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TITLE: Dark Voice By James Koppen 04/26/06 |
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Dark Voice
I am amazed, even perplexed, about how easily I am manipulated by the enemy. I can almost hear you wincing as you read that last sentence.
“Another Charismatic seeing darkness behind every rock and tree!”
I don’t! That may be part of the problem. I just spent three days in “justified arrogance”. I am not an idiot, but I certainly have been reduced to one the past seventy-two hours. I, of course, cannot put my finger on when all of this began…but it was well over a month ago. I really don’t even know how it began, but something inside my head began to tell me some subtle negatives about my wife. We have been married for thirty-seven years, so I must say this was not the first time. In fact there have been many times that I have succumbed to this garbage. Each time I have hurt my wife deeply, and spent time pretty miserable myself. (One would think I would learn.)
I want to explain some things to you:
1) I have been really working to build a relationship with God. I read “Secrets of the Vine”, and finished the workbook of “Experiencing God”. I have devoured “Wild at Heart” and finished the field manual. I am almost done with “Waking the Dead” workbook. These works bring growth and expand my understanding of the spiritual life.
2) I am not living in “Legalism”. I really love the relationship I am building. It has changed my life, and it is only beginning. So this isn’t about my asking what to do. I am well aware of “what to do”. The real question is “Why don’t I do it?” (Sounds a lot like Paul in Romans doesn’t it?) However, I am not Paul. I am just a guy that is serious about finding out if there is more to this relationship than Sundays and Wednesday nights.
Anyway, I regress!
I think it all began when I believed the voice in my head to be my own. It said things like, “Don’t you really think she has spent enough money on fake nails?” This seemed rather insightful, so I guess I nodded in agreement, probably unwittingly. Then it was “She doesn’t seem to care about that 18 Volt DeWalt screwgun you need.”
Gosh, I never really realized how selfish she had become. So I nodded again.
This sort of thing went on for well over a month.
By last Sunday night, I was convinced I had married the wrong woman. She was the most self-centered, lazy, loveless, conniving, grasping, greedy, secular, sinful, heartless witch I have ever known. In fact, I could not remember what I ever saw in her. I finally confronted her when she refused to help me put some items on EBay. Actually I had not asked her to help, I was simply furious because my “amazing insight” enlightened me to her lack of interest in my needs. It was nasty! I said things to her that were horrible. I refused to explain anything and demanded she do as I say. The entire time, I was without remorse. I felt completely justified and was certain (without doubt) I was right. This was something that simply must be done to teach her a lesson. If this is not bad enough, I continued until there was no hope for compromise, finally, I did not speak to her for over forty-eight hours (not a word). I went to work, came home, went out to the shop, and ate at the restaurant…without any form of concern. I know right from wrong, (normally), and since we have now worked all this out, it seems so obvious. However, Sunday night, Monday, Tuesday and almost all of Wednesday, I would not consider the possibility. What a jerk!
This is something called my flesh, or human nature, or sinful nature…and it is not me. It lives inside of me, but it is not me. I have, for most of my life, equated it with me, but it is not me. This darkness within is a traitor, and a manipulator. He will sell me down the river faster than I can blink. If I am moving toward the Light, I become even more of a target. He is so strong...when he is fed. I challenge anyone to overcome him without the power of Light…impossible. When I fall, and I will fall, he degrades me with the same voice he tempted me. He tells me my entire Christian walk is a farce. He paints my existence with guilt and shame…and, amazingly, I do not fight. I accept it because I think it’s me. I think “Someday, I will get better.” But...I already am better! I’m just being attacked by an enemy I agreed with, and invited in.
Jesus told us to “put this to death!” Good luck, Self doesn’t die easily.
You are asking, “If you know all this, why were you such a jerk?”
That is the exact question I have.
Part of it is because I am not “taking every thought captive”. Remember that verse in the Bible. That is what I will need to take to have victory, but…
This is a lot of work. This takes focus and passion. This is easy to forget.
Secondly, this takes recognizing the voice.
I asked myself how I could be so stupid, but again that is the wrong question. The question is. “When will I use God’s power against this voice?” and “When will I wake up?” Satan understands my potential far better than I do…why do you think he bothers with all these attacks?
I know I am probably the only person who is struggling with all this, but just thought I’d share it anyway.
Finally…
If we ever realize our power, buckle up!
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