Healing

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As I was praying Saturday morning, I just felt so thankful to God for so many things. One of the areas of my life that I am particularly thankful for is the realization that I love the person God created me to be. Not that I love everything about myself; there are still so many things that I want to see changed in my life. But I am much more comfortable with the basic nature of who I am than I used to be.

I remember growing up, wanting to be like “everyone else.” I wanted to fit in so badly. I remember my mom comparing me to my brother and sister, and it usually was not complimentary towards me. My sister was (and is) beautiful, graceful, talented, and confident, and my brother was into sports, very “easy going,” and confident as well. They seemed to draw people to themselves.

On the other hand, I was more introverted, and I took things that people said very hard. Although I know now that I was loved and appreciated, I often felt left out and nearly invisible at the time. Because of these feelings, I withdrew even more, feeling that there was something wrong with me, and I went through some very difficult and lonely times. I honestly felt as though I were on the outside of some wonderful society, but could never quite be accepted.

This sense of being unacceptable, led to some very bad choices as I grew into an adult. I married a Muslim man, whom I knew did not love me, because I was afraid that it would be my only chance, and I was so terrified of being alone. I tended to hide and avoid any potentially difficult situations because rejection would be too hard to face. And I tried hard to force my marriage into something it could never be.

After going through some very difficult times, which included my divorce, God began to help me understand the difference I sensed in my life. He explained it in such a way that I could understand how this difference is the very thing that makes me who I am (exactly who He created me to be), and I realized that I love being that person. Although I may not be popular and outgoing, as I looked at my circle of friends, I recognized how near and dear to me each one was and is. I also began to recognized that I NEED time alone to read and write and study, time to dig deeper into ideas and thoughts. Now I LOVE my alone time, and I sometimes have to push myself out of my room to spend time with my family.

The idea that being different means being unacceptable is such a lie from the pit. Every one of us is uniquely and wonderfully made by our Creator to be exactly the one He wants us to be. And, when we are able to let go of the comparisons and the fears, we will find out that the person He created us to be is a glorious gift to the world and to ourselves. I am so thankful to God for who He created me to be, and even more thankful that He helped me to see my life from a different perspective.

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