Testimonies

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Suicide Is Not The Answer

There are many people who consider suicide, and they think it is a way out of a painful life. If you ever consider suicide, whether you are young or old, I believe you were meant to find your way here. I know how you feel because I have been there at the very brink, and if it wasn't for the grace and mercy of God I would not be here today. God has put a burden in my heart to tell my testimony and what He did for me. I believe it will give you hope, where right now there is none. You will have a reason not to do it and I give God all the glory. This is not about me, it's about God, and how much He loves us. I am nobody special, but I was important enough to Him, that He would not allow me to carry out my plans.
I began thinking about suicide when I was around 13 or 14. I was painfully shy, had no self-esteem, and was a very lonely child. I was mentally and emotionally abused. My mother came to me when I was 16, and asked me if I wanted to go back to school or get a job, and pay rent for my room. I chose to get a job because I hated school and my mother knew it. When I was 17 I was kicked out of the house so my stepfather could move back in. They had been separated for a while, and I seemed to be a big problem to them. I thought more and more about suicide because life to me was painful. Thinking about it actually brought me comfort, because that was my way out if things ever got too painful and I didn't want to go on. I attempted it a couple of times, one by way of taking as many aspirin as I could get down. I just made myself sick. The next time I bought an over the counter sleep aid and took the whole bottle. Again I just got very sick, and my vision was very blurred the next morning. I eventually found the only way to deal with my shyness was by drinking and eventually doing drugs. I could 'fit in' then, it was the only way.
I didn't know anything about Jesus and what He had done for us, since there were no Christians in my family. My mother believed that when you died, that was the end of it and you ceased to exist. But for some reason I wanted to know if there was a God. My mom had no patience with it. After I left home and got involved with alcohol and drugs, if someone gave me one those little tracts about asking Jesus into your heart, when I went home I would take it out and get on my knees and pray the little prayer they have in them. But nothing happened, I don't know what I expected, but I felt my prayer didn't take, or that God didn't hear me. So, I just kept on living the same way I had been.
Then there came a day when I could take no more. I had no place to live, but on the street, and nobody to go to for help. I had broken up with someone I thought I loved, and my heart was literally aching. I decided I was going to take my own life because the pain of this world became too much for me. I was about 26 at that time. That's when God took over and began to lead me, even though I didn't realize it at that moment.
As I was shuffling through my handbag for something, I came across a little scrap of paper with a lady's name on it and her phone number. It also said if I ever needed help or a place to stay to call her. I did not have any idea who she was, or how that slip of paper ended up in my purse since I had never seen it before. I called the number and a lady answered and seemed to know who I was. She told me she would be out for the evening but she would leave the door unlocked and to let myself in. I found the apartment and went in, and there I was, all alone. My mind was still focused on suicide, and the three main ways I had set my mind on to do it with. I was very upset and crying and I believe I was probably having a breakdown. All I wanted to do was die.
I went into the kitchen first to look for a knife. I would slit my wrists. When I went in, I was shocked to see that there was hardly anything in there. There was not even one single knife in there for me to use, and I was in disbelief. It didn't look lived in even though the rest of the apartment did. Then I really got angry because my mind had been so focused on finding a knife. So I thought to myself "Okay, I'll look for a razor blade." There were no razor blades and I had looked everywhere to find one.
The next thing I looked for were drugs, any kind, prescription or anything I could find. I looked everywhere and I didn't find anything, not even an aspirin. Then I really broke down again and cried out to God. I didn't know if He was real, but if He was, I was really angry at Him. I continued to cry out to God, asking why He was so silent? Why didn't He help me? Why didn't He let me know if He was real or not? If He was, I needed Him. I was in a complete breakdown now. Suddenly I had a vision, in my minds eye, that's the only way I know to explain it. In it, I saw a very long, pitch black tunnel, and at the very end of it, so very far down, I saw flames of fire. Immediately I knew what it was. It was hell. If I had been successful in my suicide, which I had wanted so bad, that's where I would have gone. Finally I knew there was a God and that He was real and had been with me all along. I believe there is probably a spirit of suicide, and that it had been with me all of my life, constantly pushing me to do it, making it sound like the perfect solution to leave this world and feel no more pain.
Immediately after this happened, God delivered me from my suicidal tendencies completely, and He put His peace in my heart. A peace I had never felt before. I have never considered suicide again, and I am now 58 years old. I give praise and glory to God for all He did for me. I am nobody, but God found me worth saving. If He did it for me, He will certainly do it for you. We are all precious to God.
After this was all over, the lady and a gentleman friend came home. I still did not know them, didn't recognize them at all, although they did know me. I will never know who they were, but I have always wondered..

Sandra Undal Simpson
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