Faith

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I could tell that I was slipping. I could tell it in the pit of my stomach, the depth of my heart, and the center of my soul. That little voice kept talking to me but I ignored it. The little voice was always there but I tuned it out.

No, I didn't commit some big sin like murder, adultery, or any such thing. It was the smaller things. The lack of time for God. The lack of time for quality things. I've been selfish. Not my usual self. What would it hurt to dawdle a little longer? Let the kids watch a little more t.v.? Shop for myself every chance I got? So what if my thoughts have been on shallow things lately. A little more materialism, a little more worldliness. Is flirting wrong? Can thinking only of myself really be a crime? Can having the wrong attitude really hurt anyone?

I've been good for too long. Besides, everyone else does this on a daily basis for a lifetime! Their sins are worse than mine. Look at how they look after Numero Uno. See how they stab one another. I'm not that bad. I haven't hurt anyone. I've just let my Godly beliefs slide a little. It's all in MY mind, my soul. I haven't let it out and it hasn't affected anyone.

Or has it? I always know that when I get this attitude, where let my faith slide and begin to stumble a little, that issues are going to surmount. I know this but I tell myself that it won't happen to me. Funny thing is I opened my Bible for the first time in weeks, landed on some page, and started reading. Max Lucado speaks to me loud and clear about the verse I had just read: "Don't kid yourself...." Have I been kidding myself? Really, have I been kidding myself?

Okay, I've been kidding myself! Stumbling in my faith not only affects me but everyone else too! Yesterday I had the first issue that I had in a long time. How stressful! How draining, mentally and physically. I hated it and it still runs through my mind over and over. It is true how when you are not on guard, Satan comes in and uses other people and situations to attack and destroy you. That's what happened to me yesterday.

I looked at my children, sound asleep. I've been here physically but where have I been mentally? My husband, poor guy. He's been wondering what has happened to the women he knew. He's been working like I dog trying to keep me happy and yet all his attempts have been in vain for I have been in vain.

Acting upon the little voice inside me, I picked up my dusty Bible. Once again, I just read what appeared when I stopped flipping pages. Amazingly, I read six words that brought me back to reality, "He who stumbles in his faith..." Wow! Can the Bible really be speaking to me right where I am about the very situation I've been dealing with? I combined the two messages from the other day's reading and yesterday's reading and, yes, I have been kidding myself and I have been stumbling in my faith.

I saw it coming and I allowed it. I close my eyes and say a prayer of thanks as He lifted me up for I had stumbled in my faith.

Copyright 2004 Lena Hunt Mabra.

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