indeed have talent and I believe that the Lord can and will use you to minister to others! Be blessed!

03/08/05

Hmm. I'm wondering if there was purpose to the unusual grammar - perhaps to indicate that this is the voice of a very vulnerable and unhappy child? This was an interesting and thought provoking piece. However I'm not sure its on target with the topic of favoritism. Keep writing though - in this piece you definitely had something of value to say.

03/10/05

Maybe the point here is "really look at me--find favor with me not because of what I project but because of who I really am". What I wanted to tell this main character was that she wanted others to see her from the inside but she was still too scared to give them a hint, always playing it safe and showing what they wanted. It was a haunting piece because it made you want to sit down and talk to this person. I thought the grammar was on purpose, sort of getting into her head, the way she thought and spoke. Strong emotions here and I can even see a companion piece on this, one that answers the other question, "why do you not show us how you feel?". Looking forward to reading more of your work.