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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Hope (05/04/06)
She was feeling very low. Lying on her back on the Kovalam beach Kiran thought “ there is nothing left for her in life.” She didn’t know what to do next and felt like ending her life. Blankly!, She stared over the sea. Its waves rolling over. Thoughts of negetivity paved one after another.

Suddenly, she heard a bird’s screeches and the thought process got a jolt. She turned around to see a Sparrow on the tree a little far away, staring towards a crow sitting on another. The sparrow was sitting on the trunk trying to run off the crow to save something perhaps eggs in the nest. The crow on the other hand, attacking the sparrow to make her fly off. He attcked once more, - a little vociferously. The sparrow saved her life – flew to the adacent tree, only to look helplessly towards the crow. The crow moved in the nest and came out with an egg in his beak and fly off. The sparrow returned to her nest saw other eggs lying there. She stretched fer wings to start working and give warmth to the remaining eggs. For, there was hope of more life to bloom. The life must continue.

Kiran got up from the beach and started moving towards her appartment on the other side. Inspired and relieved, she thought, there is always hope for a better tommorow.
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This article has been read 821 times
Member Comments
Member
Date
Helen Paynter
05/13/06
Nice story basis but it needs to be longer. What events have led to her despair? I'd have liked a little more internal consideration before she changes her mind.
Also take a look at your speech. Becasue you use direct speech (with quotation marks) in the 2nd sentence, you need to put inside exactly the words she says or thinks, eg 'There is nothing left for me in life' Definite promise in this writing.
Brandi Roberts
05/14/06
This is a good start. Watch your spelling and grammar. I agree with the last commenter about the 'thoughts'. Keep writing!
Jesus Puppy 
05/14/06
There is a good message in this piece, a little better in the phrasing abd it would shine masterfully. a few typos as well. Be sure to read over the text several time to see if it is how you wish it to sound.. If you like sent me an Email and I can show you what I find here. It is a good story and could work out well with a little editing.
Kristi Wood
05/16/06
Nice story. I'd like to encourage you to work on grammar and punctuation. Love the inspiration drawn from nature!
Val Clark
05/17/06
Your ability to describe the scene gives the reader a strong sense of place and what is happening around your character. We would like to know the character more and you can do this my showing, not telling: 'Thoughts of negativity paved one after another.' Is telling. with each thought she stabbed at the sand with her toe "I feel so useless. How could I... " Is showing. Showing connects the reader to the character.