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TITLE: When I Let Go By Karen DeBoe 05/30/07 |
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I wanted so much to belong, to fit in. As I did in Middle School, so I did now.
Those same feelings of rejection and isolation surged up, but I tried not to let it
show.
I was living with two roommates, Melissa* and Shannon.* As is often the case
when three roommates live together, it seems three can be a crowd- and I often
found myself the third wheel.
Melissa tried hard to include me, but it became more and more obvious that
Shannon favored Melissa’s friendship over my own. I tried to change that, but
seemingly to no avail. If Shannon had a favorite show to watch, I’d offer to watch it
with her. If Shannon was going to a tennis match, I’d be there to cheer her on. If
Shannon was sick with a cold, I’d offer to get her chicken noodle soup (vegetarian
though I was), to get her to feeling better. But despite all my attempts, it seemed to
add up to nothing in the grand scheme of it all.
To make it worse, Melissa, who had been witnessing all my attempts and feeling
bad for me, also felt somewhat in the middle of it, wanting to be with both of us, yet
knowing it wasn’t always possible. My work shift didn’t always permit me to be
home when they were, hence sometimes they would go out during the day to the
mall, to grab a bite to eat, and I would come home, feeling left out, and feeling like I
would look foolish if I let anyone know it. After all, what could one say- I can’t
believe you went to Taco Bell without me?
Perhaps I should clarify this a little more before continuing. Prior to rooming
together, Shannon and Melissa and I were pretty close. I met Shannon first, and
later introduced her to Melissa. As the three of us
Continued our friendship, we later decided upon being roommates.
At first, I was glad my two friends were getting so close. But the more I saw their
closeness, the more I felt distanced from it, from this almost family like bond they
shared.
So on I continued, wearing this protective shell around me, trying to be careful to
let no one see how hurt I was. I even tried to hide the pain from myself, sometimes
not facing the deep emotions that were hidden within.
One particular day stands out in my mind. I came home from work, and Melissa
and Shannon were in the next room, and hadn’t heard me come in. I heard Melissa
saying something like, ”why don’t you just give her a chance”, and then Shannon’s
reply of, “I just don’t like her.”
I don’t know exactly how to describe what I felt at that moment, but I guess one
can imagine it wasn’t a good feeling. I quietly opened the door again, then shut it
loudly, and with a smile went to the back room to let my presence known.
Not long after that though I began to change. To give up, in a sense. After that I
slowed from trying so hard to win Shannon’s friendship-to reason over how I even
lost in the first place.
Escaping to the park one day, I cried out to the Lord. I told Him what I was
feeling, told Him the deep pain I was in. And realized I couldn’t change someone
else, couldn’t make them love me. Again and again I found myself escaping to little
places )my car, parks etc), and just giving over all those hurt feelings to the Lord. I
remember telling the Lord I didn’t want to hurt like this anymore.
I let go, and let God.
That’s when things started to change.
I became more honest with myself, with people, as I didn’t try to hide so hard to
put on a mask before others. Continually giving my burdens to the Lord gave me a
strength I hadn’t expected. I wasn’t focused so much anymore on Shannon as I was
on simply doing the tasks before me, and focusing on God. As I did so, it seemed for
some reason Shannon began to focus more on me. Coming to me more, approaching
me first, asking for my help in small things-I began to notice a change in our
relationship.
I remember one day, when Shannon and I were alone, that she brought up to me
how sorry she was for the way our friendship had gone. I told her I was sorry too. I
remember that she didn’t say anything for a few moments, then, with tears in her
eyes, reached our her arms to me and gave me a hug. Later that night, after Melissa
came home from a friends house, Shannon, who had not been baptized by
immersion before, told us that she wanted to be baptized.
I could bring up numerous other accounts of similar events, testifying to the sweet
moments of reconciliation that began to take place, but I think you probably get the
point.
There were times, as I went through these internal conflicts, that I wondered if I
ever made God feel the same way I felt, wondered if He ever simply wanted to be my
friend, and yet I would choose other things or people instead of Him. I wondered if
it hurt Him, those times when I would come home and find my roommates gone,
that rather than be thankful to have quiet time to be with Him in prayer, I’d instead
reflect over hurt feelings.
I’m not sure still of that….
But I think what I do know is this: that things change, hurts heal, and love
blossoms, when you let go, and let God.
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