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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: EERIE (07/28/16)
I felt the exhaustion mounting as I climbed aboard the rickety bus.
'About time', I thought. I’d already waited 40 minutes and five buses should have turned up by now.
Breathing a sigh of frustration, I scanned my bus card and glanced at the driver. He ignored me, scowling at the traffic ahead.
Turning, I made my way forward, spied a free seat and moved towards it as the door slammed shut. The bus jolted forward with a rumble of the engine. Quickly grabbing one of the hand rails, I manoeuvred myself into the seat, falling in a heap of bags.

It was cold outside, and I’d been looking forward to getting on a heated bus during my long wait. With a sharp pang of disappointment I realised there was no warmth inside this bus. The chill in the air permeated my clothes and I huddled forward, trying to warm up.

Shivering, I studied my neighbour across the aisle. The woman looked haggard. She stared forward with a pale face, unmoving – 'like the dead', I thought, and was immediately ashamed. She couldn’t help being old and tired.
I wondered what kind of day she’d had, as I furtively scrutinised the other passengers before me.

'Hang on, this is weird. Everyone seems to be in a trance.'
They all sat still, like empty shells, staring straight ahead. It didn’t even look like they were breathing. Shouldn’t they be staring at their phones or talking or something?
“That’s s-strange”, I whispered.

My skin prickled. I’d been ignoring a sensation on the back of my neck this whole time – like someone was staring at me. I itched to look around, to convince myself that I was imagining things. Feeling too embarrassed, I resisted the impulse. 'Stop being paranoid,' I scolded myself.

Looking out the frosted window, my eyes strained to make out a landmark in the street lights. I stared for a full minute, trying to temper my rising panic when we turned into a street not on the usual route.
‘Stop! It’s ok Katie. You got on the right bus, it’s just dark out. Maybe we’ve taken a detour because of road works.’
I held my breath as I waited anxiously to see something familiar. The bus lights flickered overhead, startling me. ‘Alright come on. Now my mind is going in directions it has no place going.’

I looked around again as the bus turned too quickly. Every person swayed to the side, their heads slowly turning to look at a neon sign as we passed. The eeriness of that one movement overshadowed my relief that they were actually alive.

Slowly breathing in the stale air, I pulled out my phone, needing to hear my sister’s voice. My fingers trembled as I dialed – my mind conjuring up horror stories filled with zombies and the apocalypse. Listening to the ringing, dread filled me when it cut out suddenly without going to voicemail. The lights flickered again.
‘Oh God – please help me.’

No longer able to stand the prickling from behind, I quickly glanced back. My eyes immediately fell upon an unshaven man. He leered at me and shifted forward in his seat. In full freak-out mode, I spun back around and reached out to press the buzzer – not caring where we were. I had to get off this strange bus.

Someone beat me to it, and the bus pulled over. I waited for a moment, hoping the man behind me would get off, and was surprised when all of the creepy people in front became more animated. Struggling out of their seats, they shuffled to the exit, ushered by a middle-aged woman I hadn’t noticed before. Distracted I looked out the window and just barely made out a sign.
‘Oh… A retirement village,’ I thought.
I watched their slow exodus, feeling foolish. Mum always said I had an overactive imagination.

Humbled, I asked Jesus to forgive me for judging these people on appearances. ‘They must have had a big day out’ I realised.

As the bus crawled away and entered a familiar street, heading towards my stop, I thought about the lesson I’d just learned, and prayed again.
‘Lord, please fill me with compassion for the man behind me – help me to show Him your kindness and love. Thank you for giving me a safe trip home.’
I paused.
‘Oh, and next time Lord? Please, help me not to jump to conclusions!’


**This is a work of fiction.**
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This article has been read 629 times
Member Comments
Member
Date
Pat Small
08/04/16
That was strange. Good imagination. I was getting scared myself. I think that must mean you did a great job.
Joy Bach 
08/05/16
This certainly sucked me in. I wasn't sure where you were going with it. But I read it to the end. Two comments. Be more careful about putting in white space. That makes it easier to read. And when you edit it, make sure you change up words you use a lot, such as "forward". Good job.
Larry Whittington
08/10/16
Life is filled with days with nights like these, relax and listen to your prayers.


very nicely done, with just the right eeriness to make the read interesting. Where will this ride take us.
Bonnie Bowden 
08/11/16
Congratulations, Hannah, on placing 1st place in the Beginners Category.

This story raised my curiosity about who these people on the bus were. I wasn't sure if it was Science Fiction or not. Well done.

I agree with another comment about double spacing between paragraphs.
Tracy Nunes 
08/13/16
I'm so glad this story came to my attention! Wow, I hope you keep writing. You set the scene so well, fully demonstrating the topic. And, a compelling message as well. This deserved it's first place ranking.
Sandra Wells
08/15/16
Great Job! You drew me in immediately. I found myself reading faster to discover where the bus was going and who its eerie occupants were. This was a great lesson for all of us. Well done.
Sandra Wells
08/15/16
I forgot to congratulate you on taking 1st place in the Beginners category. Great Job!
Bea Edwards 
08/27/16
Jumping to conclusions creates problems almost every time. Congratulations on this level win with your well written entry.