The Light | Previous Challenge Entry

how it works

TITLE: The Light | Previous Challenge Entry
By Kristy Luciano
03/04/06
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The walls had been slowly closing in on my family for years. Even in my first memories I can see the walls moving in on my playroom forcing my toys to squeeze in closer together on their shelves. I don’t know that there had ever been a time that dad did not drink, or that mom and I had not covered for him. Sometimes I wonder how he had held it together before we were in his life. Dad was an insurance salesman, profitable, respected, and generally well liked by his colleagues. He didn’t have friends, he had colleagues. Colleagues kept their distance. He was on a few local boards, some even considered him a pillar of the community, and why not, around them he could stand on his own. It was his family that was required to hold him up, or at least that was what we told ourselves. At night he would drink and his daytime personality would quickly dissipate with the sunlight. Mom and I did our best to stay out of his way and protect ourselves from his words. When he finally passed out we leapt into action. Mom would iron his clothes for the next day, pack his lunch, and make excuses if someone happened to call for him. In the morning I would hear her coaxing him out of bed, helping him shower, even pouring an eye opener if it was needed to get him out the door. She cried a lot, but only at home. At the grocery store, church, and her reading club she was an actress playing the role of happy wife and mother.

I wholeheartedly participated in the charade. I made excuses for my father at school and never invited friends over. If there was a function where parental attendance was required my dad was conveniently on a business trip. Communicating with my friends was a little trickier, but I became an expert. Mom would have a headache or dad would have paperwork from the office to do at home. I could always find a reason to go out rather than invite others in. I even started inventing weekend outings that the family had gone on.

In reality I spent less and less time at home. I couldn’t breathe there, but it never once occurred to me to tell someone why. I loved and hated my father, but I couldn’t expose him like that. It was secrecy that held my family together and nothing terrified us more than the possibility that our lies might fall apart. Isolation was our savior and we clung to her as our only lover.

I wish I had known that allowing others to enter into our pain was our only true salvation. In my twenties life fell apart. I simply didn’t have the ability to hold it together anymore. The anger, fear, and confusion that I had locked away in the corner of my heart had started to slip out and were wreaking havoc in my life. Depressed, unemployed, and alone I started seeing a counselor. I began to allow her eyes to view the truths of my past. Her acceptance, insight, and perspective began to help me breathe again. I learned how to push against the walls crowding my soul and found the space to heal. Permitting one person passage into the darkest places of my life allowed God’s grace and healing to enter. Counseling taught me to lift up the shades, open the door, and turn my face towards the sun. Today my life shines brightly with a spouse and friends who know the truth about me, good and bad, for I have learned that without truth there is no light and isolation can only bring darkness.

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