Grief

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I find myself at a frustrating point in my life. The career that I choose for myself vanished in a moments notice. I was laid off earlier in the month. For the past year I have been contemplating changing professions, that new profession being ministry. Problem with that is it takes a long time to become a minister. So, now I am stuck with trying to figure out what God is doing (good luck) and having to live what I have preached, walk by faith. I have to rely on the power of God to overcome this. I know that he will. However, this is more difficult than I imagined. I am trying to find the lessons in this situation, human nature is to say that I did something wrong or that along the way something happened to create this moment in my life. Therefore, I am sitting in a place that I know well and that knows me well, to see if here, I can find an answer from my past.

Not much has changed since my days at this old ballpark. A new concession stand and new bases, but other than that it is the same. This is not where I found God although as a kid, this mattered more to me. See, by coming here I am trying to remember times when God was speaking to me but I was more worried about the count, than His voice. Perhaps, God was telling me twelve years ago that no matter how hard I try, His will for me is stronger when I was up for the all star team but never made it at this park. Or maybe God was telling me that happiness and love cannot be purchased when I would spend all my money on Fun Dip and Big League Chew for a girl that never showed interest back. For a fact, God was showing me how to be humble and apologetic in time of turmoil when I spent all week telling everyone that there was no way a girl could strike me out, underhanded. Only to have that girl blow three strikes by me, one of which I never saw leave her hand. On the other hand, maybe there is nothing to learn from these past memories, maybe they are just character builders, not life lessons.

You see, no matter how long, or how often, we look back on what we did in the past, God does not care. Jesus tells us that, “By faith son, your sins are forgiven.” (Mark 2:5). So whatever I did or did not learn here in this park doesn’t matter anymore. I have asked for forgiveness and have been given that. What matters now is that I show the world I can make it on faith in Christ. What God wants from me now, is my strength in Him, so that others can see I do not rely on worldly means; my trust, hope, and courage rest in His hands.

Lord, I believe. I know that I have not been as faithful as You would want me to be but I ask your forgiveness and help. I pray that you give me the strength and knowledge that this journey requires. Lord, keep my head from the past and let me rest on the fact that the future is in Your hands, not mine. That because of my repentance and Your grace, what matters is the now, is not the past.

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