Short Stories

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Finding Faith

It's seven o'clock in the morning and music begins to drift through the room beckoning every listening ear to get out of bed, another day having begun. Everyone, including Faith, expected this day to be essentially the same as the day before, the week before, the years before. Thirty minutes to ready one's self for breakfast, and after that, a seven hour school day followed by recreation time, study time, and bedtime. Tomorrow, we will do it all over again. Such is the life of an orphan, and Faith was an orphan.
Faith came to Charity Children's Home just short of her third birthday. There is nothing remarkable about the circumstances. She is representative of most of the older children here. Her dad was unknown, and her mom, try as she might, found the task of raising a child alone to be impossible having hidden her own rejection and need for love under the watch care of heroin and alcohol. It did not help that there seemed only one choice open to Faith's mom to make the kind of money necessary to deaden the pain of living. Each passing day pushed Faith further away from any chance of finding value in the arms of someone who cares. When Faith's mom finally gave up and placed Faith in the hands of the courts, it was not as devastating as one might imagine, for Faith instinctively knew she had been given away long before it became a physical reality. In the deadness and solitude of her soul, Faith simply relocated from one place to another. Living in a house full of people, was an empty little girl.
At the age of four Faith, for the first time in her life, experienced something other than constant rejection. Faith was placed in foster care. What was it about these people that made Faith smile? What was this strange new and delightful sensation she experienced to settle into the warm embrace of another human being, to hear them read from a book? What was the message she was receiving from the soft glow in the eyes of the person who held her? Faith may have been too young to answer these questions, but she was not too young to know she was happy.
As with most foster care children, however, there comes the inevitable day to say goodbye. For Faith, that time was unexpectedly cut short. After six months of happiness, six months of acceptance, and six months of security, someone came for Faith, placed her in the safety seat of a car, and drove away. Faith was not upset. Faith had no idea of the permanence of this trip away from the bonds of love gripping the heart of
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one far too young to understand. Understanding for Faith was a process.
Held captive in a new environment full of other children, but void of personal relationships, it finally sank in for Faith, “I'm not going home again.”
This experience with foster care had taught Faith a valuable lesson; if one can hold on tightly to one's emotions, and dare not share one's innermost thoughts with another, one can survive the inevitable separation with ease. Faith, in fact, had learned the same technique for those around her in the confines of Charity Children's Home. The greater the union of souls with someone close by, the greater the anguish of soul at their sudden and unexplained departure. By the time Faith was seven years of age, this developing inner shell around her soul had become her armor from pain, seemingly too strong to be breached by anyone's love.
Seven o'clock, the music is playing, and another day begins. At nine o'clock, the squawk from the P.A. system breaks in on Mrs. Everette's reading class. “Mrs Everette, would you send Faith to the office please”, the barely audible speaker announces. Faith's heart skips a beat, but not with anticipation of good fortune. If anything, the horrid sound meant just one thing, make sure your armor is secure, there's trouble down the hall.
The short trek from Mrs. Everette's reading class to the office is not a lengthy one. Faith, keenly aware of this, walks slowly, trying to recall the necessary self defense plan, and already in some distress, prepares herself to maintain this guard for the duration of the present hour, and perhaps the weeks ahead. Faith, after having turned a one minute trip into a fifteen minute journey, steps into the office reception area where she is greeted warmly by the secretary, Mrs Andrews. “You may enter the office Faith”. Faith moved resolutely toward the door when Mrs Andrews adds a phrase to the routine that stops Faith dead in her tracks, “There are people her to meet you, and they have a surprise!”. Faith stopped and stared into the secretary's eyes hoping for some further revelation. It isn't as easy to cope with surprises as it is with the expected, and Faith did not like surprises. They were threats to her defense system, dangers to her ability not to give in to temporal happiness, and the subsequent nightmare called rejection. Mrs Andrews gave no further information, but instead, stood there with a silly grin on her face while exuding an air of excited anticipation, all of which made Faith suspicious.
Faith grabbed every ounce of courage she could muster, and remembering defense rule number one, “never look at them, keep the eyes
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to the ground”, she entered the room. With that one step onto deep pile
carpet, Faith discovered “eyes down” was anything but safe. Rule number one in fact was her undoing. Yes, there in front of her were the legs of a man and woman. So far so good, but then there sitting calmly just to the right of the man's trousered leg was indeed a surprise. There, at the end of a leash Faith assumed the man to be holding, was a small dog, his countenance fixed on Faith, and Faith in turn, found her gaze fixed upon the dog. Faith was not unfamiliar with dogs. Her former foster home had dogs, but then, they simply stayed outside and barked for no particular reason. This dog, however, this dog was different. He was solid white with large ears, pink in the center, rising erect above his fluffy white face like radar focused on a target, and that target was Faith. It was as if he were waiting breathlessly for her to speak. His nose was jet black, sitting just above thin black lips that formed neither a smile or frown as if saving expression until Faith reacted. As lovely as this dog was for Faith, the real captivating beauty was in his eyes. They were large and deep set, chocolate brown in color, and most importantly, they were fixated on Faith. With that one attribute, that solitary feature, Faith began to feel the armor she had so carefully secured, begin to melt away. It was if those eyes contained a powerful laser beam leading from his soul to hers, and as her shielded heart revealed itself, Faith had the most peculiar feeling of having stood here before a thousand years ago.
From this trance, Faith became aware of a voice. The man had spoken, but in her present state, had failed to register the words. The man tried once more, and this time Faith was tuned in, but her gaze remained fixed.
“Would you like to meet him? His name is Robby. He's a West Highland Terrier, and he's especially fond of little girls”.
Faith, registering the invitation, finally allowed her eyes to be pulled away from the dog and into the world of human beings. Once there, she found herself once again peering into beautiful eyes, only now they belonged to a man and a woman, both with smiles so big, they seemed to exceed the boundaries of their faces. By this point, any pretense of a guarded soul had disappeared and Faith found herself basking, without fear, in the warmth and light being offered by this couple.
“Yes”, Faith said, but even as she uttered the word, she was unaware of the true depth of her answer. Yes, she wanted to to touch and hold this little dog that had burned away the steel around her heart. Yes, she wanted to know what it would feel to be held by acceptance, squeezed by
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joy, and kissed by the love of these two people.
“Come”, spoke the man, “meet Robby”. Faith did not hesitate. As a matter of fact, with only twenty feet separating the two, she ran, flopping down in a heap before the little dog. Now it seemed to be Robby's turn. The previously stoic posture transformed into a whirlwind of movement as if he had just been reunited with family, and needed to get in as many hugs and kisses as possible before the moment at hand was over.
“OK Robby”, the man said in the middle of the chaos, “it's time your mom and I enjoy share time with Faith.” The westie reluctantly, and with a hint of discontentment for the command of his master, backed away and allowed Faith to redirect her attention to Paul and Sarah Goodsen. Both had taken a seat on the old and worn leather office couch. Mrs Goodsen, for the first time, spoke to Faith. “Would you like sit with us a while Faith? My name is Sarah, and this is my husband Paul. We would love to meet you, and learn a little about you if that's OK with you?”
In Faith's mind she thought, “I'm not suppose to do this. What if they make me happy? What do I feel when they leave?” These thoughts would normally have raised a red flag in Faith, demanding that she stand her ground choosing to divert her attention from the faces of these who offered this invitation. For Faith, however, “normal” had disappeared the moment she made eye contact with Robby and his laser eyes. Faith dismissed the warning, approached the couch, sat between Paul and Sarah, and allowed herself to be enveloped with the warmth being radiated by these two people. Faith's fear of returning to her world was, for the moment, overpowered by what it means to belong.
Faith spent the next few hours sharing time between the Goodsens and with Robby. At times, all four piling up together on the old leather couch, Robby in Faith's lap, and seemingly as was Faith, listening attentively to Mrs Goodsen reading from one of the many children's books on hand for just such an occasion.
This fairy tale scene of “living happily ever after” was rudely interrupted by the noon lunch bell along with a knock on the door. The secretary, Mrs Brownell, announced the lunch break, and asked Faith to return to the dining area while the Goodsens spoke with Mrs. Harris, the Administrator of Charity Children's Home. This request of Faith, while simple enough to comprehend, and equally simple to obey, nevertheless caused Faith to freeze. Panic gripped her heart quickly, and with the force of a steel trap. She was not sure what she should say, or what question to
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ask. Ultimately it did not matter for the stark terror in Faith's eyes was
discernible to all present, even Robby. Mrs Goodsen was the first to respond. She knelt down, took Faith's face in the palms of her hands, and said, “Faith, do not fear. We are not going anywhere. While you eat dinner with your friends, Paul and I will be with Mrs. Harris, but trust me Faith, you'll will be back here before you know it”.
Faith's apprehension relaxed, and she had no choice but to believe Mrs. Goodsen though she already knew Mrs. Goodsen was wrong about one thing. Whatever time lapsed between now and a second encounter with the Goodsens would not pass “before she knew it”. She knew each each second would seem an hour, and each hour a day as she pondered what all of this meant. Faith could not muster an appropriate response to Mrs. Goodsen, one that would call for an answer to all the questions in Faith's heart. All Faith could say in this moment was “OK”, and Faith left the room.
Faith went straight to the dinning room. She wasn't hungry. She didn't know whether to laugh or cry. She considered putting her Armour back in place to cope with the possibility of saying goodbye to Robby and the Goodsens. While in this state of dismay, an older boy approached her. It was twelve year old John, a busy body Faith had never liked.
“Hey Faith, where you been?”, asked John. Faith wasn't sure she wanted company, and especially conversation, yet she answered him just the same. “I've been with a man and a lady and a dog all morning in Mrs Harris's office”.
“Your kidding me?!”, John shouted, loud enough to draw the attention of those close by. “You're telling me old lady Harris let a dog in her office? What did you do with it? What kind of dog? Did it bite?”
John seemed completely oblivious to the news that Faith had met and spent time with the Goodsens. For John, that kind of news was common. John knew what that meant, but a dog? Now that was different. Faith didn't wish to answer John's myriad of questions. Instead, she simply said, “Oh, you know, we just spent some time together. No big deal John.”
John continued, excited to set Faith straight about these events,“What do you mean 'no big deal' Faith? Don't you know what this means? Those people are in there right now talking to old lady Harris about you! Yep, they're in there deciding if they want you forever. Them ain't foster parents Faith. They're the real deal. If they like you, you might be leaving
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us soon, and a dog..WOW..a dog. Ain't that something Faith?”
Faith was stunned, almost knocked over by such a thought. Why had this not occurred to her? Could this be true? Should it be true? What Faith's heart wanted above all else, her mind countered with warnings. The same warnings Faith had heard, and having yielded to them, had protected her from the pain of being left alone.
Faith's mind began to speak to her as if it were speaking in the third person. “Did you hear What John said Faith..'if they like you'? Get real Faith. No one could like you. No one wants you. No one would have you. You have nothing to offer. You're not pretty, and you can't do anything important. Your not worthy of this Faith. Haven't I always been right in the past? Ask yourself Faith, why would anyone want us?”
Faith walked away from John into an isolated corner of the dinning room. She place her back against the wall and slid down into a sitting position, buried her face in her knees, and cried. She remained in this position until Mrs Brownell, the secretary found her there. It was one o'clock, and the second lunch bell had sounded. Faith never heard the bell. She had by this time created for herself a little corner of hell, and felt no one could save her.
“Faith?..Faith! Come on Faith, get up, it's time to go back and see the Goodsens.” Mrs. Brownell voice sounded so excited, and this perplexed Faith all the more. Didn't she know what was about to happen? Couldn't Mrs. Brownell see that Faith's world, like a million times before, was about to crash down around her? How cruel of Mrs. Brownell to be happy about this. Oh well, nothing left to do now but face the storm before seeking refuge in her room.
When Faith was ushered back into Mrs. Harris' office, and much to Faith's surprise, the original scene replayed itself. There was laser eyed Robby sitting just to the right of Mr. and Mrs. Goodsen, both with those smiles just barely contained upon their faces. The only difference in this second stanza, was the addition of Mrs Harris, also smiling, but in that polite “I'm supposed to” that adults use at times.
Mrs. Harris was the first to speak, “Faith, I understand you had a rather pleasurable morning with The Goodsens and their dog?”
“Robby, his name is Robby Mrs. Harris”, Paul interrupted.
“Er, well, yes, of course, Robby. Anyway, as I was saying, I understand you enjoyed your time today with the Goodsens?”
“Yes Mam”, Faith said quietly and without enthusiasm, eyes once again
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focused on the floor. This was certainly not the demeanor the Goodsens
had expected. What was wrong? What was happening inside that small child before them?
“Well”, continued Mrs. Harris, “It seems the Goodsens and their..I mean Robby have enjoyed their time with you Faith. So much so, they have asked if they may begin the process to adopt you as their very own child. How do you feel about that dear?”
From Faith came no leap for joy, not even a smile. Instead, all present could see in Faith's face, a question. Mr. Goodsen opened the way to release the question. Paul Goodsen walked the few feet to the spot where Faith stood, knelt on one knee searching her eyes for an answer, and asked,” I think you want to know something don't you Faith? I won't you to say whatever you feel. I promise you Faith, I promise I'll listen to you and try to answer you as best I can. Please?”
The silence continued as Mr. Goodsen waited for Faith's reply. Faith tried desperately to formulate her question, but ultimately Faith asked the most often asked question of every child who's ever lived. It wasn't the question she wanted to ask, but simply all that could escape from lips in the moment. Faith simply asked, “Why?”
Now it was Mr Goodsen's time for confusion. “Why what?”, he thought to himself, “Why should she, why would she, why what?” Only one way to find out, and Paul Goodsen spoke again, “Faith, what's wrong? Ask me anything Faith. It's very important to me. I want to understand. I want to help you. Won't you please talk to me?”
Faith responded, “Why me Mr. Goodsen? Nobody ever wanted me before, not forever. I don't think you can love me good enough to to keep me. When you find out I'm not always good, you'll send me back. Don't you get it Mr Goodsen? Nobody ever wants me very long.”
This was far more than Paul or Sarah could hear without a broken heart. Paul embraced the young child before him and held her tightly. Sarah joined the two of them in a three way embrace. Sarah was the first to break the lengthy silence by softly speaking to Faith, “My sweet sweet child, Mr. Goodsen has a story to tell you and I think it will answer all your questions and fears. Would it be alright if Mr Goodsen shared his story with you?”
“Yes”, Faith responded with the same simplicity she had asked “why”.
Paul led Faith by the hand to the now familiar story book couch. Faith climbed on to the middle cushion. Mrs Goodsen sat to her right, and Robby
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jumped to his spot on her left and laid quietly down beside her. Mr. Again
Mr. Goodsen knelt before her, and began to answer the most difficult of all questions, especially when it comes from a child.. “why?”
“Faith”, Paul began, “When I was your age, I, like you, had no Father, or sisters, or brothers. My mother tried to make up for the love I was missing, but I think every little boy or girl needs a Daddy. My Mom was good and kind , and she had a special love for God. From her, I too learned to love God, yet something seemed to be missing even if I didn't know what that something might be.
As I grew up Faith, I also had difficulty making friends. Maybe it was because all the kids around me seemed to have a daddy, making me feel all the more alone. In High School, I met Sarah, I fell in love with her. I loved her so much, I began to believe that perhaps I didn't need friends, or a Father, yet in my soul, I still longed for a Father's love.
I tried to fill this emptiness with things. The biggest “thing” I bought was a motorcycle. I loved riding, but if anything, the solitude on my bike made the solitude inside of me just that much bigger. Does that make sense to you Faith?”
Faith nodded an assent that she understood, and indeed she knew exactly how loneliness feels, and she certainly knew how it feels to long for something one can never have. This might have saddened Faith even further, but she wasn't dwelling on these thoughts at the moment. It was the mention of the motorcycle that had captured her thoughts. Somewhere just outside the reaches of consciousness, was a memory. Was it real, or was it a dream? She turned off the memory banks, and refocused on the story. Will Mr Goodsen live “happily ever after?” she wondered.
Paul continued, “Faith, there were two things I wanted at the time I bought my motorcycle. I wanted friends, and I wanted to be able to do something special for God. I joined a motorcycle club called 'Heaven's Riders'. I ride with them for the fun of riding, but also because it allows me to use my motorcycle to do good things for my Heavenly Father. I'll tell you more about that later, but before I do, I have to tell you about a little miracle that entered my life.”
“Faith, even with a wonderful wife, and a way to serve God, and other men to share fellowship time, it wasn't filling an empty spot in my heart. I didn't know why that was so, or what to do about it, when it happened!
Sarah and I attended a Bible study in the home of a fellow Sunday School member from our local church. After the study time, I pretty much kept to
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myself as usual, avoiding people and conversations as best I could when
the host came to me and asked if I might like to go downstairs and see something rather special. I was more than willing to escape the crowd and the feeling of nervousness in knowing the names of those around me, but not their hearts or minds.”
“The host's name was Roy, and he led me down a flight of stairs. At the bottom of the stairs we turned into his basement fun room, and there in the middle of that room was a sight that has burned itself into my memory for all time. There before me were a mother dog and three pups, all solid white, but what really stopped me cold was that one of those pups was sitting and staring at me as if he were created by God and placed on earth for this moment in time. I don't know how long we locked eyes, but in that time I became very certain of one thing. I wasn't leaving this house without him. Sarah put up a mild protest, but once the little fellow had captured her attention, he also captured her heart. Robby, as I named him, was now a part of our family.”
Faith thought about her own first encounter with Robby, and the strange familiarity about him. She knew what Paul had felt, and the lost memory loomed larger than ever. She sat enraptured as Paul continued his story.
“One of the first discoveries I made about Robby, is that he will, with unbridled ecstasy, ride anything with wheels, including my motorcycle! Sitting across my lap, secured by a belt passed through his harness and around my waist, Robby is ready to travel. Finally Faith, I seemed to have it all. I had Sarah, and I had a way to serve God, and I had a companion that filled the void inside of me where unconditional love belongs. How could life get any better than this, but guess what Faith?”
“What?”, said Faith, now hanging on to every word of Paul's amazing story, and her continuing eerie, yet pleasant feeling of having heard it before.
Paul continued, “About four years ago, a ministry opportunity became available to me. It would allow me to serve God with my motorcycle, and now with Robby on board. Heaven's Riders was asked to participate in an event called a 'Toy Run'. We accepted the invitation, and found ourselves in route to an orphanage to deliver toys for Christmas, and to spend time with the boys and girls living in the home.”
Faith, at the word orphanage, felt a strange shudder pass through her body. She felt lighter than air, and if it were possible, Paul's story became
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all the more captivating.
“What happened next Mr. Goodsen”, Faith asked truly wanting to hear the answer to her question.
“Well”, said Paul, “when we arrived at the home, I was the only one with a little dog as a partner, and I believe almost every child there wanted to touch, hold, or feed him. Robby apparently thought he was in Heaven. Among the kids crowding around us, was a little girl about three years of age, and try as she might, she could not work her way through the others, but her face told me she wanted desperately to reach us. Her eyes were not fixated on me, however, but locked onto Robby, and it reminded me of the first time I had seen him as well. I made my way to her, knelt down and presented Robby to her. Instead of rubbing his fur, or feeding him, she embraced him. She had found a friend.”
“We spent the remainder of our time together that day, the three of us, she being filled with the unconditional love of her new found friend, and me, well I was being filled with a new kind of love as well. I'm not sure I had ever known what it meant to love a person way down inside where people are suppose to love other people.”
“Faith”, Paul continued, “You know who that little girl was don't you?”
Not surprisingly, Faith had not yet made the obvious connection, for her memory banks were much too young at the time to register the detail with which Paul relayed the account. Still, there was that shadow, that ghost of a feeling that existed inside of her to confirm that she had indeed met her little friend somewhere else in time.
“Was it me Mr. Goodsen, was it me?”, Faith squealed, hoping against hope that it was.
“Yes” Paul assured, “it was you”.
“What happened next Mr. Goodsen, what happened next? Tell me!”
Paul smiled at Faith, glad to see the same spirit of excitement return that he had witnessed and shared with Faith in their morning encounter.
“As happy a day as this turned out to be for me, it also was one of the saddest as well because at the end of our time together, I had to leave you behind, and return to my home. You became a pleasant memory, but you helped me understand that it was possible to relate to other people in a deeper and more meaningful way than I had known to this point. You helped me see Faith, that until I learned to apply the lesson you taught me to those in my life, there would remain this a void in me, and I just knew I needed God's help in showing me how to reach out to others around me
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and love them.”
Paul could see he still had Faith's undivided attention despite the fact that Robby had moved from the cushion beside her, and into her lap. Faith simply began to stroke his fur, but never diverted her eyes from Mr. Goodsen .
Seeing Faith was ready for the next phase of his account, Paul resumed his story, “About six months ago Faith, I began to talk earnestly to God and ask Him to show me how to let people into my life. One morning, just like any other morning, God chose to answer my prayer. He didn't speak to me aloud as I am speaking to you, but somewhere inside of me, I heard Him speak all the same. Faith, this is what God said to me:”
“Paul, I have heard your prays and I know the needs and wants of your heart. I have something to say to you, and I need for you to listen carefully. Several years ago I gave you an experience that needs an explanation. I have purposely waited until this moment, when you so desperately desire to hear, to reveal it's meaning to you. Paul, it has always been your choice to remain aloof among people. With people surrounding you Paul, you have remained isolated and alone, belonging to no one. You have, in affect, made of yourself, an orphan.
You have related to Me as One desiring to be worshiped, served, and obeyed, in gratitude, and even with love for Me. As much as I commend you for these efforts, it is really not efforts I'm interested in at all. What every orphan needs is a someone to embrace them, enjoy one on one conversation, someone with whom you may experience unconditional love and acceptance in an intimate love relationship that lasts forever. In other words Paul, you need a Father. Rather than serve me Paul, I so desire to work in union with you and through you on behalf of my children everywhere.
Do you remember Faith Paul? You participated in the Toy Run to serve me, but it didn't quite work out that way did it? You found yourself not doing this solely to serve me, but you let go of the idea of duty, and simply allowed yourself to learn to love an orphan. Paul, you are that orphan for me. I want to spend the day with you Paul, just as you spent your day with Faith. I want to hold you. I want to talk to you. I want to love you until our hearts are melded together in an inseparable bond. Oh, one more thing Paul. Mine is more than just a one day visit to you as an orphan. My reason for coming to you Paul, is that I long to adopt you as my child, and my greatest desire is to hear you call me Father.”
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“Faith”, Paul spoke in almost a reverent hush, “That was the most
powerful message I had ever received from anyone, much less from my own Father. Think about that Faith, My own Father, the one thing missing from my life, and the one thing that seemed most impossible to have here on this earth. As wonderful as this experience was for me Faith, the surprise was not over. It just grew bigger, and better. My Father, my Daddy, had still another word for me. Listen carefully Faith to what He had to say:”
“Paul, you are not the only one in My Kingdom that needs a Father. I have used a child to reach out to you Paul because that child is just like you. By appearance, she is an orphan with no Father, a child with no hope, but Paul, I have always known her by name, and she is mine. Inside of you Paul, is a living desire to be her Father, to give back to her the impossible dream, to know what it means to be loved deeply and unconditionally forever.”
“Faith”, Paul barely whispered, “you asked me 'why?', why you and why now, but I ask you Faith, why not? Faith, I am telling you, from the very center of my soul that I love you, and this kind of love doesn't care if you do good, or do bad. This kind of love says you have value to me just because you are you, and you are mine. You will never have to earn my love Faith. You shall wear it Faith, and it will cover you at all times in any circumstance. The last time I was here, I came for a visit. Faith, I came here today to make you my child, to give you my name, and to take you home. Does that answer your question my child? Will you have us, Sarah, Robby and me? Can we go home?”
Faith paused for what seemed an eternity, savoring the love that was holding her, embracing the love from earth below, and heaven above. Finally, Faith found an answer,
“Mr Paul, I would very much like to come home with you, but only if you let me do just one thing”
“Just one thing huh?”, chuckled Paul. “What is it Faith? What's that one thing you desire in order to come home with Sarah, Robby and me?”
Faith smiled, hesitated and said, “Can I call you Daddy?”

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