TITLE: Note to self............. By David Conrad 07/25/07 |
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Note to Self…………….
(6/07)
While clamoring for the distant success of yesterday, today vanishes into history.
The lines spreading on the face; memories of the detours through squandered opportunity, lost loves, and the debilitating rehab that has resolved in the here and now, in this present stagnancy.
I’m in a fight for my very life now. This is it. This is the battle that determines my success or failure from here on out.
Opportunities now are fewer and fewer. What opportunities I have had were spent on the altar of my own gratification.
The demons that, six years ago, disappeared have returned. Not that I did anything to keep them at bay. I more likely, through my actions, deliberate or otherwise, all but rolled out the red carpet for them.
So now, at this late juncture, as I was fighting to make something of the remnant of my life, these demons have begun to drag me back into the hole from whence I had recovered. I can’t seem to find any fight within me to avoid their snares.
I rely less and less on Him who is responsible for my turn around those six years ago.
To this point, I have failed miserably, and continue to leave things unfinished and unresolved in my life; jumping from one perceived solution to another, my proverbial tires spinning in the mud of deception and a quagmire of excuses.
There must be commitment once and for all; forever and finally, without regret or reflection on a lost past. Now is the time—now!—now or roll over and suffocate in the stupidity of self pity and hate.
Strip bare this mortal form. Remove the outward appeal…or lack thereof. Take away the uniqueness of personality, the brilliance of deductive reasoning; all the trappings of the civilized mind. The soul that remains; the fire of this creation; that which defines man’s dominion over the rest of God’s creatures is his to give or take, to submit or squander.
Endless struggles that dot this life, though influenced by superficial and peripheral means, are ultimately answered by the placement of loyalty within one’s soul. With age, the refinement of this process, though often without thought, simply through reflex, the consequences of which have eternal ramifications, is central to survival.
Here amid a society less and less concerned, less and less choosing to be informed; apathy at its most sinister; the dumbing to death of what was once my most beloved on this earth. The hope of a planet dims, fades away; a willing participant in its own demise.
All that was—never more, all that will be—here, now scorned.
My question; where do I fit? Where am I plugged into this sequence? Have I been pushed adrift? I have a hope beyond this; one I must reestablish before I drift off the edge of my limited perception and into the bitterness of misunderstanding.
I’d just like a few more days of sunshine before I leave this earth; something that will give me back yesterday’s smile. I’m not asking for a time machine, I just want a period of normalcy; rest for my mind, my nerves, and yes…my soul, though I think it needs resuscitating.
My heart is broken and is now scarred. There are those things that not even a time machine could retrieve, and yet I long for a time now gone nonetheless. Have I done irreparable damage? Can I not get back what peace I laid down in foolish pursuit of temporary desires and evaporating pleasures?
Why must my feeble mortality doom me to this failure; this lack of stability and consistency? Where might I jump off of this runaway train? Why must my mind wander such paths?
Fools hold to these temporal bonds as the guide through this maze of ruin. I have hitched a ride a time or two and have consequently felt left behind to the point that I can’t even see those who were around me anymore. They have all moved onward and upward.
Still…here I sit, broken, nothing to offer but this battered, bruised core; my soul, as it is, I relinquish yet again—and forever.
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