Humor

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How Papa cured a Drunk

Everyone knew that White Lightening was being brewed in the Shug Branch swamp but no one would admit it or try to do anything about. Caesar was a quiet, slow moving community that avoided controversy like I avoided Yellow Jacket nest. However, there comes a time when steps have to be taken to get rid of a problem, even in Caesar, MS., my home town.

One of the local men in the community, lets call him George to avoid any embarrassment to his kin folk who still live there, was the only person in the community who knew where the moonshine still was located. He visited it regularly every Saturday to get a quart of the White Lightening to use for "medicinal purposes". The only problem with this was that he often passed out cold on Grandpa Bob's front porch at the General Mercantile Store.

Papa and Uncle Chalmers, not opposed to taking a little snort themselves once in a while, decided to do something about it. After all, they didn't want the occasional stranger who might pass by to see George lying on the porch and get the wrong impression of Caesar, a God fearing community. They devised a plan they knew would jar George into putting down liquor permanently.

Union Baptist Church cemetery is nearly as old as the Church, which was established in 1846. Tombstone dates show that graves go back prior to 1900. In the early years, most coffins were constructed of wood, usually Pine. This was done mostly because the folks in the community couldn't afford the more costly metal coffins. There was one problem with these home made varieties of coffins-they didn't last long before they started caving in, thus leaving a sunken grave site, which had to be backfilled with leftover dirt from the grave site.

Papa's idea was this-when George passes out, take him down to the graveyard and lay him in one of the sunken graves. Maybe when he wakes up and sees where he is his attitude on drinking will change. In the meantime while waiting for Saturday night to arrive and Georges usual visit to the moonshine still Papa and Uncle Chalmers built a wooden tombstone with this inscription:

"Here lies ole George
Who loved his liquor
He drank so much
He died in a flicker
And now he stands
At the Judgment seat
Watching the flames
In Hell as they heat"

As you will notice here Papa and Uncle Chalmers couldn't write a poem worth a hoot.

Saturday night finally arrived and George was up to his usual drinking binge. He was sprawled out on the front porch of Grandpa Bobs General Mercantile when Papa and Uncle Chalmers pulled up there with a wagon pulled by ole Molly, Papa's horse. They had already placed the homemade tombstone at a sunken grave near the fence next to the road leading over to Georges house. The scene was set, George was out cold, and it was getting dark.


They loaded George in the wagon and pulled up next to the gate of the graveyard. Taking him by his arms and feet they laid him in the sunken grave so that when he wakes he will see the tombstone. To illuminate the tombstone they hung a lantern so that the wording would be visible to George when he wakes up. Then they sat down under the old Oak Tree across the road to watch and see what happens when George sobers up enough to see where he is.

Papa and Uncle Chalmers had dosed off and were awakened by this blood curdling terrifying scream from inside the graveyard. They momentarily forgot what was going on and were burning shoe leather before they realized that George was awake and discovered that he was in a grave. What happened next is a matter of conjecture from the two startled men. Uncle Chalmers swore that he heard George say, "Oh Lord if I could get out of here I wouldn't drink so much as a Beer". Of course that is what he thought he heard him say. When George finally got his bearing he made a mad dash for the road-only there was a fence between him and the road that he had forgotten was there. He had shifted from start to the after burner before he had made two steps and met the fence head on. The fence threw him back about 10 feet and he swore later that a ghost had jerked him back trying to pull him into the grave. In his liquor soaked mind he realized that a fence was there and the next time he cleared it by a good 5 feet, landed in the road, and threw gravel like a racing boat doing a rooster tail across the lake. The rumor was soon out around Caesar that he had to shed his shoes half way home because they caught fire.

A few days later the Revenuers found the Whiskey Still and destroyed it. Some said that George turned them in and that he swore off Whiskey that very night of the Graveyard incident. He turned out to be a pretty good Church member but would never pass the old graveyard at night anymore.

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