Grief

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Until We Meet Again


Through my tear filled eyes I watched silently; no word was spoken as the sky illuminated itself into a painting of blacks and greys. Myself and those before me caught in this moment, the fate that had all brought us together breathing down our spines, telling us things would change forever as it lingered within our shadows. A rush of emotions rising within me as the raindrops danced to the beat of the thunder. We stood together, but each and every one of us knew we would have to face this alone. Fear; the realization you have finally lost control.
Pitter patter, all listened as the rain made its way onto the caskets. An overcast never could have predicted the tears of god's=2 0angels, but a prediction such as this never deserved to have been created. My eyes widened as I tried to convince myself all I was seeing, all that I was feeling, was nothing more than a surreal and twisted nightmare. Frustrated, I clenched my fist against the side of my pocket, this isn't real. My heart beating faster and faster, my skull kicking and screaming inside of my head for some sort of attention, brain throbbing, tears flowed down my face as I found myself wanting to awake from this dream. A feeling of anticipation rose within me as my voice made its way up through my throat, this was it, this was the moment. I cringed as my face turned a bloody red, it was time to wake up, it was time to return to the reality of which I loved and cherished.
Pitter Patter, before I knew it the moment was over. My heart crumbled as I was no longer able to avoid the truth, this was it, this was reality...death was reality. It was on August 12th, 2006 I watched my cousin and his daughter descend beneath the surface, It was on August 12th, 2006 my life was changed forever.
The memories are vague, but they will never be forgotten. A warm sensation of happiness filled our home as my family and I made our way through the doorway. It was that summer evening our telephone received two voice mails, one of which stating my cousin and family had been in a terrible car crash, the other telling us his daughter had died on impact. It's not very often words speak louder then actions, but cliches had now fallen short to a tragedy that was nothing short of devastating. Hours passed and it wasn't long before news had arrived that my cousin had also perished, internal bleeding and catastrophic injuries resulted in fatality. The events that took place within the next few days are what one could expect, to grieve is something more complicated than pen on paper. It was a combination of empty boxes of tissues, tear stained pillows, and unanswerable questions. Moments alone were spent questioning everything I had been raised to believe; everything I thought I once knew about myself and those around me...it's odd how death can can kill a person inside.
My neck stiffened as the button on my collar refused to do as I commanded. I sighed with relief as it slipped within the tightly knit hole.
“Are you almost ready?”, startled, I turned to see my mother standing in the20doorway. She did not wait for an answer, but simply turned the corner and vanished out of sight. I tried to smile as I stared into the mirror, my attempt was feeble, but given the circumstances, I told myself it was nothing to worry over. It was then I truly smiled, the thought of worrying over something so minor reminded me of a time when simpler things meant so much more, how growing older you find yourself with greater priorities.
All the philosophical thoughts had left my head aching, and through it all, I had somehow managed to remember to turn off the light switch as I exited my room. What once looked so bright, was now darker than the wickedest of man. Frightened I switched the light back on, and focused on everything within the room. If only life was as easy as the position of a switch; when found with problems, being able to flip it and make it all okay. I frowned as I shut the door...no one ever said things would be easy.
Silence consumed the car as the key entered the ignition, neither me nor my brother dare to speak a word as the car made its way towards the church. As we arrived we found very few vacant spots, and when one was finally spotted, I realized I did not want to go inside.
A shiver went down my spine as the cold brass door handle made contact with my hand. With my legs feeling numb as I walked unsteadily through the doorway; I tried my best not to stumble. Inside I found myself surrounded by both family and strangers, all trying their hardest to fight the tears they were holding back; their efforts had failed them. The first of things to catch my attention, was the crowding of several people around a large open book, the second was my mother, as she broke down into her sisters arms. We were all breaking down.
A knot in my stomach formed as I took a seat several rows back from the alter, the knot began to tighten as my eyes made contact with casket lying beneath it. I shook my head as thoughts of what were inside began to form within my mind. Moments later the dozens of standing men and woman took their seats, it was then bagpipes began to play. It was like the feeling of running and finding yourself distracted until you hit a tree, it was with the first note I found myself on the ground beneath that very tree. A tear rolled down the side of my face as I stared into the nothing that was everything I had ever seen.
Speeches had been spoken, food had been digested, and it was family whom were to meet at the cemetery. I don't recall making much eye contact after those few moments, all I remember hearing was my mother telling me=0 Ahow proud she was of my brother and I's behavior. It's hard to behave out of of place when you don't know what to feel.
The grass slid gently across the bottom of my feet as I walked towards the tombstone of which the burial would take place. With a quick glimpse of the sky I noticed several dark clouds heading towards us. Trying my best to keep my composure, I stood within the crowd that made shape around a freshly dug hole. I grasped my hands together; my nails were oddly shaped and rigged, they had become a way to relieve the anxiety I was now frequently facing. My tears made patterns upon my shirt, and as I tried to convince myself it was all a dream I found myself further scorned by reality.
As my cousin and his daughter were lowered beneath the ground of which I stood, I stared up into the dark sky and watched them hand in hand enter the gates of heaven. He smiled down at the broken lives he left behind, and with that smile he told them everything would be okay. The ones who did not see him, felt him, and the ones that did not feel him, knew deep down he was there. As gods hands cradled them into the light, the lives of many were reborn. Through the tears, the look in all of our eyes showed strength as this feeling of love swallowed our sadness. It's hard to describe the change of which I fe lt, its hard to explain exactly how it all made me feel. But as the ceremony ended, and the people slowly dispersed, I looked back once more, and it was then, through the rain, through the clouds, I saw a bit of light peaking through from high up above...telling me tomorrow was going to be a better day.

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