Politics

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Listening to all the criticism of this year’s political candidates by the opposing party, the pundits and the analysts, I thought, “You’d need to be a Perfect Person not to get criticized in the political process.” Then I realized there was One Perfect Person, and He was more severely criticized than any other. These might have been the headlines 2,000 years ago



“Illegitimacy Rumors Spread About Young Nazarene Preacher”

Jerusalem, 29 to 33 AD– Jesus of Nazareth, the popular young rabbi preaching here locally, was reputedly born less than nine months after his mother Mary’s marriage to Joseph of Bethlehem. “You can count to nine on your fingers,” one local said recently, “and you don’t use enough fingers, if you know what I mean.” Officials in Bethlehem were unable to account for the Father listed on his birth certificate. “Whoever put in Yahweh as Jesus’s father must be found and punished,” he commented.

“Wine Makers Up In Arms Over Recent Miracle”
Jerusalem, 29 to 33 AD – “Turning water into wine like this Jesus did will destroy our business,” local wine merchant Abdul Swilling said. “How can an honest man make a living when this is going on?” Mr. Swilling terminated our interview when asked why the “Jesus wine” was found better than his.

“Rabbis Question Jesus’s Right To Preach”

Jerusalem, 29 to 33 AD - Scribes and Pharisees here sought an injunction against local teacher Jesus of Nazareth, claiming he did not have the proper training to be speaking in the Temple. Rabbi Joseph Ben Judas noted: “Has he gone to seminary? No. Has he studied under any great teacher? No. Has he served the required time in apprenticeship? No. I just don’t think we can continue to let untrained and unqualified people speak whatever they want in our great temple.” Rabbi Ben Judas declined to respond to allegations of corruption in his administration.

“Family Worry About Local Rabbi’s Mental Health”

erusalem, 29 to 33 AD – Concerned about recent reports of his increasingly erratic behavior, family of controversial Nazarene preacher Jesus recently tried to have him evaluated by local mental health officials. Followers of the preacher prevented His family from reaching the young rabbi, who reportedly said, “Who is my mother and brother? He who does the will of My Father.”

“Many Jesus Disciples Quit The Cause”

Jerusalem, 29 to 33 AD – Following a recent speech by radical rabbi Jesus bar Joseph, many of his former disciples have now left the fold. “You know, it was great when He fed the 5,000,” one former follower said. “And the Sermon On The Mount was just awesome stuff. But when He talked about drinking His blood and eating His body, it’s obvious He’s gone off the deep end. I’m going back to Rabbi Abraham ben Malachi’s temple services.”

“Scribes and Pharisees Unite In Decrying Jesus’s ‘Whitewashed Tomb’ Comment”

Jerusalem, 29 to 33 AD – “This was a total outrage!” Scribe Nathaniel ben Zered said. “Who does this Jesus think He is, calling us ‘whitewashed tombs?’ Under ritual law, we Pharisees can’t even go NEAR a tomb, except for immediate family members or certain religious festival times, or on Thursdays between 10 and 12.” Both groups are currently considered legal action for libel and slander against the young rabbi.

“Jesus Hailed As A Great Teacher”

Jerusalem, 29 to 33 AD – Scribes and Pharisees here were unanimous in their praise of recently crucified Nazarene rabbi Jesus bar Joseph. “We had our differences, but He certainly inspired the local people,” Chief Priest Caiphas commented. “Hopefully, his followers will take their new enthusiasm back to the local synagogues.” “Great teacher – perhaps even a prophet,” said Rabbi Isaac ben Samson. “While we can’t agree with the insane claim of His being the Son of God, He certainly did some good deeds and got people thinking.” Spokespersons for all members of the Sanhedrin could not be reached for comment about the reports they turned Jesus over to Roman officials to be crucified.

“Dead Rabbi Reported to Be Alive”

Jerusalem, 29 to 33 AD – Rumors spread throughout the City concerning recently crucified rabbi Jesus of Nazareth. “He’s Alive!” one said. “He’s been resurrected after three days, as He said!” Disciples quickly ended our interview in order to continue proclaiming what they called ‘The Good News.’ In a related story, charges against the Roman soldiers guarding Jesus’ tomb for dereliction of duty were surprisingly dropped after an apparent confidential agreement between the Jewish leaders and Roman government. “In my day, falling asleep on the job as these guys supposedly did would be instant execution,” one centurion said, who spoke on condition of anonymity. “There wouldn’t have been enough of them left to feed to a lion.”

And There Is One More Headline Coming –
“JUDGMENT DAY! CHRIST RETURNS! The thoughts of every heart revealed.”
Are you ready?

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