Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: South America (02/05/09)
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TITLE: Blessed, Not Stressed. | Previous Challenge Entry
By remi oyeyemi
02/09/09 -
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“I won’t say it”. I bite my lips in an effort to restrain the words threatening to rush out unbridled. This is not why I have come. I think of the adulation and gratitude that freely flows anytime I’m here. The praise and love. I’m trying to get into that now but it’s so hard. It’s in my head, yes, but not in my heart. “These are horrible thoughts I know; you’ve got to forgive me Lord.”
I try but all I can think of are bills, mortgage, tuition, expenses and more bills. This is my world and it’s crazy because I’m losing control.
My help quit about a week ago and I feel all burned out. She’ll no longer baby sit or clean up so I’m adding chores to my list of worries. I’ve been at it for a little over a week and I feel like pulling my hair out, screaming and giving it all up.
Leandro came home yesterday, shoulders drooping, he dragged his feet all the way from the door and I just knew the worst had happened. His company was downsizing and thanks to the global crisis or financial meltdown, credit crunch or credit squeeze, whatever they choose to call it, his job was a victim.
It’s ok. I’m fine, Lord. I won’t talk about it, I won’t lose it.
Now, Dad has got Alzheimer’s. I fight the tears because I love him so. He’s my mentor and confidant. The man who raised me, talked and laughed with me, watched me grow into the woman I’ve become doesn’t even know my name. Medical bills are accidents waiting to happen.
I think this is good time to laugh. Yes. That crazy wild, uncontrolled laughter that makes you burst into tears, keep sobbing and end up feeling horribly sorry for yourself. “I’m trying Lord, really trying.”
I can’t remember the last time I had any fun. I used to love to go to the Barra, the central beach in Salvador da Bahia. I’d walk barefoot on the sand, feeling it slide through my toes while holding my shoes (it’s not much fun when you don’t hold them) in one hand and the other entwined with Leandro’s. I love the view from the shore, made you imagine the water stretching on and on. I’d lie on the shore with Leandro watching the sunset. Those were the heydays. We’d talk about our love, plans for the future, a little family and how we’d love to travel the world as we watched the clouds chase each other lazily across the red Brazilian sky. The beach is still my favourite place to be quiet and at peace, the panoramic view always made me want to dive straight into the ocean and find its secrets. Of course I never did, not with Leandro reminding me I could catch my death, literarily of course.
Now, I sit and wonder what happened to our dreams, most of them at least. We have a cute little family and we still love each other to bits but being caught up in the hustle and bustle of the demands of daily life is damaging, even to a love like ours. I love this land. I love my country, its so South America. Real, true and alive
But I’m wondering why I haven’t found peace where I belong.
This is not why I’m here Lord. Not to whine and complain. Not to tell you how big and menacing my issues are, but to tell you how great and Awesome you are.
I sigh, as I remember your soft words of blessing, "I will never leave you nor forsake you." Then it’s all okay Lord, all okay. I can walk out of here with my shoulders square, ready to face the world.
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