Bible Studies

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See to it
that no one makes
a prey of you
by philosophy
and empty deceit...
and not
according to Christ.
[Colossians 2:8]
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"Thanks for makin'
my kitty..
POOP,
Lord!
I was really
gettin' WORRIED!"

[SOLEMN NOD.]
[SMILE!]

(Smile up at ceiling.)
(Give a thumbs-up sign.)
(Sip some Walmart rootbeer.)
"Hey...I'm goin' to my
ladies' Bible study,
tonight."

[NOD.]
[LOVING GAZE.]

"Yeah; what really
gets to me, at those
Christian Bible studies,
is the way they make
you flip back and FORTH!"
(Make a face.)
"Flip...BACK n' forth....
BACK n' FORTH."

[CHUCKLE.]

(Roll eyes.)
"BACK and FORTH!"
(Grimmace.)
"They never made me
do that, in SYNAGOGUE!"

"I understand,
My precious."
[CALM NOD.]
[GAZE AT ONE OF
THE WORLD ECONOMIC
CONFERENCES GOING ON.]

"Uh, UH!
In fact, they always
gave me a PAMPHLET....
tellin' me EXACTLY
what they were gonna
be READIN', every
minute of the HOUR!"

[PATIENT NOD.]
[SMILE.]

"WHY IS that?"
(Peer up at ceiling.)
"Is that cuz, the JEWS
are all STUPID?"

[CHUCKLE.]
"No,
Mein kinder."

"WHAT, then?
How come the
CHRISTIANS DO that?"
(Kvetchy frown!)
"I can never KEEP UP,
with THEM!"
(Cranky snort.)
"By the time......
I've figured
out where.....'JOEL' is,
they're already flippin'
back ta' HEBREWS!"

[SYMPATHETIC NOD.]
[SMILE.]

(Whiny, nasally voice.)
"First, it's COLASSIONS...
then, it's the PHILLIPIANS..
then, it's MATTHEW...
then, it's THESSALONIANS...
then, it's back to GENESIS...
then, it's........!"

"Child?"

"Yeah?
WHAT?"

[PATIENT VOICE.]
"Spelling."

"HUH?"
(Clueless squint.)
"Oh.
Yeah."
(Squint down at Bible.)
(Shrug.)
"Yeah, whatever."

[RUMBLE OFF IN THE
DISTANCE, PROBABLY
FROM MOUNT SINAI.]
"No;
not, WHATEVER."

(Sarcastic shrug.)
"What's that gotta
do with all MY problems...
ANYWAY?"
(Squint up at ceiling.)
"So what, if I spelled
'COLOSSIANS', RIGHT?
HOW is THAT gonna help
my OTHER KITTY?
The one who's losin'
her FUR?"

[PATIENT SIGH.]
[LOOK AT ANOTHER
MEETING GOING ON,
IN THE WHITE HOUSE.]

"How's that gonna
help HER?"

[FIRM VOICE.]
"Child......"

"Who WERE all these
people, ANYWAY?
Why didn't You just
put some NAMES,
in THERE,
that I could.......
RELATE to?"

"Oy."

(Whiny screech.)
"That's what I SAY!"

[PATIENT SILENCE.]
[LISTEN TO THE QUIET
PRAYER, OF A SWEET-
MANNERED LADY,
ON THE OTHER SIDE
OF EARTH.]
[MOMENT OF RESTFUL
RELIEF.]
[GAZE BACK AT CRANKY,
WHINY, KVETCHY
CHILD, IN SAN ANTONIO,
TEXAS.]

(Sip some more rootbeer.)
"These THESSALONIANS:
was that like,
sayin', you
were from Scranton...
PENNSYLVANIA?"

[PATIENT SILENCE.]

"So....you were,
like,
a PENNSYLVANIAN?
Or...
a SCRANTONIAN?"

[PATIENT NODDING.]
[GAZE AT THE RINGS OF SATURN.]
"Something like that,
Mein kinder."

(Mumbling.)
(Flipping onion-skin
pages around.)
(Squint.)
"Hey, LORD?"

"Yes,
My beloved?"

"Ya know, everytime
they say 'JOEL',
in those STUDIES:
I think of BILLY JOEL!"

[PATIENT NOD.]

"I can't HELP IT!
It just comes to MIND!"

[NOD.]
[PATIENT PAUSE.]
"At least
something does,
My beloved.
At least,
something does."
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I will
restore to you
the years
which the swarming locust
has eaten.
[Joel 2:25]

_________________________
Author's note:
the answer to Ques. 1,
on the Just-Arrived-to-Heaven
test is:
Pishon
Gihon
Tigris
and
Euphrates.
____________

The author is a
native of
Philadelphia,
Pennsylvania.

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