By Dean Herring
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A: (Greeting) Doctor.
A What’ve we got today then?
A (pause) That’s taking it out isn’t it?!
B (surprised) Yes…I havn’t seen you around here before, have I? You are a doctor?
A Yes…well studying…I’m doing a doctorate.
A mmm Animal Behavior…my thesis is on Elephant behavior in captivity.
B (long pause) This is St Johns Hospital…St. James Zoo is next door!
A I know,, that’s where I’m studying.
A It’s all right…I’m on my lunch break, they won’t mind.
B They might not but what about our patients, they might mind!
A I don’t see why they should! Not with all these waiting lists these days…You guys need a hand.
B (long pause) Do you know where the appendix is?
A Ummm down here somewhere? (points to wrong side)
B (Moves finger to correct side) Close enough. O.K. lets do it!
(Move to operating table, backs to audience)
B Scalpel..A passes scalpel…O.K. we cut here…
A Ooohhh Blood, I don’t like blood!
B Put your finger here!
B Right there we are…One appendix.
A Small isn’t it!
B Compared to an elephants!..Right let’s get it out then.
A Are you sure?
B Of course!
A How many has he got?
B How many what
A Appendixes, appendices, thingy bits!
B Just one thingy bit!
A Don’t take it out then…He obviously needs it!
B What do you want me to do bandage it!?
A Good idea…Bandage (B hands him a bandage)
Suction…Wipe…(B wipes A’s forehead)…sewing kit…Right nice work, thankyou…let’s clean up and get out of here!
(They turn back to face audience)
A Well I’m fairly happy with that…Should we have used some amnesiac tho’?
B Anaesthetic you mean, yeah we should have used (realisation hits) anaesthetic Oh No! what have we done?!!
A I saw his eyes get quite big at one point.
B You idiot! You didn’t give him anaesthetic...and you bandaged his appendix!! There’s going to be a review of this for sure!…We’re in so much trouble! You’re in so much trouble…You’ll have to explain all this to the medical ethics panel
A No, I’m not a public speaker! I can’t, I can’t get up and talk to people like that!
B Why not?
A I’m not qualified!
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