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TITLE: Awaken to Sponge Reality By Joanie Butler 06/12/07 |
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We think they are not watching. We think that they won’t hear. We would be amazed, and probably even ashamed to realize, that almost everything we say and do is being absorbed by our children. Just recently that fact was driven home to me in a profound manner.
The first awakening to my sons “sponge reality” occurred rather innocently. The awakening occurred on an ordinary work-day. I had just gotten home from picking up my son from day care. When we walked into the house the message light on the phone was blinking. I pushed the play button and it was a message from my husband. Just by the tone in his voice I could tell he was irritated with me, but I was not sure why.
My husband was calling to ask if he should pick up some of the supplies for our bathroom remodeling project on his way home from out of town. I later learned, that the irritation I heard in my husband’s voice came from the fact that he knew that by the time I got home and got the message he would already be many miles past the building supply store, and I had turned my cell phone off, making me unavailable to be reached any earlier.
Upon completion of the message, I muttered, in an irritated tone, something to myself like “Why would he ask that? He knows that we planned to go to the store together tonight. He doesn’t even have the shopping list.”
Apparently our two and one-half year-old son was listening intently to the message and to the comment I made “to myself” that followed. Very innocently he looked up at me and said, “Daddy in trouble!” Obviously he had picked up on the irritated tone in my voice as well.
The second “awakening”, came just a few days after the first. Again, we were dealing with the stress of the “bathroom remodel” project. We were all in the building supply store for the second time and were trying to make decisions on what supplies to buy.
Allow me to pause briefly here. Remodeling projects are very stressful! I am sure that anyone who has ever tackled one will agree with this statement. This project was proving to be especially stressful as it was unplanned and came about due to a leak in our upstairs shower which caused a sagging ceiling in the dining room below.
My husband and I have realized that we don’t work well together on these projects. Because of this reality we have developed a system for dealing with remodeling projects which usually serves us well. We outline the project and divide up the work. I stay out of the work zone when he is working on his aspect of the project, and he stays out of the work zone when I am working on my portion. This system has but one flaw; the shopping! We have yet to figure out a system for getting the supplies bought that will ensue that the finished product is satisfactory to both of us. That brings me back to the building supply store.
So, back in the building supply store we are trying to make decisions on various items to purchase. Our stress level is high before we even walk in the door as we are attempting to shop on a budget that has reached its breaking point prior to trying to deal with this disaster. So our shopping spree goes something like this, comment made, counter comment and a little discussion. Idea given, idea rejected followed by a little louder discussion. Suggestion made about how the project should go, followed by even louder discussion and disagreement. All out breakdown of communication ensues, yelling and hurt feelings take place. At this point Dad feels unappreciated and disrespected to which he responds by storming off, deciding that Mom should just hire a contractor to do the work.
Again, our two and one-half year-old son is absorbing the whole display. When his Dad storms off he looks up at me and asks “Daddy gonna get a whoopin?”
How does one counter that? All I knew to say in response was “Daddy and Mommy are having a disagreement at the moment, but it will be okay.” All my son knew was that when he behaves in a disrespectful manner, serious consequences are sure to follow.
Thankfully after several minutes of separation and time to cool off we were able to resume the shopping and most of the items to get our project started were purchased. A little later we were both able to apologize and to restore harmony to our relationship.
Unfortunately not only did the poor behavior and exhibited lack of self control that my husband and I displayed impact negatively on our marriage relationship; but it negatively affected our son as well. For several days he became defiant, angry and displayed difficulty with impulse control. We all paid dearly for the lack of maturity in the handling of a difficult situation.
After this occurrence I had to ask myself, “How often does my child witness my bad behavior and lack of appropriate response to stress?” Am I as his parent modeling appropriate behavior and coping techniques? Obviously in the building supply store my husband and I did not model good behavior. Due to our poor choices we had to deal with the undesirable fall-out.
My prayer is that in the future I will display good judgment and model appropriate behavior in far greater quantity than I display negative qualities. My goal is to be open to learning from these painful experiences. I desire to better model the fruits of spiritual living such as: “love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness” [1], as exhibited by Jesus toward his children. I must not become weighed down under a mountain of guilt when I stumble and fall, for there is no perfect parent, except for the Lord.
As I move forward in raising my son I will strive to be more attentive to his “sponge reality” and attempt to ensure that I am only spilling things that are good, wholesome and life affirming into his reality for him to absorb.
Footnote [1] - taken from Galatians 5:22, NIV
© 2007 J. Butler
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